Gettin' Jiggle with It

Today on Facebook I posted a video of me practicing one of our REFIT® Christmas songs, Carol of the Bells. As a (recovering) perfectionist, I’m not sure you understand how hard it is for me to share videos of me working out. First comes the self-critiquing over form and footwork and then comes the self-critiquing of my body. You see, something happens when we dance, everything jiggles.

Everything. Remember when Lady Gaga did the Super bowl and she was a freaking amazing rockstar and people had the nerve to talk about her belly pooch? C’mon people, even rockstars jiggle (at least what I tell myself).

So how is it that an introverted gal like me (the one who used to stand in the back of any fitness class and not talk to a soul) became a fitness instructor this past summer? And how does a (recovering) perfectionist freely share workout videos and pics on social media without pressing the delete button?
It starts with my why. If you have a strong enough why, you can find a way to do the hard stuff. I have many whys, but in this case my why is:

To empower women to find their strong. 

I want women of all shapes, sizes and ages to see their immense possibility. That movement can be fun. That former couch potatoes can become fitness instructors. That being fit doesn’t come with a size or weight. Fit is a state of mind. I also want them to know that strong comes from the inside. When you begin to work on your inside, the outside starts to follow.

This past year has been humbling physically for me, with a bum knee (physically therapy, cortisone), a foot stress fracture that keeps coming back and now something going on with my neck and shoulder. It’s slowed down my wellness progress. I’ve gone from being in my best shape last year for Hawaii and my daughter’s wedding to having a little more fluff.  A little more fluff makes me a little more critical of myself. It makes me hesitant to post my workout videos and pics for fear that people will judge me. Oooo, Tara’s put on a few pounds. Yes, I have. I struggle. I love food. I’ve been maintaining my 40 pound weight loss for almost 7 years now. It’s not easy. But here’s the deal, women who find their strong- they DO NOT QUIT.

If my workout videos or pics motivate one person to get moving, one person to try something new, one person to find their soul workout, one person to believe that no matter their size, shape or age that they are strong, I’ve accomplished my why. 

I decided to become a fitness instructor at 45 because I can. Because God gave me this one body to care for. Because movement is medicine and dancing it out is therapy. Each week God gives me the courage to stand up in front of a room of women to get my jiggle on. So they can see that everybody jiggles and every body jiggles and that’s OK. I want them to embrace who they are. I want them to laugh and feel joyful. I want them to leave REFIT® feeling stronger and more courageous than when they started.

So let’s get jiggle with it ladies. We are better together.
Love and friendship,
Tara

Peace and Quiet

Peace and quiet, as a Mom of younger kids, I wished for it daily. I longed for some time to myself, a weekend that wasn't gobbled up by activities. For life to be less hurried. Yet I'll admit, there were some phases that I wanted to speed up. Namely the toddler and early teen years (so much sass). Much of the time I felt like I was just hanging on for dear life. My husband and I were young parents, I was 21 when we had our daughter. Looking back, we had no idea what we were doing (ha) but at least we had a whole lot of love to give. 

As my kids got older, I wanted to stop the clock. Not because the teen years were precious moments to be savored but because I knew that our family dynamic was starting to change. In hindsight, those teen years were precious moments to be savored. From the last minute homework or project help, to the late night counseling sessions. From celebrating my kids getting their drivers licenses to the times I held my breath waiting for the car to pull into the driveway. 

The first night we got home from dropping our son off at college, I found myself leaving the front door unlocked and the porch light on, listening for his car to pull into the driveway when he got home from work. Alas, he was give hours away and quite joyful at the idea of being on his own. The whole situation felt unsettling. I said so to my husband as I turned off the light and locked the front door. 

A mere four days before, we sent our daughter off to Qatar with her husband to live and to teach for one to two years. Talk about ripping the empty nest Band Aid off- ouchie! One night that week I was lying in bed thinking moping and the house was so quiet. I was having one of those "this is your life" moments remembering all that had transpired in our bedroom. Every Christmas morning that our kids came zipping into our bedroom to tell us that Santa had come. My teen daughter flopping face down on the bed so that we could have another heart to heart talk about friends, school or faith. Sometimes burying her head under the pillow because it was too embarrassing. Our elementary school aged son balling his eyes out because he was being bullied. Toweling our kids off after they swam in our over sized bathtub with their swimsuits and goggles until their feet were white and wrinkled. The nights of musical beds when our kids were sick or having bad dreams. Waking up feeling slightly displaced or with someones toes in our faces. Nights huddled under the covers waiting for a thunderstorm to pass. Endless bedtime stories when I tried to skip pages but my kids finally got wise enough to know what I was doing. Intimate talks that went late into the night as we worried about our kids, analyzed a situation and tried to solve their problems. Lying in bed and dreaming about their futures, wondering how they'd turn out as they grew into adults. 

I really thought I was prepared for this empty nest gig. I mean, I have hobbies and friends and...a life. I am thrilled to get back to some things that I've put on the back burner for a long, long time. I feel fulfilled and content. Yet there are some days that the nest feels so...well...empty. It feels a little like grief. It comes in waves, in moments like the one in my bed, thinking about our family that was. Don't get me wrong, our family still is, but it is different now. Not a bad different, just different. Like when you buy a fabulous pair of shoes and they are slightly uncomfortable but you know that when they are broken in they will be just right. It's hard to sit in discomfort though. I'm scrunching my nose up as I think about it. I just want everything to feel right again, but I actually don't know what right feels like. I don't know how this new normal is supposed to feel. I guess I'll just thud around in this new pair of shoes until they feel better. Clomp around a bit until I feel more comfortable. I'll stretch and press into this new stage of my life. 

And now instead of peace and quiet, I just wish for peace. Peace for what life is now and for what life is to become. Peace that my children are safe and happy. Peace that God is watching over them. Peace that we've given them a solid foundation. Peace that we've done all we could to set them up to be successful, kind and compassionate adults. Peace in my impatience. Peace in my discomfort. Peace in my worry. 

Peace that life is unfolding exactly as it should. 

All In

I’m quite sure that no parenting book or words of wisdom could prepare me to be the mother of young adults and for the different kind of heart hurt and angst that comes along with it.

In the upcoming week, my youngest son leaves for his first year of college. As if him being 5 hours away wasn’t enough, my daughter and her husband just told us that they are moving to Qatar. Yes Qatar in the Middle East. And they are leaving in less than a week from now.

My husband and I used to have a hashtag #en2017 (empty nest 2017), and we used to excitedly chant it when our “kids” were getting on our nerves. Yet now that it’s here, I’m not quite as gleeful. I’d like to think that I kind of had my mind wrapped around our son leaving. I was mentally prepared for the tearful ride home from Pittsburgh, clinging to the fact that we’d see him in October at family weekend. Knowing that he’s ready, and excited, it’s time for me to let go.

But Qatar!?! When I texted or told people that our daughter was moving far, far, FAR away for 1-2 years, I got all kinds of responses. All of them which I appreciate. Some were empathetic. Some tried to take the positive “what a tremendous opportunity” route. But the response I appreciated the most was from my one girlfriend who responded “WTF!?!!! I would be devastated.” Exactly. And thank you.

The sermon at church today sure was timely. So timely I’d say it was God given. Our pastor talked about the notion of being ALL IN and raised the question “do we believe that God is truly the Lord over our lives”? As in, ALL of our lives. As in, not just when things go well, but when they are in the crapper. When we are experiencing our deepest hurts, can we still go ALL IN and believe that God has an intention for this time in our lives?

I have a deep faith and have experienced a world of hurts. Very, serious hurts. There were seasons of my life when I questioned God’s plan for me. I felt abandoned by Him. Yet He was always faithful.

When my children became young adults I realized that I had no choice but to go ALL IN and trust God with not only my life but the lives of my children. It was the only way I could have any kind of peace when it came to letting them go. I had two comforts to rely on as my kids came of age: 1) that my husband, family and I gave them a good foundation and that 2) God would take care of the rest.

After our daughter told us the news, and my husband and I were driving home processing it all. I said to him “I don’t even know why people have children, they rip your heart out.” OK, maybe a bit dramatic but hey, my mama heart was hurting. Being a parent of young adults can be terrifying. All of the sudden they are not under your roof anymore and you have no…more…control. Beyond the no control thing we also have the knowledge of all of the stupid stuff that we did as young adults. My husband and I dated in college, and boy were we stupid.

A friend of mine and I were talking about how it feels to send our kids off to college and she said that she felt a sense of mourning, that she was mourning the loss of the relationship. Her saying that made me feel better because that’s how I was feeling.

There is some goodness in the midst of all of this change. As a mama who is now on the other side, who has sent her daughter off to college, received her home, moved her back in, moved her out and watched her getting married. There is a new and different relationship that blossoms with adult children. There’s something crazy fulfilling that comes from watching our adult children find their ways and shine.

If you’re not in that place yet mama (or papa) (or caregiver), just hold on. It will happen. Your adult kids still need you, just in different ways and it will be equally if not more fulfilling to forge this new normal.

Heading into what is going to be a tough mama week, sending my son off to Pitt and my daughter off to Qatar, the comfort I seek is from the one who I trust the most.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7

This will be my verse of the week and I’ve written ALL IN on the palm of my hand to remind me that I need to trust God with ALL aspects of my life. Even when I’m afraid to let go.

"A carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying "Why?" - Dallas Willard

No matter what new normal you are facing, it is my prayer for you that the grace and peace that only God can bring comforts your heart. 

Dragon Slayer

Doubt, it’s a dream killer. It might be a more powerful dream killer than fear. Fear can be used to our advantage, sometimes it's an impetus that moves us forward. But doubt, doubt makes us feel uncertain about ourselves, others or our circumstances and can stop us in our tracks. 

Growing up I was an only child who lived in the country. I had a creative artistic mind and quite the imagination. I loved to write stories. I’d draw and construct and make them come to life. I was the creator of that world. I was always the hero of my story. Given the (fairly traumatic) childhood I had, I needed that safe space. A place where I was in control of the ending of my story. I’m sure that many of you can relate.

What happens to that sense of wonder and possibility as we get older? Life. Life chinks away at our armor of invincibility. We get hurt. We experience things like death or divorce. Depression, anxiety or addiction. Job loss. Financial stresses. Abuse or neglect. Illness. Pain. Loneliness. Our life might not take the path that we thought it was going to. A gap grows between our expectations and reality. And sometimes that gap gets filled with a heap of emotions until it feels like we are buried in them- sadness, regret, anger, impatience, worry, hopelessness.

When we’re in that state, it’s awfully hard to find our way out. Because the stories we start telling ourselves aren’t ones where we are the hero. We’re so mired in physical or emotion pain we move from hero to victim. Even if you are or have been a victim of something or someone, staying a victim doesn’t allow you move forward. To move from victim to victor, you have to take control of your story and that starts with the story in your mind. You have to realize that you are the one who is making you feel powerless. Because you hold the power. You control your choices. You control the reactions to your circumstances. We’re not kids anymore, but we still get to write the ending to our stories. Deep within us we still possess that glimmer of hope and possibility for our lives.

So how do we conquer those great dragons of doubt?  It’s time to armor up by:

Surrounding ourselves with positive people. There will be times in our lives when we don’t believe in ourselves. It’s during those times we need people that will show us our possibility. That will love us through it. That will speak truth to us. As I write this it’s thunder storming. My dog has planted herself right next to me because she’s terrified. I can feel her heart racing. Sometimes we need people next to us to assure us that it’s going to be OK. If you don’t have those kinds of people in your life, it’s time to evaluate your tribe.

Being grateful. Gratitude is a practice. Many times when we’re in the thick of a crappy circumstance it’s hard to see the positive. But the reality is that someone will always have it better and someone will always have it worse than we do. As we’re wallowing in self-pity (sometimes justified and sometimes not), there is someone else dreaming about the life we have. Take 5 minutes each day to write down 5 things that you are grateful for. You’ll be surprised at how this will change the way you are looking at your life.

Surrounding ourselves with positive messages. I was telling someone the other day that I had gotten back into the bad habit of starting my day with Facebook. Ugh, the power and pull of social media. I do much better when I start my day with a positive podcast, blog site, exercise, prayer, meditation, audio book or devotional. Pay attention to what’s draining you and replace it with something that can fuel your fire for the day.

Serving others. Serving others takes the focus off of us and our circumstances and often that’s exactly what we need. Serving others allows us to see the beauty and possibility in people and to reconnect with the ultimate dragon slayer, hope. Serving side by side with others allows us to see that there is still good in this world.

Extending grace and forgiveness. Offering grace and forgiveness doesn’t absolve the person who hurt you, it frees you and it frees your heart. I could write page upon page on this topic. Grace and forgiveness is a process. But once you free your heart, you are able to write a new story for your life. 

Armor up baby, it's time to save yourself.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Continue with courage.

Hugs & friendship,

Tara

Afraid to Fly

Last week I did something a bit unexpected, I signed up for Refit instructor training. Yes you read right, I, Tara Elizabeth Watson, signed up to be a fitness instructor. If I wasn’t so terrified, I’d be laughing hysterically at the thought. As I’ve shared in a previous post, I rubbed poison ivy leaves all over my body in elementary school just to avoid field day. Spoiler alert, I was terribly allergic! I was on first name basis with the school nurse because of my many feigned illnesses to get out of gym class, especially those dastardly presidential fitness tests! Over the years, fitness has not been my forte. I did pretty much everything I could to avoid movement. I used to lie on my couch watching the Biggest Loser whilst eating a piece of single serve cake I had picked up from Giant. I would wander aimlessly around the YMCA gym not knowing how to use the equipment, make a half assed effort, leave frustrated and pick up a pack of Entenmann’s chocolate crumb donuts to eat on the way home to make myself feel better.

I’m feeling a bit sick just thinking about the commitment that I made. My heart is racing and I’ve started thinking of ways that I can get out of it. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? Many things. I am an introvert so the idea of sitting in an 8 hour training class with people I don’t know is enough to make me run like holy heck in the opposite direction. I fear the unknown and I usually build it up to be much worse than it ever actually is. I’m a control freak, a researcher and a planner. I like to know everything before I start something. Since I don’t know what the class will be like, I worry that I won’t be able to do it. I’m afraid that my knee injury won’t hold up or that I won’t have enough physical endurance. I fear that my ship has sailed. That I’m too old and it’s too late for me to try something new. And as Nate (my husband) laughs at me, I worry that people won’t come to my class once I’m certified. I’ve always been petrified of being rejected. Why he laughs is that I’m always three steps ahead of myself, I didn’t even go through the certification course yet but I’m already stressing about the fact that people might not show up. *snort* I am seriously a hot mess!

A little over a year ago, I had that same sinking feeling in my stomach. I had taken a big leap moving from being a 20 year Weight Watcher veteran to trying Beachbody. People that knew me were skeptical and hey I don’t blame them. I was skeptical myself. I went from being a Weight Watcher’s evangelist to trying something new. If you’re just getting to know me, I blogged about my decision and then blogged weekly about my 21 day experience.  

http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2016/06/what.html

A completely unexpected turn of events came out of me trying Beachbody, I found out that I love fitness. Let me write that again for those who can’t believe what they are reading. I, Tara Elizabeth Watson, love to exercise. I love how my body is getting stronger every day. I love competing against myself. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a workout that I couldn’t complete just a few weeks before. I love the extra energy and stamina I am feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, are there days when I go into slug mode and do not feel like moving? Ah, yes. But I realize that I feel better when I move, not just physically, but emotionally.

So the question is, do I love fitness enough to get over my fears and to take this instructor training? Perhaps not. It’s gonna take more than that. It’s going to take faith.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

My God is bigger than my fears. Period. I know this. I also know that everything that has led me to this moment and to this decision is God given. This past year and a half has been filled with circumstance after circumstance that have intertwined me with people to get me here. I could not have dreamt of this path on my own. I started a faith based wellness class at my church which led me to meet my current Beachbody coach Erica. I said yes to trying Beachbody. I signed up to be a Beachbody coach. I started to grow my team. One of my coaches introduced me to one of her clients. This client does Refit. I wrote for Grace & Such and one of my writing colleagues also does Refit. Something about Refit grabbed my attention. I feel like this is the next step for me and all I can do is trust in God’s direction. God put the desire in my heart to become a Refit instructor and to start a wellness revolution in our area. So that’s what I’m doing.

Spreading my wings to fly is terrifying, but what’s more terrifying is not trying at all. I refuse to be afraid to fly.

I may fall, but with God as my safety net, I know that I will land on solid ground. 

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

You Freaking Dig

So, you’ve gained some or all of the weight back and now you’re in a funk of epic proportions. This funk might include self-berating talk like “I knew I would gain it back” or “I always fail” or “I’m just meant to be fat.” The funk might also include anger. Anger that you lost control. You want to scream “how did I @#$#@@ get here?!?” It feels like you’re going backwards so why the hell should you try again. And then you move into pity party land of “this is too hard” and “I just can’t do this anymore.” You also might be feeling sad and lost because usually when we gain weight back we’re so ashamed that we isolate which is the worst thing we can do.

Sometimes I joke with my husband that it would be easier just to gain the weight back. Because the planning, the prep, and the physical and mental work that it takes to lose and maintain weight, it’s hard. But as the quote says “losing weight is hard, being overweight is hard. Choose your hard.” For me, what’s harder than losing or maintaining my weight is what came with being overweight. The exhaustion, being out of breath, sleeping all of the time. Skipping events because my clothing didn’t fit. Weight related medical complications. Shopping in plus size stores. Depression. For me, that’s the real hard.

How do we move so quickly from being zoned in and on top of our game to having absolutely no motivation whatsoever? How do the behaviors that we thought we had made into solid habits disappear? I wish I could tell you that I have a magic solution, but I don’t. We can lose the weight, be a rock star on maintenance for 10 years and then go through a life experience that has us gaining it all back.  That sounds encouraging, am I right?!? I’m writing this because it’s a reality that many people, including myself have faced. We find ourselves in the situation described above and we have a choice to make. The choice is simple. We try again, or we quit. Ouch! #reallife

If you’re reading this it means that you don’t want to quit. You don’t want to face the real hard again. But you’re tired. You’re tired of trying. You’re tired of fighting. You’re not sure being healthy is worth it anymore. Yet there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to give up, that wants desperately to get on track and that’s exactly what you need to do. Try again. Now don’t whine and lament and get pissed off at me for making try again sound so simple, it’s not. It’s not because life is complicated. Life throws us illness and family stress and moves and divorces. Life throws us injury and heartache and money troubles. And when this happens, we need to dig. Dig deeper than we ever have before.

We need to remember why we started this journey in the first place. We need to write down our why’s and keep them in front of us. We need to remember what it felt like to be healthier. And then we dig. Digging means showing up. Digging means doing the work when we don’t want to. When we’re not motivated. When we want to throw a crying baby fit because it’s too hard and it’s not fair that some people NEVER have to deal with being overweight.

Digging means accepting how we feel at this moment. Sitting with that disappointment, sadness and desperation. Acknowledging that it sucks. Feeling those hurts and then, letting them go. We cannot hold on to those feelings. We need to accept them, but we can’t let them fester. Letting them fester is like having weeds that cloud our minds and leave no room for new growth.

If you’re still with me, it’s time to get to work. It’s time to get back to the habits that worked for you. It’s time to reach out for help. DO NOT do this alone.

It’s time to freaking dig. 

Continue with courage. Hugs & friendship,

Tara

The Magic Sauce

A few days ago I reached out to my Beachbody team because I knew I was getting off track and I was having trouble reeling it in on my own. I set up a 6 week challenge that starts today. This challenge has an added component of reporting out to the group (in a safe way) each week if we gained, lost or stayed the same. I knew that I needed this kind of accountability, but I didn’t know how badly I did.

Today, day one of the challenge, I weighed and measured, and oh sh!t, it wasn’t pretty. I am up in my weight and measurements. And while this wasn’t a surprise to me (I knew that I was), it still hurt. I am up more than I thought. I am up more than I’d like to be. It’s pretty discouraging. I’m genuinely disappointed and rather disgusted with myself. It doesn’t feel good to go backwards, especially when I’ve had such a public and transparent wellness journey. I’m working hard to keep my head in a positive space today. I know that self-berating does nothing. It’s not productive. I acknowledge those feelings and I’m moving on.

The best revenge is taking action. Over the weekend I went to a Beachbody event in Philly. It was training on how to be a better coach. One of the core messages was consistency. That to be a great coach you don’t have to be super flashy or be overly talented in one area or another. To be successful you have to show up and put up. You have to do the work. Now some of you may be reading this thinking “wow Tara, brilliant” <insert sarcasm here>. But let’s get real. Showing up, putting up, doing the work, it’s not easy. We can come up with a million excuses as to why something is not working, but the reality is that we are not putting in the work and we need to own that. I need to own that.

During this training they also talked about that success can be found in our systems. I have a system that works and I know this. It’s called Beachbody. Portion fix works. The combination of built in portion control and whole foods is extremely effective and I know this. So I am back to using my containers, writing down my foods, paying closer attention to the food list. Planning my day, planning my meals. I am back to basics. My eating is where I’ve been falling down and I know it. Big-time! The structured workout programs work. And while I have to tweak the program a bit because of my knee, I have mapped out 6 weeks of activity. I will be pushing play every day. My workout program is printed and on my refrigerator. This non-morning gal rolled her butt out of bed early today and I already completed my workout- Sculpt B is done. I’m proud to say that I’ve been consistent with my workouts. I know how important daily movement is to my state of mind. Shakeology works. I am consistent with my shakes. They are a huge carb craving crusher for me. The support system works. We are better together. I am currently in a challenge group and am kicking off a new group today. I need the support. I need the accountability. I know that if I go this alone, I will begin to isolate. I’ll also lie to myself about how I’m doing and what I’m eating and before I know it, I will be back to where I started. And I REFUSE to let that happen. Five years ago I reached my weight loss goal and I have been maintaining that 40 pound loss ever since. Has the scale fluctuated? Yes, I am human. I love food, especially sweets. Gimme all the chocolate!

This is not a sprint, it’s a distance run with an ever changing finish line. I am not finished. Neither are you. I am a work in progress. I will accept where I am and commit to getting back to where I want to be.

Beachbody works. I believe in this program. I believe in me. I believe that I can and I will turn this around. I am willing to show up. I am willing to put in the work. I will not quit on myself. The people who get results, no matter what they are pursing, no matter the obstacle, are the ones who are willing to grind. That’s the magic sauce right there. Be consistent. Be persistent and never EVER give up.

Decide. Commit. Succeed.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Not that Girl

Last night Nate (my husband) and I were sitting in the living room chatting while I was doing some social media stuff. I started to laugh and said “who the hell am I? I just posted on Facebook about healthy muffins that I made from scratch using whole foods?” We had a good chuckle about that. And while I was posting, my profile pic caught my eye. It’s me wearing fitness gear holding weights- how absurd! I’m not that girl…am I?

If you know me you know that I hate to cook. I find it to be laborious and exhausting, stressful. Yet I’ve found that since I started Beachbody (BB), there is something satisfying that comes with knowing that I am preparing something that is healthy for my body. It almost makes me see cooking in a different way (almost but not quite). It almost feels good. To take that control into my hands. I’ve gotta be honest (and please don’t be offended), I used to call people who ate whole foods “food freaks”, yes it’s true. Because I really couldn’t be bothered and it seemed like a lot of work. A few years back I went to a personal trainer in my town to see what their program was all about. After listening patiently, I politely declined, came home, thrust the food lists at my husband and said “this is not doable, who eats this stuff!?!” Funny enough, those same foods are on my BB food list now. They are ones that I embrace and enjoy because I know that I am fueling my body. But I’m not that girl…am I?

Today, I decided to go live on Facebook (FB) to share the progress I’ve been making on PIYO. If you know me you know that FB live terrifies me. I’m a perfectionist and when you go live there is no way you can edit- meep! What if something goes wrong? What if I screw up? Yikes! But I went ahead with sharing because I’m so pumped about my progress! And I wanted to share that progress is about more than weight and inches- it’s about strength, stamina, endurance; being willing to try something new, to take risks. I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to do PIYO, but week by week I got stronger. I modified less, I held the poses longer. I finished my 30 days feeling empowered, longer and leaner. So I made a video of me doing a few of the PIYO moves and it was so scary! My heart was beating out of my chest when I was done. But I did it! I shared a video of me doing workout moves on FB! Yet I’m not that girl…am I?

I’m not the girl who is running her own fitness business. Who loves to exercise. Who considers it a gift to be able to move her body. I’m not the girl who wants to shout from the rooftops how healthy and energized she feels, who enjoys eating to fuel her body. I’m not the girl who has begun to put herself out there, to stop being so hard on herself, who embraces failure as growth. Am I?

Aren’t I still this girl on the left? I remember this girl. She was invisible. She was sad and depressed. She smiled on the outside and was fading away on the inside. Back in her early 20’s she decided to get a Y membership. Before she went into the gym, she sat in the car for a while, too afraid to go in. When she finally decided to go in, she had no idea where to start. She was so self-conscious, she felt like everyone was judging her. So after a short time she left and on her way home she stopped to get a pack of Entenmann’s chocolate crumb donuts. And she ate them alone, filled with feelings of shame and self-doubt.

She was lonely. She self-isolated. Instead of going out, she stayed at home. Embarrassed about her weight and too tired and too scared to do anything about it. She went shopping for this dress for her college roommates wedding. Shopping was torture. She had maxed out at a size 16 and the dresses in the plus size section seemed like they were made for a much older woman. And so she settled, bought a dress and got the heck out of the store. She will never forget that feeling, wondering how she had even gotten to that point.

Throughout my 20’s and 30’s, I have plenty of stories like this. Maybe you do too? Maybe you’re living them right now. Maybe you’ve hit your rock bottom, you are lost and losing hope. I am here to tell you that YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOU CAN BE THAT GIRL, the one that is healthy, the one that is energized, the one that feels better than she ever has…IF YOU DON’T TRY. So what you’ve tried before, TRY AGAIN.

WHAT IF THIS IS YOUR TIME? What if this is YOUR moment? YOUR year? What if you could be on your way to living your best life? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOU DON’T TRY. I don’t care if you have tried before and quit. TRY AGAIN. Dig deep. If I can do this, if I can be that girl. The one who went into a dressing room yesterday and tried on a dress that made her feel amazing, and it was in a single digit dress size! The one who wakes up happy to be alive. You can be that girl (or guy) too! It starts with a belief in yourself. 

Decide. Commit. Succeed.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Who I Want To Be

I was a classic cartoon junkie growing up- Tom and Jerry, Looney Tunes, Casper the Friendly Ghost, The Jetsons, The Flintstones, Yogi Bear, Mighty Mouse and of course Popeye. There was something so simple about Popeye, it seemed like he was cool with himself and he made no apologies when he said “I am what I am.” Yet when I re-read that statement it seems limiting to me, somewhat deflated and a little sad. No disrespect Popeye, you’re still da man in my book. My Pop-Pop used to tell me that if I ate spinach I would grow hair on my chest. Maybe that’s why I just started eating spinach, I was afraid…ha!

It’s really amazing how we carry past misconceptions about ourselves (and others) into our present life. I was watching Tony Robbin’s documentary I Am Not Your Guru on Netflix (if you haven’t watched it- do it) and Tony was talking about the fact that our earliest childhood memories can form who we are as adults. So I started to think about some of my earliest childhood memories. If you’ve read any of my posts, especially when I write for Grace and Such, you know that my childhood was and youth messed up. Yet all in all when I look back at growing up on R.D. (rural delivery) #4 Brandywine Drive I see a generally happy kid. Anyway…back to those memories. One of my earliest memories is my parents fighting in their first apartment- like yelling, screaming, throwing stuff fighting. I can’t pinpoint my age, I know that I was less than five because by that time my parents had divorced and I was living with my grandparents. It’s a little fuzzy to me what they were fighting about but I know that it centered around me. And I can say that from a very young age I became a good girl. Not to not make waves. To work hard. To get good grades. To be a rule follower. To not be a burden. To take care of myself. Because I felt like there was this underlying message that I was an inconvenience, so I needed to lay low.

I can see how I carried this into my adulthood and how in many ways it served me well. I developed a fabulous work ethic. I did well in school. I stayed out of trouble. I’ve worked my way up in a few workplaces. Yet I can also see how I let that mentality hold me back.

I need to admit to one of my current guilty viewing pleasures- Chloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body. Hey now, don’t judge. I have NEVER watching anything Kardashian. But I love how they go beyond the weight loss and into the psyche of the person they are training to see why they gained the weight in the first place. I remember one of the psychologists talking about the fact that people who were sexually abused tend to be overweight because of their lack of self-worth. I was sexually abused by a family member who is now in jail. I’ve been doing a lot of heart and soul work around my self-worth these past few years. If I go deep, I mean really, really deep I’d have to say that one of the reasons that I gained weight, especially in my 20’s was a defense mechanism so that men might not find me attractive. I was afraid of what the attention might lead to.  

Fast forward to today. I am 45 and in the best shape of my life (physically, emotionally and spiritually) in part because I have surrounded myself with a group of people who remind me that I’m worthy. I’m worthy of the work and of the discipline it takes to make consistent healthy choices to take the best care of me- mind, body and spirit. I also surround myself with people who remind me that I am a child of God. I am His beloved. He loves me for me. I don’t have to earn God’s love, He just loves me. Do you know how much that knowledge heals the broken child within me who always felt she had to earn love and that she was never quite good enough?

I could write page upon page about the tension that exists between accepting who you are yet having the ability to move beyond who you were. While we do carry many childhood behaviors, self-beliefs and misconceptions into our adulthood- we have the power within us to be someone different. We have the power to choose. When we believe what others think or say about us, we give the power to them. When we believe that the past has defined us and that it’s not possible to change, we are handcuffing ourselves to our limits. I have come to learn that while there are times that I cannot control the outcome, I can control my attitude and my actions. And instead of Popeye’s saying of “I am what I am” my mantra is “I am who I want to be” and I accept who God made me to be. With the help of my faith, friends and family I will continue down this path of growth. Here are some resources I’ve used on my journey:

• Sometimes you need professional help. It’s not a weakness it’s a strength to ask for it. A few years back I went to Life Counseling Services in Paoli, it released me from some very heavy burdens that I carried my whole life. I still use the coping mechanisms that they taught me. Those sessions were forever valuable and are ingrained in my heart and mind.  

http://www.lifecounseling.org/office-locations/

• Podcasts and audio books. I love to listen to them in my car or while I’m working out. To be lifted up, we have to surround ourselves with uplifting words and images. These are just a few:

The Chalene Show- Podcast, The Best You (Josh Coats)- Podcast, Pastor Rick’s Daily Hope- Podcast, Joyce Meyers Ministries TV-Podcast, Love Does- Audiobook, Rising Strong- Audiobook, The Universe Has Your Back- Audiobook, 100 Ways to Simplify Your Life- Audiobook.

• Get your physical health in gear. Find a Team Beachbody Coach. If you follow my blog at all you know how much Beachbody has changed my life. Put good fuel in your body and get it moving- you will be rewarded with a sense of clarity, energy and empowerment that might be missing from your life. And if Beachbody’s not the right plan for you, find one that works. We only get one body. Are you doing what you need to do to take care of it?

http://www.beachbodycoach.com/TeamIgnite/

Lastly, find your tribe. Those who will lift you up and carry you when you just can’t. Those who believe in you when you don’t. Beyond my friends and family, and Team Beachbody I am blessed by my church community. 

http://www.moviechurch.com/

The first step to becoming who you want to be is believing that you are worth it.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

The Rabbit Hole

I have been a real pisser over the past few days. To my husband who I know is reading this, thanks for loving me anyway. It started earlier in the week. We have contractors here finishing the basement and I’m so excited to see the finished product! What I didn’t realized is how much the noise from the tools would trigger my trigeminal neuralgia- this week has brought pain and pain and more pain. I started to get angry and have a little pity party for myself. What kind of life is this? I can’t even be in my own home because noise equals pain. But I can’t go outside and work somewhere else either because cold equals pain. And so it went, my negative thoughts took me deeper and deeper down a mental funk rabbit hole until the light seemed so far away.

Yet this time around the rabbit hole looked and felt different to me. It wasn’t as closed in because I left room in there for people to find me. It wasn’t as deep because I could still see the light. So why was it different this time? 

My Beachbody Family. This week I struggled to make good choices because I wasn’t feeling well and I usually soothe with food. However my Beachbody family kept me going. The love and support that I receive from my coach and my challengers and people that I’m just meeting in challenge groups, it makes me want to be a better me. On those days when I didn’t want to push through, I did. I kept my body moving and pushed play because I know, I KNOW how good exercise is for me physically and mentally. And while I wasn’t perfect with my eating I know, I KNOW how good it feels to remain in control of my choices event when I don’t feel well.

Personal Development. Last night was the low point to my week. My neuralgia got really bad and I had to rest and take prescription meds. Because the outside temperatures were going to be brutal cold today (Saturday) I had to move my daughter’s wedding dress fitting and cancel dinner with my daughter and her fiancé. So besides the physical pain, that left me feeling glum. That glum feeling led to my overeating but at one point in the evening I stopped myself and asked- what can I do to self soothe besides eat? I remembered one of my fellow coaches posting about the Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix- I am not your guru. If you have not watched this. Do it. This weekend. The healing energy from that documentary went deep down into my soul. I’ll be doing a blog post about it, stay tuned.

It is crazy how God (or the universe or whatever you believe in) strings moments of hope and encouragement together just when we need it most.

My Beachbody Family. This morning I woke up to some really encouraging messages from my Beachbody challengers. One challenger posted that she’s gone from loose fitting size 18 work pants to a comfortable size 14; she’s in the middle of her second round of the 21 Day Fix. Seeing other people light up, that lights me up too. I received a phone call from one of my challengers just to say that she appreciated my welcome card/gift that I sent her in the mail. A phone call, I mean who calls anyone anymore? How wonderful is that? I get so much joy from helpings other succeed. So.much.joy.

My family. I could write paragraph upon paragraph about my husband of 22 years and how amazing and understanding he is about my illness. He cares for me and our kids beyond measure. He is one of the most giving and selfless men I know. He gives and he never complains, ever. My love for him grows every single day.

This morning I woke up to a text message from my daughter. It was her singing and playing guitar to Made New by the Jordan Howerton band. She could have been agitated that I had to cancel on her today, instead she blessed me with a song. 

All the pour in spirit, mourning weary ones.

There is a savior who has come.

So rest and know the promise of his love.

Take heart and know you’re not alone.

Through his death and resurrection we are not who we’ve been.

We are made new again.

Here’s a link to her singing: https://youtu.be/WMc_7xe8vrU

My God. Man oh man did I need those song lyrics this morning. God’s unconditional love is like a healing balm to my soul. He’s the light at the end of my rabbit hole, guiding me back by putting people and events in my life that show me that everything is going to be OK.

It’s not the big leaps that get you out of the rabbit hole, it’s recognizing hope in the everyday moments of your life. It’s knowing that you are loved just the way you are. It’s accepting help when you don’t want to ask for it. It’s having the faith that one day things be better. It’s resting when you are weary and working your a$$ of when you’re not.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

The Difference Is In The Doing

This is it. You’ve decided that 2017 is going to be YOUR year. The year that you finally do it, you shed the mental and physical pounds you’ve been carry around for longer than you’d like to admit.

For a brief moment you are fired up! You are unstoppable! You are a fierce force! And then *insert melodramatic music here*…fear.

Yep, I’ve been there. Heck, I’m still there whenever I decide to try something new. I can talk myself out of something quicker than Lady Gaga’s wardrobe changes at the Super Bowl. Because…fear.

Fear of the same. What if you decide to lose the weight and the same sh!t happens again? You go hard for a few days and then…quit. You lose a few pounds and then gain them all back.

Fear of the new, different and unknown. What if you succeed and your life changes? Just the thought of that can be paralyzing. What if you lose friends? What if you start to become a different person and you have no idea how to navigate that reality?

I struggled in this cycle for years. I wanted so badly to make a change but I kept getting in my own way, every single freaking time. 2007- start…stop. 2008- try…fail. 2009- lose…gain. 2010- commit…quit.

It’s always interesting to watch someone on their wellness journey, when they have their a-ha moment, when it finally clicks and change starts to happen. Everyone has a different reason as to why it finally clicked and they were able to reach their goals. Yet there’s one common denominator that they all have that’s as simple as the Nike slogan- © Just Do It.

The difference is in the doing.

Beachbody’s slogan is Decide. Commit. Succeed. Simple right? Maybe not so simple when you’re eyeing up that birthday cake or those nachos or that craft beer. The deciding may seem easy, but it’s not. Because we flounder. One day we’re all in and the next day we don’t even remember making the decision. Because…life.

The magic is in the commitment.

The message that I hear over and over again through Beachbody is that results come from showing up and doing the work, every single day, even on the days when we don’t wanna. Eeeek! This is even harder than making the decision, you mean we actually have to do the work? That’s a bunch of malarkey! We made the choice to change and now we have to do the work to see results? Crazy talk!

OK, I know that we KNOW this. So how do we do this?

- We find a program that works for us, that doesn’t make us feel deprived, that is maintainable for life.

- We tell our family and friends what we’re doing and we rally their support. Note- I know that you don’t want to do this because you’re afraid of failing and you want to do this alone until you start to see success but that is counter-productive. We are better together, we do better together. Ignore the haters, they have their own issues to contend with. Surround yourself with people who want to see you succeed.

- We establish short and long term goals and then we put them out there. We keep those goals in focus and in front of us. We share them with a coach or accountability partner who will help us stick to them.

- We write down our why. This why becomes our anchor when we start to drift. We will drift.

- We tackle only the day ahead of us, otherwise it can be so overwhelming. We commit to making one healthy decision and we build on it. One healthy decision will lead to the next and with that kind of momentum, we are unstoppable.

- We examine our mindset every single day. We begin our day with the intention to be well. We have to get our minds right so our bodies can follow.

- We let go of all or nothing thinking. Ten minutes of exercise is better than none. Some days that’s all the time you’ll have. Set a goal to move a little bit more than you did before.

- We own the space around us. We own our good and bad choices. We own our actions and consequences. And if we don’t like the results we’re seeing, we make a change.

We show up. Every day. We do the work. We sweat. We cry. We get frustrated. We rejoice. We celebrate.

We are consistent. We are persistent and we never give up. 

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Going for the Good

I’m often asked how I’m able to stay motivated on my wellness journey. How I’ve managed to maintain my weight loss since 2012. The answer is simple. I live for the good days. You may have come to this link hoping for a wellness related post and while my post has nothing to say specifically about weight loss, it’s about patient endurance. We need patient endurance and faith to reach our goals.

When I think about all that could go wrong throughout any given day, it amazes me that we even get out of bed. There’s so much to worry about. Worry can be defined as “to allow one's mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles.” (Encyclopedia.com) Even though we have no idea what the day might bring, if we’re blessed enough to open our eyes on a new day, we wake up and we carry on.

So that’s what I did yesterday. I had a productive work day and was doing great with my self care. I ate well and tried a new workout that I loved PIYO. Things were humming along. I was feeling energized and grateful. As I started to get dinner ready, I had some pain in my right ear that stopped me in my tracks. I’ve had trigeminal neuralgia/atypical facial pain since 2001 and the illness presents itself in less and more severe ways. I know by now that ear pain means it could possibly be a doozy, so I took some meds right away. I tried to continue on with my dinner prep but the pains kept coming. And while I don’t want to spend a lot of time on this post about what trigeminal neuralgia is- let’s just say that it’s called the Suicide Disease for a reason. The pain can be relentless and excruciating- like having child birth labor pains in your head, like continuous lightning bolt strikes that don’t stop. Nothing grabs your attention like that kind of pain.

I didn’t want to take my heavier meds because they make me sick, sleepy and in general they slow me down but I ended up taking them because I wasn’t getting any relief. By this time I’ve now stopped everything I’m doing and I have the lights off praying that it’s not a serious attack. Usually my heavier meds kick in within 30-60 minutes but this time, the pain went on for almost 4 hours until I got relief. When you’re in that kind of pain all you can do is pray and rest and pray some more. I finally got to sleep and when I woke up I knew it was a bad pain attack because my face was sore, my eye was sore and blurry so I had to call off of work to rest. I also had to cancel my part in a Beachbody Sneak Peek my team was holding this evening. I hate how much this illness takes from me. How it can turn my life, my plans and other peoples plans upside down in an instant. How unpredictable it is. How having a positive attitude is not enough. How praying for mercy is not enough to heal (there is no cure). It can make a girl downright bitter.

Many with this illness, they just stop living. Because the fear and worry takes them over. I’ve read about people who become so afraid of their triggers they become house bound. Our pain triggers are both predictable and unpredictable- extreme cold, extreme heat, wind, damp weather, noise, bright lights, talking too much, heck even the hair dryer can be a trigger. So what’s a girl to do? This is the lot I’ve been given.

Last night I was listening to Joyce Meyer. She equated faith with sitting on a chair. When we get ready to sit on a chair we don’t wonder if it’s going to hold our weight, we simply sit. We believe that the chair is going to hold us. We take the action of sitting. That’s what living in faith is for me. Every day that I wake up, no matter how many times my body has been beaten down, I believe that I’m going to be well, and that’s it’s going to be a good day. It may end up being the crappiest day ever, but what if it doesn’t? What if I’ve wasted another day that God has given me because I’m afraid? Because I’m consumed by worry. Because I don’t believe in myself enough to try something new. What if I’ve wasted another day because I don’t have faith? Because my chair got a little wobbly and now I’m not sure if it will hold me so I just keep standing on my own, even though I’m about to fall over in exhaustion. Joyce talks about living life in the middle. The middle, it’s the hard part and it can also be the good part. Maybe you’re in the middle of something right now? You’re in the middle of finishing up a certification or a degree. You’re in the middle of raising a family. You’re in the middle of cancer treatments. You’re in the middle of a divorce. You’re in the middle of a weight loss or wellness journey. You’re in the middle of changing careers. The middle is hard, because there are days when we just can’t see that there’s an end in sight and even worse we don’t know how things are going to turn out. This is when we have to believe that God is faithful. That He is working in advance for our good. We have to believe that just like a cream filled donut, there is good stuff in the middle. (Yes I love me some donuts).

Joyce went on to say that “a lot of people never reach their goals, they never get to their destination, they never see their dreams fulfilled, they never experience the fulfillment of the promises of God in their life because they don’t know what to do in the middle. God has provided wonderful things for you but you have to decide that you are going to have them and that you are not going to let any person on earth or any devil in hell take them away from you.”  

That good stuff, you have to decide that you are going to have it and then you need set the wheels in motion to go after it. You have to do the work. You have to pursue it with all the fire you have within you. And when you grow weary, when you feel like you’re stuck, lean on that chair a while. What if you quit and the goal is closer than it seemed? What if you’re almost there? The only thing worse than giving up is starting over. Keep going for the good.

Continue with courage.  

Hugs and friendship,

Tara