In the Meantime

It’s hard to believe that I wrote the below post almost two and a half years ago. It’s about me finally deciding to take the leap and become a Weight Watchers leader, a decision that was many years in the making.

http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2012/08/why-weight-watchers.html

When I reached my goal (the first time around) in 1997, I was so jazzed up about the program, and about feeling great, that I wanted to be a leader. However I was petrified! So I let my fear of public speaking and my lack of belief in myself, hold me back.

Fast forward to 2012, that summer my family and I went on a mission trip to Guatemala. When I came home I made a pledge to continue to try new things and to leap out of my comfort zone to honor God and his faith in me. In less than a week after our return from Guatemala, I had submitted my application to be a Weight Watchers leader and in the fall of 2012 I became a certified leader.

Unless you are a close friend or family member, you won’t understand how significant this was for me. I am terrified beyond belief of public speaking. To the point that I when I took a public speaking class in college I would run to the bathroom beforehand and throw up. I didn’t even finish the class, I dropped it. I am such an introvert that I get locked up and tongue tied even when speaking for meetings at work, basically anytime the attention is on me I start to sweat, my throat closes up, my stomach goes nuts and my heart starts to flutter.

This goes deeper than a fear of public speaking; it’s a fear of being judged and not being good enough. That someone won’t like what I have to say or I won’t be articulate. I have always been a people pleaser and a perfectionist and have cared WAY too much about what other people think.  I don’t like the unknown, being caught off guard or possibly not knowing the answer to a question.

Just making it through the WW training was an accomplishment. I spent many minutes in the bathroom (I’ll spare you from the details) and in front of the bathroom mirror giving myself a pep talk that I could do this.

What was different this time around for me is that my desire to make an impact, to help people changes their lives for the better, overcame my fear.

My first few weeks in the WW meeting room were treacherous. If you’re one of my members reading this, you’re probably shaking your head and laughing. I was a hot, nervous mess. Yet (I hope) that my passion for the program and my absolute love of helping people succeed overcame at least some of the mess.

Several times my nerves got the best of me and I wanted to quit. Yet sure enough, week by week, I started to relax. It was really hard not to worry about what my members were thinking about me. When I got into my own head and started to worry, I needed to remind myself that this was not about me, this was about them.

Little by little, I started coming into my own style, not trying to replicate anyone else- I realized that I just needed to be me.  And all of the sudden I was having so much fun!

I cannot explain the sheer joy that I felt every week seeing people transform right before my eyes. Not so much the physical, but the emotional changes. Witnessing people who came in with their heads down, so discouraged and slowly as they lost the weight they gained confidence in themselves. Their whole demeanor changed, they started to get a spring in their step, a sparkle in their eyes. It’s like the song- Joy To the World.

Joy, unspeakable joy. An overflowing where no tongue can tell. Joy, unspeakable joy. Rises in my soul, never lets me go.

Now I find myself at a loss. As most of you reading this know, while I was out due to the cold and my neuralgia, Weight Watchers gave the woman that was subbing my class even though we had mutually agreed on a sub arrangement from January through March. And just like that, the joy is gone.

Honestly, I’m really have a hard time processing it. I am so sad. WW has been a part of my identity for 19 years. I always tell my members, I’m not on the WW program, WW is a part of me. There are two things I can get on a soapbox about- Jesus and Weight Watchers- I’m passionate about telling people about them both.

And so, in a situation that makes absolutely no sense to me, I go back to passion number one. I have to believe that this is a part of God’s plan for me and I must trust in it.

A few years ago, I went through a family situation that turned my life upside down so greatly that I went to counseling. It was a situation that happened to me that I had no control over. I lamented again and again to my counselor that I was at such a loss and felt so out of control. I cried and I cried some more. We talked about the fact that I might not be able to control the circumstance, yet I could control my reaction to it. We talked about the need to accept it, not to like it, not to lessen the unfairness of it all; but that my first step to moving beyond it was to accept that it happened. And then we talked about the need for me to live in the present and to be able to bring my mind back to the present whenever it started to wonder- not fretting about the past, not worrying about the future, staying present.

And so my mantra became I will be present focused and positive. While my situation with Weight Watchers pales in comparison, the same mantra applies.

I have no idea where God is taking me on this journey, yet in the meantime I will be present focused and positive.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Because It Works

Things got ugly in the Watson household this week. I faced the scale and it went up again. Now that was no surprise as I’m just coming off of a Josh-Tara birthday cake/cupcake episode, yet it set off a few alarms for me.

A while back during one of my Weight Watchers (WW) classes, I asked members to jot down one piece of advice that they would then give to someone else. One person wrote “If you kind of do the program it kind of works and if you really work the program it really works.”

Ka-blaam-o! That just about sums it up. I’ve been putting in a half a$$ed effort for well, say, the past five months. Some days I’m a wellness champion, my eating and activity is downright heroic! Some days…epic fail. The net net (this seems to be the newest business buzzword) is that the scale has slowly been creeping up, one sneaky little pound at a time.

As a lifetime member on maintenance, I have a magic number that I don’t want to go above. I have surpassed that number and it’s about to get real up in here.

In the spirit of keeping it real, I am up a total of 4 pounds since before the holidays. Gasp! While some might be saying, please Tara, you still look great (hey thanks); others might be shaking their heads and clicking their tongues making a tsk…tsk…tsk…sound. I hear you!

This week, I got out my handy dandy notebook and got down to serious business. I developed a reasonable weigh loss map that has me losing .5 a week until I get back to where I want to be. While .5 a week might not seem like a lot, especially in today’s instant gratification world; it’s a reasonable goal for me when taking a few things into consideration:

• My current weight
• I have nerve damage in my foot which has severely limited my cardio workout abilities
• I’m stuck inside due to the cold and my neuralgia which makes me prone to eat from boredom

Once I mapped out my weight loss numbers, I started a list of things that I need to do more and less of:

• More: Water 
• Less: Sugary beverages (I’ve been sneaking them in)
• More: Exercise                                                                                 
• Less: Excuses
• More: Accurate tracking (pre-tracking my day)                                  
• Less: Guesstimates and half a$$ed tracking
• More: Fruits/Veggies                                                              
• Less: Sugar and processed foods
• More: Whole foods                                                                          
• Less: Baked goods (dang)
• More: Meal planning                                                                          
• Less: Dinners out

I also decided that I’m going to keep focused and motivated by checking out WW online every day, reading an article or success story to keep my head in the game.

Lastly, since I cannot go outside or attend/lead meetings due to the cold, I have asked my husband to hold me accountable on the scale. I will be reporting to him each week on my progress.

This week, I’d like to encourage you to take a good look at where you are and where you want to be and to map out a plan for your success.

• Be honest (yep it hurts).
• Share your plan with someone who will hold you accountable.
• Be realistic (you didn’t gain the weight in a week and you’re not going to lose it all in a week).

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Because You're Still Here

As I write this I am recovering from a whopper of a neuralgia attack that started two nights ago. When I write whopper and neuralgia in the same sentence- what I really mean is that it was a shit storm of pain. It was a combination of trigeminal and occipital neuralgia accompanied by atypical facial pain. Which when loosely translated means that I had pain in the top of my head, my eye, my teeth, my nose, my ear and the back of my neck, like I said, a shit storm.

I needed to work yesterday so I took lower levels of medication so I could focus. I also needed to take my son to his first job interview, so I needed to be able to drive. I was determined not to miss out on that special first with him. As the evening progressed, so did the pain. I drove myself to acupuncture to see if I could get any relief. The pain was so bad after acupuncture that I wore my sunglasses at night to drive home because the car headlights were too bright. The real insult was that my face and ear hurt so badly that I couldn’t wear my neck warmer to protect myself from the cold and I had to wear my sunglasses crooked so they didn’t touch my ear. By the time I got home, the whole right hand side of my face was untouchable, if anything touched it, including my pillow, I would feel a lightening jolt of pain.

Yesterday’s attack reminded me of a time just a few years ago when this was almost my everyday life. A time when I had so much pain I would just lie in bed and cry. A time when I had so much pain that I couldn’t open my jaw to eat.  When my kids and my husband couldn’t touch or hug me. I was afraid to brush my hair or teeth, for fear of new pain. I couldn’t even smile because it hurt.

It was a dark, depressing and hopeless time.

But I’m still here.

Last night while I was lying in bed, I tried to remain focused on the gift of life. During my prayer time I said- Father God and Jesus, I love you, I trust you and I give thanks that I’m still here.

Life is not perfect, yet it is a gift worth receiving. We are going to face some serious shit storms of physical and emotional pain. We might be broken until we think that we can’t get back up, but we can. Whether it’s the emptiness we feel after a shattered relationship, a divorce or a death. Or the heartache we feel when watching a loved one go through a rough patch, especially our own children. Maybe it’s painful memories from childhood that keep bubbling to the surface that we just can’t shake off. Or the shame of an addiction that just won’t go away.  Perhaps it’s the long time suffering of a chronic or terminal illness.

We’re still here.

As I continued my prayer time I said- Father God and Jesus, I love you, I trust you and I give thanks that I’m still here.  I’ll keep up the fight. I’m not a quitter. I treasure the gift of life. I humbly ask for another day. If you grant it to me I’ll make the best of it, even when I don’t feel well. I’ll grab on to the gift of life with both hands, I’ll clench my fists and I’ll hold the gift tightly to my chest. I’ll be thankful for another breath, another chance, another day.

I’m still here. I opened my eyes this morning and wanted to write this to you. To tell you that the sun is shining and you’re still here. The day has dawned and you’re still here.

You are not your pain. You are not your shame. You are not your past. You are not your addiction. You are not your mistakes. You are not others mistakes. You are not your disabilities. You are not your fears. You are not your shortcomings. You are not your illness.

You are simply you, and you’re still here.

God is greater than your pain. God is greater than your shame. God is greater than your past. God is greater than your addiction. God is greater than your mistakes. God is greater than others mistakes. God is greater than your disabilities. God is greater than your fears. God is greater than your shortcomings. God is greater than your illness.

God is great, and you’re still here.

Take a deep breath, you’re still here.

Give humble thanks, you’re still here.

You are not alone, you’re still here.

Bravely face the day, you’re still here.

Don’t question it, don’t over think it, just accept it.

You're still here and we need you here.

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Control-Alt-Delete

Technology, it’s awesomesauce when it works properly, and when it doesn’t, its exasperating! I just love when you call a company for support, you’re on hold forever, you get transferred around a few times, and when you finally get a real, LIVE, person- they tell you to press Control-Alt-Delete.

What?!? A simple re-boot will fix the problem that’s been driving me ab-so-lute-ly insane?!? That’s taken up so much of my time and brainpower?!?

Lately I’ve been feeling like I need mental reboot. I’m heading down a path that’s familiar and unsettling. Between being stuck inside due to my neuralgia and not being able to exercise due to a foot injury, I’m in a bit of a mental funk. The scale is sliding upwards and I’m not at all pleased. 

There are a few things that can happen when we press Control-Alt-Delete:

• The program that we need goes back to its default settings.
• The program that we need is restored to its saved settings.
• The program that we need is updated.

Amazingly, even after being a lifetime member of Weight Watchers for 18 years, I can feel myself slipping back into old patterns, going back to my pre-Weight Watchers default settings. Using food to comfort, getting that taste of sugar and wanting more, not measuring or tracking my portions, using my inability to exercise as a nasty little excuse to stop being healthy.

As a person who is addicted to food, the notion of backsliding into old habits is terrifying. It can happen to anyone. We all know people who have been locked and loaded on their wellness, they’ve lost the weight, they’ve kept it off for a while, they are in the zone- and then, they gain it all back. Whether  public figures or our friends and family.  As I was flipping through the channels the other night, I came across one of winners of the Biggest Loser who gained all of her weight back. How does this happen? One sneaky little pound at a time.

In general, I choose to live my life in faith over fear. Fear is an emotion that we create and have control over. I WILL NOT live in fear of gaining my weight back. I will take control of my wellness- right now!

Starting today, I’m giving myself a mental reboot. I’m pressing Control-Alt- Delete and it’s going to restore my positive outlook and energy. It’s going to renew my belief in myself and my abilities. It’s going to restart my wellness journey right where I am. I’m writing my own program. I choose to erase all failure-related memories. I choose to override a defeatist attitude. I choose to delete my bad habits and restore my good ones- because I have the power to do so.

I am not the old heavy tired Tara. I will not be the old sad depressed Tara. There is no old Tara. She has been long gone. She has been replaced by a women who believes in herself, who will shake off any feelings of discouragement, who is future focused and positive, who knows that she will move beyond this and many other challenges. 

I’m pressing Control-Alt-Delete to begin again, won’t you join me?

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.   

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara