Something Amazing Awaits

The illness I have, trigeminal neuralgia, is a battle of the wills. I’ve faced and overcome a lot of serious challenges in my life, yet when I find myself being overtaken with pain so severe that death seems a welcome alternative, it’s sometimes hard to dig deep and stay the course. 

Hazel Grace, the main character (and one of my fictional heroines) in John Green’s book The Fault In Our Stars describes it best. “There was nothing they could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intracranial firecrackers that made me think that I was once and for all going, and I told myself- as I’ve told myself before- that the body shuts down when the pain gets too bad, that consciousness is temporary, that this will pass. But just like always, I didn’t slip away. I was left on the shore with waves washing over me, unable to drown.”

I know so many people who are suffering right now, from physical and emotional pain. Suffering heartaches and trauma, dealing with illnesses and loss that must be so overwhelming that much like Hazel Grace, they find it hard to fill their lungs and just breathe. One after another, those relentless waves of pain wrack their bodies, making it hard to come up for air. It’s during those moments that they question their existence, God’s existence. They long for just one moment of rest and peace.

This past week I suffered not one, but two severe neuralgia attacks. For the most part, my neuralgia is manageable, and on a pain level of 1-10 (10 being the highest) I can keep my pain to a 5 or less. However these attacks, they brought about pain levels of 100+. Pain that feels like the devil himself brought it on and hand delivered right to my head. Pain when all you can do is hold still and try to breathe through it, while silently praying to God for mercy. As I was lying there the one night, riding through the pain and waiting for the meds to take over, the news story came on about the tragedy and devastation of the Washington state mudslides. Amazingly, my whole perspective changed. Here were people who lost all or most of their families.  Lone survivors who lost children, spouses and parents that would somehow, day by day, do their best to move beyond the pain. And in that moment, I was simply grateful to be alive, to have been given the gift of another day.

For centuries, many including myself have asked the question where is the Almighty during our times of suffering? While I don’t proclaim to have THE answer, I have my answer. This week, I turned to many things for comfort, one of which was my bible. I re-read the book of Genesis and was provided with this. “And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.” – Genesis 9:12-15.

I don’t know about you, but whenever I see a rainbow, a sunrise or a sunset, I am struck by the sheer magnitude of creation. I am awed and humbled by those gifts of beauty that God places before us. I am overwhelmed by God’s promise of hope, the offering of life now and life everlasting. I am reminded that in our darkest times of despair, when we think that we simply cannot make it through another day, that the sun is always shining behind the clouds. There are days when we cannot feel its warmth and cannot see its light, but it is there, reaching for us, drawing us in.

Spring reminds me of this hope, a season of fresh starts and second chances. Just think about the courage and perseverance it takes for a seed to break through the hard, cold ground. In faith it presses upwards, before it can ever see the light, reaching, straining, longing, yearning for something that it cannot see, but knows is there. Working, trusting, believing that its time will come. And then it happens, in sheer determination it breaks through the surface, blooming in all of its glory, basking in the radiance of the sun that was always there, patiently waiting for its arrival. Illuminating a path so brilliant and so remarkable that it makes us question why we ever wondered if we’d make it through.

No matter what pain you’re facing right now- DO NOT give up. During this battle of the wills, this test of your every mettle, this seemingly never-ending trial, the ground is warming. You are being prepared for your time of glory. 

DO NOT give up before it’s your time to break through, something amazing awaits you.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Work in Progress

Sometimes, when leading a Weight Watchers meeting, I am amused by the looks that I get from new members. I can tell by their body language that they are giving me the once over and deciding whether or not I can be trusted. Even after I share with them that I’ve been a lifetime member since 1997 and have lost 40+ pounds, I can still see the doubt in their eyes. Some take a long time to win over and some move on to another class that suits them better.  It’s a tough sell to be at goal, standing in front of folks that desperately want to be well. I can see the looks on some of their faces that convey “yeah, this is easy for her to say, she’s already where she wants to be.”

Your message is heard, understood, and respected- because I’ve been in that seat.  It is my hope, when sharing my stories each week that those same folks begin to learn that I struggle just as much as they do. Just because I’m at goal, doesn’t mean I’ve reached some magical level of mastery. When it comes to any type of addiction, and mine just happens to be food, we are fooling ourselves if we think we’ve arrived.  While I may never be the master of my addiction, I am the master of my choices.

As I mentioned in my last post, the past few weeks have been a struggle for me. The scale is slowly creeping upwards, .2 here, .7 there, .5 here. Those small gains can add up if we don’t take swift action to reverse them.  I’m still amazed that after 17 years of establishing a mostly good wellness routine and practicing many behavior changes, I can fall off the wagon.  For me, one of the hardest parts of the weight loss and maintenance journey is knowing how to redirect myself when I’m stuck or begin to slip up.

My husband says I’m one of the most self-aware people he knows. He’s probably right. On occasion this is to my detriment as I can be a bit hard on myself.  Yet when it comes to losing and maintaining my weight, ongoing self-inspection has been a tool that continues to propel me forward.  When I’m stuck (as I am right now) I take a hard look at some of the things that might be getting in my way. And believe me honey, there are many behaviors that have blocked my road to wellness. Today I will focus on three:

1. All-or-nothing thinking- here’s how this works. We blow it. We eat something we shouldn’t have and now we’re peeved, disgusted, discouraged.  So we think “what the heck, I’ve already messed up. I might as well eat whatever I want for the rest of the day and I’ll start fresh tomorrow.”  And then we go on a gorge fest. Yet for some of us, tomorrow never comes and we let this thinking derail our entire week. We say things like “well, I have four events this week, there is no way I’ll be able to stay on track. I’ll start next week.” Yet for some of us, next week never comes because we’re entering a busy or stressful season.  So we start to rationalize “I’ll get started after my son’s baseball season or once my Mom gets better or after I finish my degree or when work slows down…because I just can’t deal with this right now.” And all of the sudden we find ourselves exactly where I did in 1996 when I stepped on that Weight Watchers scale wondering how I had gained 40+ pounds. How on earth did that happen?

I spent years as an all-or-nothing thinker because I was so overwhelmed with the task at hand. It wasn’t until I realized that I needed to tackle my wellness one day at a time, one change at a time, that I was able to begin to erase this thinking. Let's break it down even smaller. How about instead of taking it one day at a time, we take it one meal at a time? The best corrective action is immediate. If you eat something you shouldn’t have or more than you wanted to- start fresh with the next meal- that same day. If you missed a workout and now you’re berating yourself- take a few minutes to fit in a little bit of activity. A few minutes of activity is better than none at all.

Blaming- Oh man, I was famous for this one. Being overweight was everyone’s fault but my own. It was my grandmother’s fault because she used to put sugar on everything and now I need to put sugar on everything. It’s my family’s fault because we always had dessert after every meal and now I need to eat something sweet after every meal. I was an overweight child so I’m destined to be an overweight adult.  How about these? My husband brought home the cherry Pop Tarts so now I must eat them. My Aunt made me my favorite (high fat) meal; I can’t let her down by not eating it. My daughter wanted to go to McDonald’s, how could I say no? Or the ultimate crutch, it’s in my genes; many of my family members are heavy so I’m bound to be heavy too.

Blaming my genes was my all-time favorite. Dr. Amen writes in his book The Amen Solution: The Brain Healthy Way to Get Thinner, Smarter, Happier “…your genes are not your destiny…genes are not the whole story. It also has to do with how much you eat and other habits.”  To change our bodies, we need to not only change our behaviors, but take ownership of them.

I’m currently re-reading Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Dr. Amen. The portion of this book that covers blame was just the kick in the pants that I needed. In this book he states in part “Blaming others for your problems and taking no responsibility for your own successes and failures is toxic thinking…Whenever you begin a sentence with “It is your fault…” it ruins your life. These ANTS make you a victim. And when you are a victim, you are powerless to change your behavior.”  As I teach my kids (or try to when I think they might be listening), every action has a consequence. You are responsible for YOUR choices that will lead to YOUR actions that will result in YOUR consequences. Start taking personal responsibility for your behavior, right now.

Wearing Rose Colored Glasses- Life is so much prettier when it’s doused in pink. When it comes to regressing back to old behaviors, wearing rose colored glasses is an easy routine to slip back into. Sometimes I sit down after a Weight Watchers meeting with a member who is stuck or frustrated. During that one-on-one time, we walk through a (hopefully) valuable discussion about what took place over the past week. I try to identify areas that might be looking a little too rosy. One of these areas is simply paying attention to and being honest about what we’re eating. Often, when we’ve been at a wellness routine for a long period, we start to slack in the portion control department. We start to think “we’ve got this”, so we eyeball, we guesstimate, we stop reading labels. Slowly the number on the scale starts move up and we can’t figure out why.  I realize that over the past few weeks, this is one of the places where I’ve lost my focus. I stopped weighing and measuring my food and I was a selective tracker (meaning I didn’t write down the bad stuff). You can’t measure what you don’t track. It’s amazing how a ½ cup can quickly become a whole cup of food or how a bite here and a sip there can add up to mindless calories.

I don’t know about you, but if I don’t write down exactly what I’ve eaten at the time I eat it, I find it easier to fib a little. All of the sudden I start to “forget” about that extra Snickers bar or second helping and what’s even scarier is that I start to believe myself.  Looking at what I eat through a distorted lens is not doing me any favors. It can lead to a slow, but startling weight increase. Make the time to weigh and measure your food. Take the time to read the labels. Honestly write down everything you eat and drink each day.

I started this post as a way to get myself back on track. As I mentioned, the scale has started to creep back up and it is time to put a stop to it. It was helpful to take some time to examine where I might be falling short and I hope it helped you too.     

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage. 

And remember that you are a magnificent work in progress.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Be Intentional

Last week my husband and I both agreed to do a two week wellness challenge. You might be thinking, two weeks, really? Yes, two weeks. Sometimes long term goals can be completely overwhelming. I like to set short term goals that get me closer to my desired results. Once I complete this two week challenge, I will evaluate my progress, recalibrate and move forward.

There was nothing fancy about this challenge, the ground rules were simple. For two weeks we would:

• Eat well, staying at or under our Weight Watchers points ranges.
• Get moving, performing 30 minutes or more of daily activity. The only exercise excuse allowed was illness.
• Not bring any baked goods into the house (we had reverted back to some of our old ways).
• We also identified our trigger foods and agreed not to purchase them.

In addition, I added a mental wellness component:

• To take a minimum of 15 minutes each day for prayer, reflection or meditation.

This really got me asking the question "am I being intentional about how I spend my time?" Let’s say we’re awake for 16 hours a day (give or take).  If we factor in an 8 hour work day and a 2 hour commute (an hour each way), that leaves us with 6 hours. If we take away 3 hours to care for loved ones and tend to our many personal/household responsibilities, that leaves 3 hours of leisure time. Phew, that sounded way too much like a math problem, my head hurts. 

Often I hear people say that they cannot possibly find the time to work out or eat healthily. I used to believe the same, until I started to look at how I was spending my time. I realized that conservatively I was spending two hours a night watching TV. Sure, I work hard and that is well-deserved down time. Sometimes it feels good just to veg out. However, I came to realize that I have much more energy as well as much more of myself to offer to others if I spend some of that time taking care of me.  

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you will find a way to make it happen? 

For three years, I attended an accelerated degree program to get my bachelor’s degree. I worked in an office setting full time and had two younger kids with busy schedules. Somehow, I made it work, because I wanted to (and I can’t deny I had an awesome support system in my husband, friends and a flexible employer).

A little over a year ago, I decided to train to become a Weight Watchers leader. I led two classes a week on top of a full time job. Shortly thereafter my husband took a travel assignment and maintaining a life balance became a little more challenging for me. Yet I made it work because I wanted to and I got by with a little help from my friends.

Neither example is meant to toot my own horn. Every day I am in awe of people around me making life work in superhero fashion- going back to school, volunteering, working long days, taking care of elderly parents or sick children, working two jobs, helping others.  Whether you’re in these roles by choice or by default- please remember that you have the ability and the power to take control of your life.

What have you wanted to try that you can’t find the time for? What have you been meaning to do? Who have you thought about that you’d like to spend time with?

What can you sacrifice in your day or who can you ask for help to make it happen?

Dave Ramsey, as part of his Financial Peace University teachings, instructs that we have the power to tell our money where to go.

We also have the power to make the most of our time. While there may be seasons in our life where this might not be or might not seem possible; I believe that in all seasons, life presents us with choices.

Whatever your goal- getting healthier, trying something new, reaching out to someone, starting a second career, forgiving a hurt, going back to school- make the choice to do it, because you want to. Don’t let the choice overwhelm you. Write down your goal and break it into smaller more manageable steps. Pull your resources; you might be surprised to realize that there are people in your life that are ready and willing to help you, if only you’d ask.

You’ll be amazed at what you can and WILL accomplish.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage. Be intentional. 

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara