A Father's Love

If you’re looking for a weight loss or wellness inspiration, you might want to check out one of my previous posts. The fact that I’m writing at well after my bedtime tells me this one’s going to be a little bit different.

I’ve been kicking around a book idea. The story is a love triangle of sorts. It’s about seeking and not receiving love from a family member. It’s about receiving and not wanting love from a family member and ultimately it’s about knowing that the greatest love that I can ever need or want is from my heavenly father.

It’s been tough to write. I’ve stopped and started many times; mostly because some of it is just too darned painful and raw and some of it is fresh. Usually writing brings healing and clarity to me and this time it’s not, which tells me that I haven’t quite found my direction.

While part of my book will be about the complexity of broken family relationships and the need for healing, my intent is to share the hope God gives me now and how he found and repaired me as a lost little girl.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I went to live with my paternal grandparents. I lived with them until my grandmother died when I was in middle school and then I went to live with my Dad and Stepmother’s #1 then #2. In high school Stepmother #2 and I didn’t get along so well (that’s putting it lightly) so I went to live with my Aunt and Uncle. There's a whole lot of entertaining family drama in between there. 

As a little girl I often wondered what was wrong with me. I never quite felt like I fit in. I wondered why my Mom and Dad didn’t love me enough to want me to live with them. I felt rejected and alone. I wanted a “normal” family with a Mom and Dad and siblings. Even though I had a wonderful extended family who loved me to pieces, I felt like an outsider. Many times I thought it was surely because I was a bad little girl, and then one day I met Jesus.

I first met Jesus through the love and kindness of the women who worked and volunteered at the Marshallton United Methodist Church, women with great old fashioned names such as Honey, Alice and Florence.  These women hugged me to their chests and told me over and over again how much I was loved by this man named Jesus. I remember how excited I was to be dropped off at preschool or Sunday school. Today, almost forty years later, I can still feel the love that radiated out of those women and that place.

God found me there.

When I got dropped off, all of my troubles went away. I wasn’t a lost child looking for love, I was found. I wasn’t a confused child wondering what my future would bring, my worries were quieted. I wasn’t broken, I was whole.

There is absolutely no explanation as to how I remember exactly how I felt when I was less than five years old during that time and that to this day I can conjure up that feeling of wholeness, of stillness, of belonging. I guess it really is the peace that passes understanding.

I remember standing in the preschool room one day and it seemed as though the world stood still. We were learning the song “this little light of mine” and I was especially enjoying the hand motions that went along with the song. What can I say, I had a flair for the dramatic. I remember how it felt to blow out the pretend candle (my index finger), how that little breath of wind sailed out through my teeth.

Every time I blew out the candle, my heart swelled bigger and bigger. God’s love for me filled me up. I always left there feeling hopeful, almost giddy with his great love for me.  I would run out of the building, braids flying, knowing that I was loved, no matter what. And in that time of great complexity in my life, the simplicity and pureness of that love was enough.

That my friends is what I want to write about. How over and over again, in the lightest and darkest times in my life, God continues to pursue me. I see him in the beauty of a stained glass window. I feel him in the comfort of friend’s arms. I know him through the laughter of my children or the loving gaze of my husband. I hear his quiet whispers. I sense his urgency. I see him in the gifts of others. I feel him in the warmth of the sun. I know him through the pain in this life. I hear him reminding me to keep going. I sense his protection. I am overwhelmed by his grace and mercy.

After all of these years, I finally have finally come to realize that the love of my heavenly father is more than enough. It's a love story that I can't wait to share with you.  

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Holiday Ho-Ho-Ho’s

It’s only December 2^nd, and with a mere 23 days left until Christmas, I can already feel my stress levels rising. Is it me or is there simply not enough time in the day to get everything done? Getting everything done, ha! That’s almost as much of an oxymoron as work-life balance.  The reality is that we will not get everything done, and we need to be at peace with that. Instead of stressing about getting everything done, we need to take a deep breath and refocus our energy on what matters most.

When push comes to shove and we’re prioritizing our daily to do lists, does our health matter most? Does eating right, exercising, meditation/prayer/reflection become the very last items on your list that usually get task forwarded to tomorrow?

Over the years I have learned just how critical it is to take care of myself- my health depends on it. Everything I mentioned above, eating right, exercising, meditation/prayer/reflection- they are like medicine to me. Being well, both mentally and physically helps me to mediate my trigeminal neuralgia symptoms. So even though I need to work, take care of my kids, spouse, household duties, volunteer responsibilities, and the added holiday pressures of shopping, cooking, cleaning, visiting, hosting, decorating- I must still find a way to carve out wellness time just for me- and you do too! No, you don’t need to carve out time for me, but for y-o-u!

We’ve all heard the cliché “in the case of a flight emergency, you must put on your own oxygen mask before you help the person next to you.” We need to be able to breathe to maintain that hectic schedule of ours, or just like the plane, we’re going to crash and burn. Taking the time to be well boosts our immune systems (especially critical during cold and flu season), increases our energy levels and reduces the release of distress induced hormones such as cortisol and adrenalin.

So how do we not let the holiday ho-ho-ho’s ruin our wellness mo-jo?

1) Schedule in some wellness time. Treat your appointment with the gym, a meditation download or spiritual book as a non-negotiable appointment. There is no reason why we cannot take thirty minutes for ourselves, every single day. What we value is where we spend our time. Invest in yourself so that you can invest in others. To do this, you will have to embrace #2.

2) Learn to say no. This is the most difficult time of year to say that one little word. Everyone wants a piece of us. Already this week I have said no to two social events and I’m just fine with it. My friends and family know that I still love them and want to be with them.  No-one is going to want to hang out with me when I’m overextended, tired, sick or cranky. 

3) Take short cuts. I have dedicated full blog posts to this- I am a perfectionist. Everything I do has to be done just right and a certain way. Ain’t nobody got time for that! When my daughter was younger, she belonged to a certain gymnastics team. The team asserted that the baked goods for the meets must be home made. Hells- no no to the ho ho! I will not be made to feel less than because I had to buy baked goods, you got your baked goods and mine came from Giant- got it? Mission accomplished. OK, so this was many many years ago, in the words of Frozen, I’m letting it go. For some reason, especially during this holiday season, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others. Everything has to be done just so (I blame Martha Stewart). Do your best with what you have on hand and move to #4.

4) Delegate.  When in a supervisory role, I was an effective delegator. I realized that this was crucial to the success of my team and department. I needed to understand my and my team member’s strengths and weaknesses and delegate tasks out accordingly to achieve maximum productivity. At home, I am not the best at this. This goes back to the perfectionist gene- nobody does it quite like me. However, I have come to realize that I simply cannot do it all and stay well. I need to ask for help. Things might not get done the way I want them to, but they get done!

5) Plan and prepare. Usually when we’re overloaded, planning and preparation go out the window. I know that your weekends from now through the new year are most likely over scheduled and a blur. Is it feasible that you take a few hours from Saturday and Sunday to set yourself up for a successful week ahead? For me this means having a house stocked with healthy groceries and having a general idea of my meal plan for the week so that I can make a few meals ahead or at least prep them (with the help of my husband of course). I have also found that taking ten minutes each evening to map out the day I have ahead of me helps tremendously. I look at the next day and evening. Then I figure out how I’m going to manage to eat well, squeeze in some activity and prayer. Sometimes this leads to shuffling around events (if possible), delegating or even saying no.

When I lay my head down on my pillow at night and have my quiet time with God, it’s not often that I thank him for the gift of a painful neurological illness that can pop up whenever it so pleases and ruin my best laid plans. However I do thank him for my life and for the gift of another day and I do my best to make the most of it. For me this means looking for a positive in my illness. My neuralgia has forced me to live well, to want to be well, on the good and bad days.

Remember, God has given you the gift of life- take the time to slow down and handle it with care- it is precious cargo and the only one you've got. 

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara