Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Who I Want To Be

I was a classic cartoon junkie growing up- Tom and Jerry, Looney Tunes, Casper the Friendly Ghost, The Jetsons, The Flintstones, Yogi Bear, Mighty Mouse and of course Popeye. There was something so simple about Popeye, it seemed like he was cool with himself and he made no apologies when he said “I am what I am.” Yet when I re-read that statement it seems limiting to me, somewhat deflated and a little sad. No disrespect Popeye, you’re still da man in my book. My Pop-Pop used to tell me that if I ate spinach I would grow hair on my chest. Maybe that’s why I just started eating spinach, I was afraid…ha!

It’s really amazing how we carry past misconceptions about ourselves (and others) into our present life. I was watching Tony Robbin’s documentary I Am Not Your Guru on Netflix (if you haven’t watched it- do it) and Tony was talking about the fact that our earliest childhood memories can form who we are as adults. So I started to think about some of my earliest childhood memories. If you’ve read any of my posts, especially when I write for Grace and Such, you know that my childhood was and youth messed up. Yet all in all when I look back at growing up on R.D. (rural delivery) #4 Brandywine Drive I see a generally happy kid. Anyway…back to those memories. One of my earliest memories is my parents fighting in their first apartment- like yelling, screaming, throwing stuff fighting. I can’t pinpoint my age, I know that I was less than five because by that time my parents had divorced and I was living with my grandparents. It’s a little fuzzy to me what they were fighting about but I know that it centered around me. And I can say that from a very young age I became a good girl. Not to not make waves. To work hard. To get good grades. To be a rule follower. To not be a burden. To take care of myself. Because I felt like there was this underlying message that I was an inconvenience, so I needed to lay low.

I can see how I carried this into my adulthood and how in many ways it served me well. I developed a fabulous work ethic. I did well in school. I stayed out of trouble. I’ve worked my way up in a few workplaces. Yet I can also see how I let that mentality hold me back.

I need to admit to one of my current guilty viewing pleasures- Chloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body. Hey now, don’t judge. I have NEVER watching anything Kardashian. But I love how they go beyond the weight loss and into the psyche of the person they are training to see why they gained the weight in the first place. I remember one of the psychologists talking about the fact that people who were sexually abused tend to be overweight because of their lack of self-worth. I was sexually abused by a family member who is now in jail. I’ve been doing a lot of heart and soul work around my self-worth these past few years. If I go deep, I mean really, really deep I’d have to say that one of the reasons that I gained weight, especially in my 20’s was a defense mechanism so that men might not find me attractive. I was afraid of what the attention might lead to.  

Fast forward to today. I am 45 and in the best shape of my life (physically, emotionally and spiritually) in part because I have surrounded myself with a group of people who remind me that I’m worthy. I’m worthy of the work and of the discipline it takes to make consistent healthy choices to take the best care of me- mind, body and spirit. I also surround myself with people who remind me that I am a child of God. I am His beloved. He loves me for me. I don’t have to earn God’s love, He just loves me. Do you know how much that knowledge heals the broken child within me who always felt she had to earn love and that she was never quite good enough?


I could write page upon page about the tension that exists between accepting who you are yet having the ability to move beyond who you were. While we do carry many childhood behaviors, self-beliefs and misconceptions into our adulthood- we have the power within us to be someone different. We have the power to choose. When we believe what others think or say about us, we give the power to them. When we believe that the past has defined us and that it’s not possible to change, we are handcuffing ourselves to our limits. I have come to learn that while there are times that I cannot control the outcome, I can control my attitude and my actions. And instead of Popeye’s saying of “I am what I am” my mantra is “I am who I want to be” and I accept who God made me to be. With the help of my faith, friends and family I will continue down this path of growth. Here are some resources I’ve used on my journey:
  • Sometimes you need professional help. It’s not a weakness it’s a strength to ask for it. A few years back I went to Life Counseling Services in Paoli, it released me from some very heavy burdens that I carried my whole life. I still use the coping mechanisms that they taught me. Those sessions were forever valuable and are ingrained in my heart and mind.  
http://www.lifecounseling.org/office-locations/
  • Podcasts and audio books. I love to listen to them in my car or while I’m working out. To be lifted up, we have to surround ourselves with uplifting words and images. These are just a few:
The Chalene Show- Podcast, The Best You (Josh Coats)- Podcast, Pastor Rick’s Daily Hope- Podcast, Joyce Meyers Ministries TV-Podcast, Love Does- Audiobook, Rising Strong- Audiobook, The Universe Has Your Back- Audiobook, 100 Ways to Simplify Your Life- Audiobook.
  • Get your physical health in gear. Find a Team Beachbody Coach. If you follow my blog at all you know how much Beachbody has changed my life. Put good fuel in your body and get it moving- you will be rewarded with a sense of clarity, energy and empowerment that might be missing from your life. And if Beachbody’s not the right plan for you, find one that works. We only get one body. Are you doing what you need to do to take care of it?
http://www.beachbodycoach.com/TeamIgnite/

Lastly, find your tribe. Those who will lift you up and carry you when you just can’t. Those who believe in you when you don’t. Beyond my friends and family, and Team Beachbody I am blessed by my church community. 


The first step to becoming who you want to be is believing that you are worth it.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  
Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Saturday, March 11, 2017

The Rabbit Hole

I have been a real pisser over the past few days. To my husband who I know is reading this, thanks for loving me anyway. It started earlier in the week. We have contractors here finishing the basement and I’m so excited to see the finished product! What I didn’t realized is how much the noise from the tools would trigger my trigeminal neuralgia- this week has brought pain and pain and more pain. I started to get angry and have a little pity party for myself. What kind of life is this? I can’t even be in my own home because noise equals pain. But I can’t go outside and work somewhere else either because cold equals pain. And so it went, my negative thoughts took me deeper and deeper down a mental funk rabbit hole until the light seemed so far away.


Yet this time around the rabbit hole looked and felt different to me. It wasn’t as closed in because I left room in there for people to find me. It wasn’t as deep because I could still see the light. So why was it different this time? 

My Beachbody Family. This week I struggled to make good choices because I wasn’t feeling well and I usually soothe with food. However my Beachbody family kept me going. The love and support that I receive from my coach and my challengers and people that I’m just meeting in challenge groups, it makes me want to be a better me. On those days when I didn’t want to push through, I did. I kept my body moving and pushed play because I know, I KNOW how good exercise is for me physically and mentally. And while I wasn’t perfect with my eating I know, I KNOW how good it feels to remain in control of my choices event when I don’t feel well.

Personal Development. Last night was the low point to my week. My neuralgia got really bad and I had to rest and take prescription meds. Because the outside temperatures were going to be brutal cold today (Saturday) I had to move my daughter’s wedding dress fitting and cancel dinner with my daughter and her fiancĂ©. So besides the physical pain, that left me feeling glum. That glum feeling led to my overeating but at one point in the evening I stopped myself and asked- what can I do to self soothe besides eat? I remembered one of my fellow coaches posting about the Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix- I am not your guru. If you have not watched this. Do it. This weekend. The healing energy from that documentary went deep down into my soul. I’ll be doing a blog post about it, stay tuned.

It is crazy how God (or the universe or whatever you believe in) strings moments of hope and encouragement together just when we need it most.

My Beachbody Family. This morning I woke up to some really encouraging messages from my Beachbody challengers. One challenger posted that she’s gone from loose fitting size 18 work pants to a comfortable size 14; she’s in the middle of her second round of the 21 Day Fix. Seeing other people light up, that lights me up too. I received a phone call from one of my challengers just to say that she appreciated my welcome card/gift that I sent her in the mail. A phone call, I mean who calls anyone anymore? How wonderful is that? I get so much joy from helpings other succeed. So.much.joy.

My family. I could write paragraph upon paragraph about my husband of 22 years and how amazing and understanding he is about my illness. He cares for me and our kids beyond measure. He is one of the most giving and selfless men I know. He gives and he never complains, ever. My love for him grows every single day.

This morning I woke up to a text message from my daughter. It was her singing and playing guitar to Made New by the Jordan Howerton band. She could have been agitated that I had to cancel on her today, instead she blessed me with a song. 

All the pour in spirit, mourning weary ones.
There is a savior who has come.
So rest and know the promise of his love.
Take heart and know you’re not alone.
Through his death and resurrection we are not who we’ve been.
We are made new again.

Here’s a link to her singing: https://youtu.be/WMc_7xe8vrU

My God. Man oh man did I need those song lyrics this morning. God’s unconditional love is like a healing balm to my soul. He’s the light at the end of my rabbit hole, guiding me back by putting people and events in my life that show me that everything is going to be OK.

It’s not the big leaps that get you out of the rabbit hole, it’s recognizing hope in the everyday moments of your life. It’s knowing that you are loved just the way you are. It’s accepting help when you don’t want to ask for it. It’s having the faith that one day things be better. It’s resting when you are weary and working your a$$ of when you’re not.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  
Hugs and friendship,

Tara