It's OK To Not Be OK

There are moments, seasons, phases of life when it's OK to not be OK. Contrary to many of the pretty, shiny and often fake social media posts...there are times when you just might not have your shit together- and that's OK.

This past weekend, I met up with one of my besties for lunch. She asked me a simple question "but really, how are you doing?" I knew what she was asking, she knew that I wasn't doing that fab and she was giving me the opportunity to talk about it. And so I replied "meh" and then I rambled on a bit and got totally off topic to what I really wanted to talk about. Not because I don't trust my bestie to share my heart (bestie if you're reading this, I love you), but because I wasn't ready to say out loud what I've been feeling for a few months now- I'm not OK.

Last night at my REFIT class during our post-workout discussion, I got a little emotional. I couldn't get out of class soon enough (REFIT ladies if you're reading this, I love you) because I knew that an ugly cry was about to commence. When I got home, I said to my husband "we need to talk" and so it all came out along with some tears. An aside, my husband has been my best friend since I was 17 and knows me like no other. He is a patient listener and in general a saint for putting up with me. Husband, if you're reading this, I love you.

I started in with "I'm not sure I'm OK"...

Have you ever gone through a time in your life when things seem a bit off? That's where I'm at. Not necessarily depressed or anxious (I've been down that road before), but lost and restless. As I've blogged about before, it's been a year of change and while I don't think this is a mid-life crisis (gasp I am at mid-life), I've lost my way a bit. I've lost my focus and dare I type this, my purpose. Not my purpose for life so don't get all freaked out and worried about me if you're reading this but that statement will hopefully make more sense as I go on.

As my "kids" are now 25 and 19, I'm not really needed much in the parenting department anymore. Well, I'm needed, but not in that day to day grind. So last summer to fill that void I became a certified fitness instructor. It was great to learn something new and to challenge myself. It kept me mentally and physically busy. I launched a class at my church and things were humming along. And then, injury. Little did I know it (it took almost 8 months to get the proper diagnosis) but I have a herniated disc in my neck. And while I don't want to ramble on and on about it, the disc is sitting very close to my trigeminal nerve and it has flared up my trigeminal neuralgia (think child birth lightening bolt pains in the head) something fierce. So I had to stop leading class and my mobility is limited. As I was hashing this out with my husband last night, I came to the conclusion that 2 of the main things I use as coping mechanisms for my illness I cannot do because of my herniated disc. I can't exercise much (not what I usually do to heal and relieve stress) and I can't do DIY/art work which also keeps me occupied and content. Many times my neurologist has recommended counseling to deal with my illness, because it can be a real pisser. Until now I have found other positive ways to deal with it. And God has blessed me with some serious mental fortitude. But this herniated disc has emphasized just how much my illness takes from me (and my family and friends), so I'm considering the counseling.

I could blog (and I have before) about focusing on the things I can do, as I firmly believe in the power of taking control of your thoughts and actions. I could talk about how my life is truly abundant, and it is, and about how I should be grateful. But what I really want to write about is that feeling of not being OK. I don't like it. Feeling "meh" or "blah", that sense of complacency. Because I am a go getter. I like to be driving toward a goal. I'm extremely impatient. I don't do well with stillness. I'm not a dweller. Yet here I am like a toddler in a dirty diaper, sitting in it. And it's downright uncomfortable. I do believe that for a moment, a season, a phase of life, it's OK to sit in it. Sometimes it's necessary. To acknowledge, to feel, to accept that our feelings are true. That what we feel is real. To cry, lament, scream, beat our chest. Yes, life could be worse and yes, life could be better but this is how life is feeling in this moment, Fortunately I know it won't be forever.

You may be sitting in it right now. A marriage on the rocks. An issue with your child. Job loss. Death. Addiction. Illness. Injury. Change. A life transition. And it sucks. And some well meaning people are going to give you all kinds of platitudes. But sometimes we want to hear that it's OK to not be OK. In this moment, in this season, in this phase of life, it's not OK, but it will be.

I've had this song in my head all day- Exhale by Plumb.

It's okay to not be okay.
This is a safe place.
This is a safe place.
Don't be afraid.
Don't be ashamed.
There's still hope here.
There's still hope here.

No matter what you've done or who you are.
Everyone is welcome His arms.

Just let go let His love wrap around you.
And hold you close.
Get lost in the surrender.
Breathe it in until your heart breaks.
Then exhale.
Exhale.

Breathe it in and exhale my friend. No matter what you're facing, let God's love wrap around your heart. As I type this I'm exhaling because I know that God's got me. It fills me with a sense of peace. He has lead me to this very place. As uncomfortable and lost as I feel, I know that this time in my life is for my good, my growth and His glory. And so I welcome it, gratefully broken.

Hugs and friendship,
Tara

PS- If it's been a good while and you're still not OK, it may be time to get some help. Seek wise counsel, from a friend, a family member or professional. You are not alone and you don't have to go through it alone.

Changing my Weigh

A little over 2 months ago, I was tossing around the decision to try Beachbody's new nutrition program the 2B Mindset. My biggest challenges to overcome were:

Facing the scale on a regular basis
Veggies Most
Believing that I could lose weight without exercise

As I was seeing some awesomesauce results coming in from my Beachbody friends, I cast my doubts aside and decided to give it a whirl.

After month 1, I wrote this post about my love/hate/hate/hate/hate (did I mention hate) relationship with the scale and how my mindset was starting to shift.

http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2018/05/lost-my-weigh_10.html

As I just closed out month 2, I thought I'd share my continuing shift in mindset.

Facing the scale on a regular basis
It seems like a bit of an oxymoron, but facing the scale on a more frequent basis has released me from the bondage I've felt to the scale my entire life. Fear of the scale was literally weighing me down. My weekly weigh ins used to cause anxiety and stress. What the scale showed could ruin my entire day. Blah! Life is stressful enough, know what I mean? One of the premises of the 2B Mindset is to weigh in every day. The reason behind this is to simply view the scale as a tool to help you to assess your journey and recalibrate your choices as needed. I was super duper afraid of this premise because as a recovering perfectionist, this could seriously mess with my mind. I was fearful that I could become obsessed with it. But as it turns out, the more frequently I weigh in, the less afraid I am. And let me emphasize, this is not because I'm having rockstar weight loss weeks every single week- I'm certainly not. I have fluctuated between the same 2 numbers, I have lost and I have gained. I am not weighing daily but I am weighing in 3 times a week. Monday so I can see how I did over the weekend and I can break the mindset of "eating whatever I want" on the weekend and "getting back on track" during the week. Wednesday as a mid week check in. Friday as a reminder to not go ape shit crazy with my eating over the weekend. This pattern is working for me. It may not work for you. Maybe every day works for you. Maybe once a week works for you. But here's the deal and my biggest revelation- the scale doesn't lie. Of course our bodies will fluctuate due to hormones, water weight, strength training and so forth. But all in all, the scale is a tool that reflects our efforts- the good, the bad and the ugly and I'm OK with that. I know full well that when I weigh in and have a gain, that I will look at my tracker and see that I've been making crappy choices.

Veggies Most
Due to my absolute hatred of veggies, I should probably dedicate a whole post to this topic. But let me break it down for you. If I can try and eat new veggies, anyone can. Before the 2B Mindset my veggies were starches- peas, corn, potatoes (and oh I did like green beans). I set a goal to try 2 new veggies a week. I must admit I got "all veggied out" by the end of month 1, but I did it. And lo and behold I found a few new veggies that I like. Roasted/grilled peppers, onions, carrots. Sautéed snow and snap peas. And the biggest shocker, cauliflower rice. As a matter of fact I've got Asian chicken in the crockpot and I'm serving it over cauliflower rice tonight for dinner. My biggest veggie issue is texture. So I keep trying different ways to cut and cook veggies and I'm hiding more and more veggies in my recipes like spinach in my lasagna rolls and cauliflower rice in my stuffed pepper skillet instead of brown rice. My 2nd biggest veggie issue is appearance. Broccoli is a no go as it looks like little trees. Snap peas look like caterpillar cocoons (I got over this one). Zoodles look like worms and I've tried zucchini every which way but it's still a no go. I know, I need counseling. The bottom line is that I did find some go to veggies, I'll continue to try more and my health is all the better for it. Coming from the woman who is a veggie detective and used to pick them out of everything, including getting the chunks of tomatoes out of chili- change is possible. Full disclosure, I am still not eating veggies most, but I am eating veggies more. Progress, not perfection.

Believing that I could lose weight without exercise
Once again, I need to write an entire post on this. I have used exercise to compensate for "treats" my entire adult life. If I had a donut, I'd do a Core de Force kickboxing workout and burn off the 500 calories. The 2B Mindset promised weight loss without exercise. It was challenging to wrap my mind around this yet I know for sure this is possible and true. Abs start in the kitchen. I know that nutrition is everything and exercise is a bonus. Yet I have fought against this because...well...I love sweets...and food...and to eat...Yet as I went into month 1 of the 2B Mindset, I also had a herniated disc in my neck and I could not exercise. In the past I would have just waited until I could exercise to start a new program. But I went for it and guess what? You can lose weight without exercise. I'll be darned, the scale went down!

So that's my report at the end of month 2. The knowledge I've gained about nutrition on this program is more than I learned in my 20 years of being a Weight Watcher (disclaimer I still love Weight Watchers, it works). The 2B Mindset has truly shifted the way I eat and how I view food. It's a comfort to know that I'm not "on a diet" I am just living my best life. I am choosing foods that will fuel my body and leave me feeling satisfied. I have dropped the "woes me I can't have this" deprivation mindset. I am having treats. Food freedom means being able to find a way to eat better for the rest of my life and treating my body with respect and care, while enjoying myself along the way.

Hugs and friendship,
Tara