At 21, I found myself thrust into motherhood. After becoming
pregnant at the end of my sophomore year of college, I dropped out and moved
home to try and figure things out. My husband (now of 23 years) still had a
year of college to complete. So there I was, searching for a job with benefits
and decent pay with absolutely no skills but working as a cashier at Acme
Markets. It was humbling and it shattered my confidence. My career dreams put
on hold, I took an entry level opening at a bank. The pay was so meager that
with my husband working part time and being a full time student, we were broke.
We abandoned our pride and signed up for government subsidized daycare,
health care and WIC. Love doesn’t pay the bills.
I was in such an in between place. My college
friends were still in college and although they were sweet I felt jealous that they were free to finish their studies while I was
muddling through motherhood. Like seriously muddling. I struggled with finding where I fit in. My workplace friends were older and I had trouble connecting. Not
because of them but really because I felt like I was an actress in a play going
through the motions of being a Mom and a grown up worker.
It was also during that time that my Pop-Pop passed away. I
lived with my Pop-Pop for many years growing up and he was (and still is) one
of the most treasured people to me in the world. His passing left a huge whole
in my heart and overwhelmed me with sadness.
And if that loss wasn’t enough, I decided it was time to
confront my sexual abuser because I didn’t want him around my daughter. I had
to find enough brave to face some deep family truths. This confrontation tore apart
some of my closest relationships. Including the woman who was like a Mom to me
(my Mom passed when I was young). This confrontation was met with disbelief. I
felt betrayed, sad and alone. Side note-
he is now in prison. But that’s a longer story.
I filled these holes of grief, shame, loss and pain with
food. Looking back I was definitely going through a depression and should have
sought help. I am thankful that my husband (who is my Jack Pearson if you watch
This Is Us) stuck by my side.
All of these experiences became limiting beliefs that I
carried into my adulthood. Even though I’m an achiever and perfectionist
(I like to call it striving for excellence), there was a time when I just didn’t think I was
good enough. I doubted myself constantly. I never felt like I measured up. Even
after I went back to college to get my degree or bettered myself through
certifications, I didn’t feel worthy. While I now consider myself an extroverted
introvert, back then I just wanted to fade into the background. I didn’t want
to be noticed. I was a withering flower dying for some light and water.
Enter God. At 28, my husband and I went back to church. We
spent a year looking for “the right church” and finally found “the one”. The first time I sat in our church (I went by myself
because my husband had grown tired of looking with me), silent tears rolled down my
face. The worship spoke to me. I was home. I was loved. I was worthy. I was
enough. I was forgiven. My life was redeemed. I was restored. Little by little
God healed my hurts and closed my past wounds. Sure they open up from time to
time, but that’s what comes with having current relationships from those who
have hurt us in the past. Those scars don’t have to define us, but they are
little pieces of who we are.
Year by year I started to bloom. My stem stood taller. My
petals brightened. I kept my face to the Son. He gently warmed my soul and grew
me from the inside out to who I am today. Disclaimer: I also went to counseling and did a ton of heart and soul work. A ton. Still am. 
At 46, I love my life. I’m married to my one true love. My kids (now young adults) are my everything and are turning out to be some pretty darned amazing people. I’ve finally found my way to a career that uses my talents. My friendships are deeper. I have an extended family that I treasure. My dreams are bigger. I’ve become a risk taker. I finally conquered my weight (losing and maintaining 40 pounds let's hope for good this time). Over the past few years I’ve been a Weight Watchers Leader and Beachbody Coach. Last year I decided to certify as a fitness instructor. I now lead a REFIT® class at my church, blending my love of faith and fitness. Life feels really good right now. On most days I feel like a badass. And it’s not because my life is perfect. Those of you that know me or have read my blog know that I have faced my share of struggles, including a serious chronic illness that has no cure.
My life is full because my heart is filled with God.
And when I start to doubt. Enter God. And when I start to
worry. Enter God. And when I feel like that broken girl in her twenties. Enter
God. And when I lose some of my petals. Enter God. He grows me right where I’m
planted. I couldn’t have bloomed into me without Him.
Hugs and friendship,
Tara
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