The Experiment

A friend of mine once said to me that when her mother passed away, she wished she could wear some sort of badge, informing people of this event. Because it hurts so badly, and we walk around appearing perfectly fine on the outside, yet on the inside we’re falling apart, just trying to get through the day, facing this new reality. 

For many years, this is what it’s felt like to live with chronic and severe facial pain. I remember so clearly a day in August, twelve years ago. I went to church that day even though I was in extreme pain. I sat crying quietly during the worship, tears streaming down my face, because I wanted to sing, yet I couldn’t open my jaw wide enough. I remember the first time I went to meet my neurologist, absolutely beside myself, telling him that I just wanted to be able to smile again. I sobbed in his office for the loss of who I was. I was a joy-filled person, yet some days, it was painful even to smile.  Years of pain, and the fear of new pain, took an emotional toll. In many areas of my life, I retreated.  

I self- protected and isolated.  I longed for a badge that would let people know how badly I was hurting.  

Fast forward to today. As I’ve shared before, thanks to acupuncture, prayer/meditation, healthy eating, exercise, and anti-seizure medication, my illness has been mostly controlled.

A little over two years ago, I began an experiment. The better I felt, the more I experimented. For every pain free day, I gave life my very best. I felt (and still feel) that God has richly blessed me and when I’m well, I don’t want to waste a single day. And so, with the help of others, I started to rehab my life.

I got healthy.

I went back to Weight Watchers and got back to my goal weight. I haven’t been this physically fit in 10 years.

I put myself out there.

I started a new job. Nate and I joined a Bible Study group. I opened myself to new friendships.  

I leaped out of my comfort zone.

Last summer, my family and I went to Guatemala to build a home for a family in need. This was a big leap of faith for me. Yet I chose (and still choose) faith over fear. I could have feared the many pain triggers that waited for me in Guatemala. Unknown temperatures, cultural differences, long work days, job site noise/vibrations, trying new skills, plane flights, sun exposure. I could have stayed home. Yet I went, and it was the best trip of my life.

I jumped.

When we came home from Guatemala, I felt encouraged to continue my experiment. I felt like God had given me gifts and passions I wasn’t sharing and while I was feeling well, I wanted to share them. So I became a Weight Watchers leader. Due to my absolute fear of public speaking, this might have been a greater risk than going to Guatemala. No…seriously. Yet here I am, leading classes and loving every single interaction I have with others who share in the desire to change their lives.

I stumbled.

Last Wednesday through Saturday, I had one of the worst neuralgia pain attacks I’ve ever had. It landed me in bed for days and turned my world upside-down.  It was like someone shooting a gun in my head over and over again, every few seconds. Relentless, punishing pain. Pain where you don’t dare move your head for fear of triggering more pain. Pain where all you can do is lay in bed and silently cry, begging God for mercy. Yet crying triggers more pain. Pain where you wish for death, because death brings relief. Excruciating, irrational, thrashing pain.

I self- protected and isolated.  I rested, medicated, slept and prayed. And finally, a week later, the pain is gone.  

And so I find myself again, at a crossroad between faith and fear. Feeling like someone who has been beaten and is learning how to trust again. Knowing deep down that faith is an open hand not a clenched fist.  Knowing that I just need to reach out and grab it. Knowing that it’s mine for the taking.  Knowing that with faith I can continue this experiment called life.  

I choose faith. Because God chose me.

Last week, I randomly opened the bible to Psalm 139 verse 13. For you created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. And on that same day, Psalm 139 verse 13 was my You Version bible verse of the day.

God chose me. He’s got my back. He is good. Life is good. Enough said.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Stormy Weather

One of my most favorite parts of being a Weight Watchers leader is getting to know people and hearing their stories. Every week, I am reminded of the power of the human spirit- to survive AND to conquer.  I admire and respect the men and women who walk through the doors every week to face the scale, because it’s so much more than that. They are facing their fears, insecurities, gremlins. Every week, they take a risk, just by showing up.  They risk potential failure. To some, not losing after a week of hard work means they didn’t quite stand up to the task at hand.  Facing the scale, week after week can be a very trying experience. Their courage and endurance amazes me.  And as I say over and over again to my members, no matter what the scale says, the most important thing you can do is to never EVER give up on your journey.

The second piece of advice I give to my members (and myself) is to understand that this is NOT meant to be a perfect journey. It can’t and won’t be.  

Too many times I see members that join with the expectation of the arrow on the left, perfect weight loss. I’m going to work hard, really hard, and the weight is going to drop off. I am in the zone. Nothing and no one is going to stop me. I’m a weight loss rock star. I know this. I’ve got this. Watch me rock this program.  I’ll take a member (friend, family member) with a positive attitude any day of the week.  My concern with this approach is--- what will happen when stormy weather rolls around?

Reality is messy. We are not trying to take control of our weight in a utopian environment.  Every day, life sticks it to us. From the minor stressors like traffic, waiting in line at the grocery store, an incorrect electric bill; to the biggies like illness, strained relationships, divorce, extended families and death.

Life is demanding. We’re over- scheduled. At work we think of everything we need to accomplish at home. At home we think about everything we need to accomplish at work. And just when we believe we have it under control, another layer of complication is added.

Our bodies are complicated. Emotionally and physiologically we’re all wired a little bit differently. The way we act and react to the stressors and demands above differ from person to person. People view storms in different ways. One of my best friends LOVES thunderstorms, she sits outside on her front porch, pulls up a chair and enjoys mother natures’ show. Me? I’m absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. If one comes around when I’m trying to sleep, I put sheets over the windows so I don’t have to see any of the lightening. Yep, that’s what I do.  True story.

Weight Watchers (or any balanced wellness program) helps us to weather life’s storms.  It teaches us to change the way we look at things. Instead of covering the window with sheets, it encourages us to face the storm head on.

Having a balanced approach to wellness helps us to bridge the gap between expectations and reality. It shows us that we can succeed in spite of our circumstances, and sometimes in spite of ourselves.

It helps us to understand that some weeks we will lose, some weeks we will gain, some weeks we will maintain--- but ultimately, armed with the right tools and attitude, we WILL reach our goal!

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Limitless Part III

It’s a beautiful evening at the Babe Ruth field, a crisp, clear night. I sit in the shadows, bundled up in layers.  What some take for granted, I cherish; the ability to watch my son play baseball.  To most, the weather is perfect. But me, I watch the temperature slowly drop as the sun sets. Once the temperature hits the low 60’s I will need to move inside.

Thanks to my trigmenal/atypical facial neuralgia, this is my normal. If I stay outside for too long in the cold, I’m a goner. The cold is my biggest pain trigger and it can result in many different types of pain. The right hand side of my face can turn to pins and needles and feel like I just had a bunch of Novocain shots. I can have shooting pains in my right eye or in teeth. I might get tapping pains on the top of my head, like someone is repeatedly poking me. Or the very worst- excruciating pain, like my head is being squeezed in a vice, or lightning bolt type pains that run down the back of my neck. The severe pains can put me down and out for a day or two, even with medication.  

So I pack up my stuff and head for my car. I try my best to ignore the seemingly judgmental stares from the other parents as I leave mid-game. Some families that I’m close to know why I have to leave and the rest…I’m guessing they just speculate as to why I can only make a handful of the games.

I pull around to the other side of the baseball field to get the best vantage point I can to watch the rest of the game from my car. The view is marginal at best.

For a brief moment I feel sad and angry that I’m different. That I can’t be sitting in the stands with the other parents, seeing the plays up close, rooting on my boy. It hurts to be apart from the crowd. I wonder if my son understands? Most times I don’t understand this illness myself.

I breathe and I release the pain…because this is my life.  

I settle into my car, keeping it running for a while to warm things up; keeping the window rolled down so I can hear the announcer.

I relax, accepting the moment for what it is. Because I can only see a portion of the field, I let my ears do the talking. I listen for the crack of the ball against the bat. I hear the boys teasing laughter and camaraderie.  The coach’s instructions loom in the air. I listen for the thud of the ball as it’s cradled by the catcher- thunk! I hear the parents shouting encouragement as the kids round the bases during a fantastic play.

I breathe and I adjust my point of view…because this is my life.

As I’m sitting there, I think about the book I’m reading by Kathy Gilbert Taylor, With Great Mercy. She too suffered from trigeminal neuralgia and writes about the testing and growth of her faith during her journey. What really stood out to me from her message is the need for us to be able experience joy in between pain.  When those joyful moments present themselves, both big and small, we need to reach out and grab them, and clutch them tight to our hearts. These moments are gifts from God. They are meant to sustain us during times of pain.  We just need to be still and patient enough to find them.

As the game winds down, so does my anger, it’s gone. I look up and am reminded of the beauty that surrounds me.  I watch the wind move fluidly and silently across the American flag at the ball field. What a glorious and beautiful sight. I let God’s grace move fluidly and silently over me.

I breathe…and I give thanks…because this is my life.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Begin Again

Two years ago, on a cold blustery March day, I opened up my laptop and started writing. I guess it’s kind of like having teen angst and jotting everything down in a journal except I’m not a teenager (thank the good Lord) and teens don't typically use the word jot. 

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and boy was I desperate.  I was stuck and frustrated. I could not get the scale to move in my favor. I had gained back over half of the weight I had lost and maintained for such a long time. I was ashamed.

There I was, a Lifetime member of Weight Watchers since 1997, looking in the mirror and the eyes that looked back at me were filled with self- loathing.  How could I have let this happen? When did it happen? Why did it happen? I knew what to do. I knew how to be successful on the program.  For many years I was dialed-in, laser-focused on my goals. And then…life happened.

Oh, I could blame this, that or some other thing. I could say I gained weight because of a stressful job transition. Or because I was working and going to school full time while trying to be a wife, Mom, friend---you get the picture. I could say I gained weight because I was battling a chronic and painful illness.

The reality is that I gained weight because of all of those things, in combination with the fact that:

I’m human.

I make mistakes.

I love to eat.

Plus many, many, MANY other simple AND complex reasons.

On March 26, 2011, I wrote my first blog post. I decided to publicly share my words with anyone who would read them to hold myself accountable during my wellness journey.  And I must say, it’s both humbling and gratifying to be able to see my progress, not just the physical changes, but the emotional changes I’ve gone through.

Fast forward to today, and I’m proud to say I’m not only at goal, I’m 8 pounds below my goal.

And the best part? As a Weight Watchers leader, I now have the privilege of helping others reach their goals.

Often times, I meet people who are at the exact same spot I was at two years ago. Sometimes, it seems like they are looking to me for a magical answer to their road back to wellness.  The best advice I can give is this- DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

This advice isn’t meant to be trite or cliché. It’s a heart-felt plea to keep on keepin’ on. If I could take their hand and look into their eyes I would say with all sincerity- please do not stop now. I will meet you wherever you are in your journey and will do whatever it takes to help you succeed.

Tired and broken. Lost and weary. Frustrated and scared. I’ve been there. Angry and self-deprecating. On the brink of giving up. I’ve been there. Exasperated beyond belief. I’ve been there. 

Your Weight Watchers leaders and peers can help you because not only have they been there, they are now here. And being here, at goal, feels so darned amazing.  

Being here means we didn’t give up on ourselves. Being here means knowing we are worth the work. It means that we are living our best lives. Being here means we did not stop.

Being here has led to joy, increased energy, a willingness to take risks, laughter, confidence, self-forgiveness, the courage to try new things, contentment and pride. 

Being here means NEVER forgetting that I was there.

And sometimes, being here means knowing how to begin again.   

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

When the Cookie Crumbles

Well, I haven’t posted for a few weeks and it seems like ages. I sure have missed writing about my random adventures. Life’s been a bit more chaotic than usual and I’ve been just holding on for dear life. Ok, that might be a little a lot dramatic. Things haven’t been THAT bad, but I do feel like I’ve been strapped into a Tilt-A-Whirl, a little disoriented, disheveled and uneasy.  And without sounding like a bad country song, let’s just say things have been extra stressful. I won’t bore you with the details…

What happens when the cookie crumbles? Or life gives you lemons? Or whatever other cliché for “life sucks right now” we want to <insert here>.  I don’t know about you, but when the cookie crumbles, I pick the crumbs up off the floor and eat them.  They’re still dee-lish!

But seriously, I’ve learned so much the past few weeks about how far I’ve come with my wellness skills, especially my number one biggie- stress eating. I have written about this before, I’ve been stress eating since I was in elementary school.  Food has always been my healing balm and saving grace, but I don’t need it anymore.  I’m not saying I’m cured. I am saying that I’m new and improved.

If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to turn to food this past month for comfort, I’d be building a nice little savings account. It has been really crazy, almost an out of body experience, to feel myself turning to food and walking away. Countless times each day, especially because I work from home, I’ve walked to the pantry or refrigerator to grab something “not so good for me”.  While sometimes I didn’t make a wise choice, most times I did, and that’s what counts.

I continually revisit non-scale victories with my Weight Watchers (WW) classes because it’s these non-scale victories that lead to scale victories and long term weight loss maintenance.  This week at WW, we’re talking about behavior. It’s that whole chicken-egg scenario- do you change your mind to change your behavior or do you change your behavior to change your mind? Both.

What’s important to remember is that just changing your mind isn’t enough. As I’ve posted before, willpower is overrated. If we could all think ourselves thin, we’d be at goal already.

It’s much MUCH more complicated than that. If we factor in the complexity of the human brain, body and emotions-how we’re wired and designed; along with outside factors such as our environments and relationship dynamics- where we work and live and with whom; we might just get to the root cause of why we do the things we do.

The reason I was able to a) walk away from food temptations and b) eat better foods when I wanted unhealthier versions and c) allow myself to enjoy but not over indulge--- these past few weeks is because I’ve learned (and relearned) through WW some really clutch behaviors and skills that help me to stay on track, even when I am my own worst enemy.

It’s not that I’m super strong or powerful, it’s that finally, after all these years, I am not doing the Weight Watchers program, I am living it. It’s simply become a part of who I am. So that even on the most stress-filled days, I am armed and ready for the fight and am in a position to win.

So even when life hands me lemons, I’ll plug them into my WW recipe builder and find a way to make them into something tasty and good!  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Another Day

Just recently, I was introduced to a song called This Is The New Year by Ian Axel (thanks Jen!). I love, love, love this song, because it sums up how I aim to live my life.

After suffering from chronic pain for so many years and finally getting my life on track, I don’t plan on wasting a moment. I am living the heck out of this life, with joy and thanksgiving. And I want you to come along for the ride.  

Do you realize that the promise of a new day is yours? It’s yours for the taking. All you need to do is reach out a grab it! It's not just another day, it's ANOTHER day!!! Brand new, just for you!

Here’s the link to their song on You Tube, if you have time for an upbeat jam session:  The Is The New Year . The song goes a little something like this:

Another year you made a promise, another chance to turn around.

And do not save this for tomorrow, embrace the past and you can live for now.

And I will give the world to you.

Speak louder than the words before you, and give them meaning no-one else has found.

The role we play is so important, we are the voices of the underground.

And I will give the world to you.

Say everything you’ve always wanted, be not afraid of who you really are.

Cause in the end we have each other, and that’s at least one thing worth living for.

A million suns that shine upon me, a million eyes you are the brightest blue.

Let’s tear the walls down that divide us, and build a statue strong enough for two.

I pass…it back…to you…And I…will wait…for you…

Cause I, would give the world…And I, would give the world…And I, would give the world, to you.

This is a new year. The new beginning. You made a promise. You are the brightest. We are the voices.

This is a new year. We are the voices. This is a new year.

I have so much more to say, yet in some ways, the song says it all.

Take risks. Believe in yourself because you are amazing. Love hard. Laugh until your stomach hurts.  Always look for the good in people. Live well. Celebrate every single day. Say I love you often. Take time for you. If there’s something you’ve been meaning to say, say it. You are stronger than you think. Live a regret-free life. Stay positive. Remember that pain often brings growth.  If there’s something you’ve been meaning to do, do it. Say thank you often. Welcome change. Never give up. Remember that you are worth it. Dream big.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Ditch the Diet

Am I the only one, or do you feel like you’re surrounded by people that are on a diet? Maybe it’s still the New Year’s resolution thing, but I swear, between Facebook and chatting with people in person, it’s all I see and hear.

So what’s the deal Tara, why does this bug you so much? Don’t you love how I just had a dialogue with myself? The deal is that the word diet REALLY agitates me. Now I don’t mean to pick on the poor word, maybe it’s the use of the word. When I hear or see people use the word diet, it’s usually associated with:

Deprivation. Oh, I can’t have that, I’m on a diet <insert your guilt here>.

Short Term Thinking. If I can just do this diet for 6 months, I’ll be all set for that wedding, high school reunion, vacation <insert special event here>.

Irrational behavior. I’m on this juice cleanse. I can eat protein only.  Yep, I’m eating those meal bars, they’re super filling. The grapefruit diet, soup diet, cereal diet, frozen foods only diet <insert your diet of choice here>.

Unrealistic expectations. If I stick to this diet, I will lose 7 pounds in one week <insert your disappointment here>.

Does anybody remember Susan Powter from the 90’s? What ever happened to her anyway? Remember her catch phrase? Stop the Insanity! Well do it people, I beg you to Stop the Insanity!

Pretty please on top of cheese… remove the word diet from your vocabulary! Why? Because it implies:

Deprivation.  In case you’re new to the whole feeling deprived thing, it stinks! When we deprive ourselves, we end up eating even more and before we know it, we’ve gained the weight back and maybe then some.  Please find a program, Weight Watchers or otherwise, that teaches you how and what to eat, along with allowing you to occasionally indulge and live your life. It’s a long life! If you don’t want to be in the never ending cycle of deprivation and overindulgence, jump off.

Short Term Thinking. One reason I love being a Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers, is that I’m in this for life. And not in a prison sentence kind of way, in an I can do this for life because it’s maintainable, practical and flexible kind of way. I am making small changes that are achievable for the rest of my days.

Irrational behavior. If it seems too good to be true, most times it is! Those fad diets might produce the results you’re looking for, but let’s think about the word fad. A fad is something that’s temporary. Hmmm…what an interesting coincidence…a fad is temporary…it comes and it goes. And most times, when we follow a fad diet, our weight loss comes and goes.  If you follow a program that teaches you how to make the best choices using real food that you eat in real life, you are going to be able to maintain those choices for the long haul.

Unrealistic expectations.  Although it might seem awesome, you should not expect to lose vast amounts of weight each week. Weight Watchers and other scientific and medically based wellness programs recommend losing .5 to 2 pounds per week.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Remember, the tortoise beats the hare, EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Enough said. J

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara