Change Takes Time

Ok, here's the real deal friends, you didn't gain this weight in 3 weeks and it's not going to come off in 3 weeks. Lasting change takes time. 

I used to be an "all or nothing" kind of gal. When I previously tried to lose weight, I went all in. Which is fine until I "mess up" because then I say "the heck with it" and give up. Meaning, if I can't do it perfectly, I won't do it at all. Can you relate? 

We all want the quick fix, and we get sucked into the ads and social media that tell us it's possible to lose weight fast, ugh! Sure it is possible, but it isn't sustainable. 

One of my latest posts in the Start Today Facebook group gained traction as I talked about how I've maintained a 40+ pound weight loss since 2011/2012. 

I shared that this time around, my approach was different. I introduced one small change at a time until I mastered it, then I started on another small change. While it took a lot more patience, I was tired of making changes that weren't maintainable for life. Many people commented on my post asking what small changes I made and it inspired todays blog. As you read through these changes please remember that I've made them gradually over the past 10-12 years. And I'm proud to share that now most of them are habits that I don't even think about. 

• I started by removing the calories I was drinking. Swapping out coke for diet coke (I was drinking at least 6 cans of coke a day); then swapped out diet coke for water or unsweetened iced tea. Note: I hated water, and now I love it. My body craves it. I drink half of my body weight in ounces of water each day. 
• Walking. I started out by walking to the stop sign in my neighborhood. I added on 5-10 minutes at a time. Thanks to the motivation in the Start Today Facebook group, I now do 3-4 miles several times a week combined with strength training. I'm excited to keep setting new fitness goals. 
• Let's stay on exercise for a moment. When I first got my elliptical, I started out by doing 10 minutes at a slow speed. I now can do 45 minutes at a good clip without thinking about it. When I started strength training, I used no weights. Then I increased to 1 pound, 3 pounds, 5 pounds and 8 pounds. Start small and add on. 
• The most drastic changes came with my eating. Especially my sugar intake. As I share in the post below, I used to start my day with 1-2 donuts and a coke. I'd then power through my day with sugar and caffeine and it was a never ending cycle of temporary energy and then an energy crash.

• All programs work. But they may not all work for the phase of life that you're in. From 2011 to today I've progressed from Weight Watchers to Beachbody to a more holistic approach to my wellness. They all worked and each one was exactly what I needed at that time in my life. 
• In 2011, I went back to Weight Watchers. I had success on WW in my 20's and gave it another try. If I can pause here and share that I tried WW for 3 years in a row. Stopped and started many MANY times and FINALLY stuck with it. That's how I lost the 40+ pounds and I eventually became a WW leader. WW taught me about portion control and moving my body. It taught me balance. To be able to enjoy all foods in moderation. I needed the group accountability and motivation. 
• In 2016 I discovered Beachbody. Beachbody or BODI was a combination of nutrition and exercise. It's when I finally learned that the quality of food I put in my body matters, not just the quantity. I moved to eating as many whole unprocessed foods as possible. I started to prioritize veggies, lean proteins and complex carbs. This was not an easy change as I'm a super picky non-veggie eater. But I approached the program with an open mind and willingness to try one new food a week. I still do BODI fitness today and I love the variety of workouts! 
• To help with my sweet tooth, I subbed out sweet treats with tons of added sugar for naturally sweet treats. For example, one of my favorite breakfasts is baked oatmeal cups. Note: I don't like the texture of oatmeal. I found that baking the oatmeal changes the texture, but you still get all of the benefits of oatmeal like fiber. I hid veggies in my recipes or in my protein shakes. Instead of doing the "all or nothing" thing, like "I must eat cauliflower mashed potatoes or rice", I continued with the small changes. Like swapping from white rice to brown and from brown rice to half brown rice half cauliflower rice. 
  
• In 2019 I gave up gluten. This wasn't me jumping on a diet trend. This was me realizing that gluten was inflaming my body and creating a whole bunch of issues, joint pain, headaches, bloating. Going gluten free was critical to my recovery from neurological Lyme disease. To learn more about this part of my journey, click here. 
• It was when I gave up gluten that I started to research how to heal my body with food.  I wrote this post about my holistic healing journey. And that is where I am today. Learning what foods serve me well and what don't. Eating more anti-inflammatory foods. Understanding the gut brain connection. Shifting my mindset to focus on nourishing my body, not depriving it. At 51, and battling menopause (all of the lovely symptoms, belly fat and weight gain), I'm exploring how to eat to keep my metabolism moving. This book has been a HUGE help and super educational. I've once again made a shift in my eating to support my current needs- prioritizing protein, healthy fats and low carbs. Understanding the importance of strength training as I age. As I go down this road, I'll be sharing my lessons learned here. 

This was a lot to pack into a post, and I hope you'll see a common theme: change is constant and implementing small changes is the key to living a long, healthy life. 

It starts with a decision to make a change. Then a commitment to keep going.

Decide. Commit. Succeed. 

XO,

Tara

Why Noom? Why now?

Last weekend I posted that I was going to start doing the Noom for Weight Loss program. If you've been following my journey you'll know that over the course of 26 years I've done both Weight Watchers (WW) and Beachbody. So you might be thinking, why Noom? Why now?

First, I need a program that's right for this phase in my life. I know that WW and Beachbody both work. And I also know what I need right now. I need to get back to the behaviors that serve me well. I watched my husband succeed on Noom and was really curious about the psychology of the program, the focus on behavior change. From watching the commercials about Noom, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. So let me break it down for you. 

It's like having behavior management in your pocket. The app is intuitive, entertaining and I actually look forward to using it. Their approach combines psychology and nutrition. You start with a program called Noom 101. Each day you go through mini lessons that are 2-5 minutes long. You can read them or listen to them. I applaud Noom for leading the way in how people want to learn today, taking in small impactful snippets of information. I love that you receive a library of learning and that you can bookmark lessons to go back to for reinforcement. A few that I've bookmarked so far are 1) Overcome Your Thought Distortions and 2) The Story Behind a Habit. These were timely reminders as I embarked on this new journey. 

Next the nutrition. Like WW, Beachbody and most wellness programs, you're tracking calories in and out, but with a twist. There's a brilliant color coding system- red, yellow and green. This system helps you to make better choices with a focus on nutrient dense food. Every food you track is assigned a color. The best part? There are no "bad" foods, even though they're red. Noom is just saying, eat less of these foods. As a visual learner, the color coding and nutrition analysis is awesome! I can quickly look at my day and see what I need to do differently. It's an environment of learning, not guilt. 

Noom also lets you customize your journey. You have goals beyond weight loss, like smaller S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time sensitive) goals and they have you map out Y.B.P. (your big picture), your why, your motivation. 

They also start you with small daily step goal that increases as you progress. The app tracks your steps. The cost of the program ($45/month) also includes access to a coach (if you choose) or you can choose just to use the app. If you're a checklist kind of person, you can earn rewards for completing your lessons, for tracking, etc. What can I say, I like the kudos of the program. I don't mind someone telling me "well done, keep going!" 👏 Can I just pause here on cost? Understandably, this may be cost prohibitive for some. But don't let this be an excuse not to start. At $11/week, if you skip one meal out or a few Starbucks, you're there. Maybe just do the 2 week free trial to see if it's the program for you. 

This week was my first week. I've enjoyed really getting to know the program and revisiting some healthy habits that I lost this past year. As I shared on Facebook, I've gained some covid fluff. Between the emotions of covid, full blown menopause and a new role at work, I need to get back on track. I (honestly) hadn't weighed in since July. Yikes! While the scale isn't everything, it is a metric to overall health. I was surprised (but not surprised) to learn I have about 13 pounds to lose. I've been maintaining a 45 pound weight loss (give or take a few pounds) since 2012, so this is a wake up call for me. If I don't stop now, I know I could easily gain it all back. So here I am, humbly sharing my journey with you. I lost 2.2 pounds my first week! Woo hoo! But what I gained was even more. Knowledge that some of my healthy habits have slipped. Remembering how great it feels to fuel my body and not feel hangry. Not to be restricting but fueling. Learning some new techniques around emotional eating which was perfect timing for work this week.

Whether you're starting over or just getting bac on track, your wellness is important. Find a program that is right for the life stage you're in. Maybe you need 1-1 support. Maybe you need in person support. Maybe an app is just enough for you. No matter what program you try there's one thing they all have in common, they all work if you do. 

Decide. Commit. Succeed. And do it 100x over if you need to. You're worth the work!

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

God, Ted Lasso and Relentless Belief

Have you ever prayed for something so big that you were almost afraid to pray for it? Because you were in a moment that felt so fragile that you couldn't bear the thought that God wasn't listening. That He didn't see you. That He didn't hear you. That you believed that change would come and yet nothing happened. 

Many years ago, our Pastor did a sermon on praying big prayers. The message was that God is greater than our biggest problem, our biggest fear, our biggest heartache. But we are afraid to ask for the unimaginable because we stopped believing it was possible. 

How many of you are currently obsessed with Ted Lasso (on Apple TV)? If you're not watching it. Stop what you're doing, sign up for the free trial and binge, binge, binge. Ted (we're on a first name basis) has a relentless optimism that often times we lose when real life hits us. 

It's hard to believe when we're faced with the really tough stuff like divorce, death, illness, job loss, addiction, rejection, complicated family dynamics, anxiety, depression...Or even the everyday stuff like being a parent, a caregiver to a loved one, finding work-life balance, redefining our careers, managing our finances...It can suck the belief right out of our souls. 

For 18 years, every single evening (6,570+ times) I raised this prayer to God "Lord, please find a way to heal me from my trigeminal neuralgia. I believe that you are working for my good and I trust in your plan for my life." 

If you're just getting to know me, you can read about my illness in previous posts. In short, trigeminal neuralgia = severe, long term, chronic suffering. It is like being electrocuted in the face by lightening over and over again until all you can do is lay in bed and cry. And crying just makes it hurt more. It's a pain that causes desperation. It's nicknamed the suicide disease because some people decided they could only escape the pain by killing themselves. Many medical journals note it's the most painful affliction known to mankind. 

And it tested my faith. 

I questioned God. I was angry with Him. Yet at the same time, knowing that He is an all-loving, all-providing, grace-giving, miracle working God- brought me comfort. And so I prayed "Lord, please find a way to heal me from my trigeminal neuralgia. I believe that you are working for my good and I trust in your plan for my life." 

Then my prayer changed. 

A few years ago when it became evident that this would be a life long illness for me (I mean, c'mon it had been 18 years of relentless praying), my prayer started to shift. "Lord, even if you don't heal me, I trust you. I believe that you want the best for my life. Let me be peaceful with this plan. Let me be present, patient and positive. Help me to continue to believe in your goodness. You are my leader, my forgiver, my hope and my savior. I love you."

I realized that I was holding on too tight to how my life should be instead of letting go and accepting the life that God had given me with all of the goodness and the brokenness. 

And once I let go something funny happened, God worked a miracle. It's a long medical story (if you're curious you can read about it here), but I've been healed from my trigeminal neuralgia for 2 years and 2 months and counting! I have not taken a med for my neuralgia since October of 2019 and at one point I was taking meds like candy. I thought I was going to have to go out on disability. My life outlook at times was grim. 

In the picture on the left in 2017, I'm medicated and on an ice pack trying to freeze block the nerve pain. There were times when I couldn't open my jaw to eat, to talk. Many days it hurt to smile. When my family couldn't touch me because it generated more pain. Moments of hopelessness. 

In the picture on the right in 2021, I'm celebrating! I had various pain triggers but my worst trigger was cold weather. It was almost instant-pain for me. For many years it prevented me from doing anything outside. Being at my son's soccer and baseball games, going out with family and friends, even picking out our Christmas tree.  

Yet here I am in the mountains of Utah in the cold weather and I am soaking in the moment of being able to be outside in nature without pain. I was surrounded by God's majesty. The way the sun reflected off of the snow. How crisp and fresh the air was. The rich, deep scent of the evergreens. The soft sound of the snow dripping as it melted. The brilliance of the bright blue sky. The ability of my body to live and move and breathe without pain. "Lord, let me be present, patient and positive. Let me be peaceful with this plan."

I want to continue to approach my life with peace, gratitude and awe. Knowing that God is full of miracles if only we dare to believe. 

Never give up hope. 

XO,

Tara 

  

Chasing the Scale

I've been chasing the scale almost my entire life, since elementary school. So in honor of it being 10 years since I wrote my first blog, I thought I'd reflect on how my focus has shifted from chasing a certain weight and size to holistic wellness- knowing that I'm moving every day, nourishing my body and am healthy and comfortable in my skin. 

At 49, I'm not at my heaviest weight and I'm not at my lightest and quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about my weight. If there's anything I've learned over the past 10 years it's that losing weight and happiness aren't always in alignment. There are plenty of people who have lost weight and are still miserable and fighting emotional battles that being "at goal" didn't solve. 

With that said, my ever changing wellness journey has allowed me to stay at a healthy weight since 2012. But Tara you just said you're tired of thinking about your weight?!? Truth. I have struggled to lose the diet mentality and weight loss focus that I've had since the 80's. The restriction. The guilt. The mental punishment for "eating something bad". Ugh! That's a lot of years lost. Everywhere we look someone is telling us we can be thinner, stronger, have whiter teeth, longer lashes, thicker hair. The health and beauty industry comes at us hard with ads. Hell, I came at you hard with Weight Watchers and Beachbody. Yet these last few years battling back from lyme disease and past my neuralgia illness have shifted my point of view. 

Starting with Weight Watchers. I tracked points instead of paying attention to what I was eating and why. I knew all of the points for donuts, fries, Pop Tarts. I did learn how to eat healthier than I was before I started. I kept within the program constraints and it worked- 40+ pounds lost. I'm great at restrictive eating, it's what I know. Now don't get me wrong, I learned SO much from WW and I was a leader and there's a lot of merit to their programs. I did learn about behavior change. I just didn't realize that for the most part I wasn't putting quality foods into my body. 

Moving to Beachbody. Beachbody got me closer to understanding the importance of nutrition in combination with movement. That the combination of certain foods and movement, specifically strength training, can be powerful, especially as we age. Thanks to BB I transformed my body to the most fit at 44 than in my entire life! But once again I was off balance, I managed the scale and my size way too tightly. I still couldn't lose the guilt of "skipping a workout" or "eating a bad food". Then I found Beachbody's 2B Mindset program that focuses on the quality and quantity of food and also on the mental aspect of wellness. I finally started to experience freedom. Freedom from constraint, freedom from rigid tracking. I moved to truly focusing on the quality of foods I was eating- whole foods, very few processed items and of course some occasional treats. I found that I was able to maintain my weight, not effortlessly, but with much less stress and guilt.  

This was my gateway to healing my body holistically and becoming curious about what else might work for me (for my age, menopause, hormones). If you've read my previous posts you'll see my evolution over the past 4 years. My curiosity led me to the following resources.  

Books: 

Body Love by Kelly Leveque | No Grain No Pain by Dr. Peter Osborne | Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Dr. Daniel Amen | You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Podcasts: 

The Art of Being Well with Dr. Will Cole | Cleaning up the Mental Mess with Dr. Caroline Leaf | Weight Loss for Busy Physicians with Katrina Ubell 

I hope this post helps you see that there are many paths to health. If you've tried something and it didn't work keep trying new things until something sticks. Instead of being angry or frustrated, be open to change.  

Stop hating on your body enough to pay attention to what it needs. Maybe what worked for you in your 20's isn't working in your 50's....guuuuurrrlll (or guy) your body is changing and that's OK.

It took me forever (and a day) to figure out that if you focus on health, the scale will follow. No need to chase it. And if you let it go and appreciate all that your body does for you (even with cellulite, lumps, bumps and stretch marks) your heart and mind can finally exhale and be at peace.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice and continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

Menopause and Mental Health

In April I sat down with my practitioner and said "I'm kind of embarrassed to say this but...I've been feeling very anxious recently." In her office I had an out of body experience because I heard myself saying I was embarrassed to talk about mental health and I was disappointed that I spoke those words out loud. Argh! I openly talk with my (young adult) kids about depression and anxiety yet here I was feeling a certain way that I was feeling a certain way. Sigh. 

I've been seeing my practitioner for 10 years and we have a high trust relationship. She knows me very well. So when I told her I was feeling anxious and that my normal coping mechanisms (a combination of diet, exercise, meditation, CBD oil, prayer, journaling) weren't doing anything she took me seriously and listened with empathy. We talked for a while and she had me fill out a mental health assessment/questionnaire. And what came next was surprising...it could be menopause. Yikes! At 49 it probably seems naïve that I hadn't considered I was going through "the change". I've had some night sweats and hot flashes but nothing life disrupting. But here's the deal and why I'm penning this post, nobody talks about mental health and menopause, specifically anxiety and menopause. And it's for real. 

While I've dealt with levels of anxiety in the past, I've never until now experienced a full blown panic attack. It was hard to express to my practitioner how I was feeling except that I was having irrational fears in normal every day circumstances. These fears left me gasping for air. I felt trapped and like I wanted to run away. My fight or flight reflexes were in full force. My mind was reeling and wouldn't stop with the "what if's" and feelings of dread. As I started this blog 10 years ago with the promise to keep it real, here goes with a few examples of what I experienced. 

During a work meeting with colleges that I trust and have worked with for years I suddenly felt like I couldn't finish the call and that I needed to drop off of Zoom. We were discussing a topic I was well versed about yet I felt extremely overwhelmed. I started to sweat and felt like I couldn't breathe. 

While out walking my dog I felt anxious about other dogs in my neighborhood that I've known for 17 years. I know full well that they have electric fences yet I felt leery like they were going to break through the fence. I couldn't relax and stop worrying. I just wanted to get home. 

During a work presentation, once again where I knew the topic well, I panicked and lost my train of thought. Instead of being able to mentally regroup (I was with a trusted group of peers), I felt like I needed to end the call. It was a completely irrational need to flee. 

These are a few examples of how I was feeling. 

After doing hormone testing we determined I was in full blown menopause and that my progesterone is low and my estrogen is high. As an aside (and probably TMI) I couldn't use my period as a gauge because I had an ablation years ago and don't get my period.  The mental health assessment questions I checked as "yes" were all mostly focused in the GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) section of the brain. Progesterone helps to create GABA which blocks certain brain signals producing a calming effect in the brain. See more about this in the articles at the bottom of this post. 

I was relieved to learn that what I am experiencing is potentially due to my change in hormones. One article I read called progesterone an anti-anxiety hormone and when it's low, anxiety is high. 

Because I see a holistic MD and practitioner, we decided to try 2 natural hormone balancing supplements: 

1- Balance by Ortho Molecular Products

2- L'Theanine by Integrative Therapeutics 

She jokingly called Balance the "marriage saver" because it has helped her patients so much. I'm only in my first month of taking the supplements and it could take up to 90 days for my body to level out, but I'll keep you posted on how I'm progressing. 

I wanted to share my experience because while I hear people make jokes about mood and menopause, I've never really heard anyone talk about it seriously and how fluctuating hormones can impact our daily lives. If you're feeling a certain way (menopause or not), talk with someone about it. What you're feeling is real and valid and important. And medication or supplements or therapy can help. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone is enough. Don't try and go it alone. You are loved and beloved. Asking for help is self care and in some cases survival. 

Continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

More on menopause, anxiety and panic attacks: 

https://mysecondspring.ie/menopause-symptoms/menopausal-anxiety-and-panic-attacks

https://www.rosewellness.com/signs-of-low-progesterone-hormone/

https://www.healthywomen.org/your-health/menopause-aging-well/menopause-and-anxiety-whats-connection

The Power to Heal

When I look back on this picture from 2008, I remember the suffering. You can see it in my eyes. I was in so much pain. Excruciating electric shock like pain in my head and face to be exact. It was taking over my life. The pic on the right is from a consult with an orthodontist. I was so desperate to manage my trigeminal neuralgia pain, I thought perhaps that realigning my teeth/jaw might help so I got Invisalign. It didn't help with my pain, but my teeth are straight. :) 

You couldn't have told me that in 2020 (pic on the left), I'd find myself healed and pain free. I would have wept with relief. As I'd had severe facial nerve pain (off and on) since 2001. This post isn't to rehash or question those years, it's to share how going to a holistic MD (or an integrative health practitioner) changed, dare I say saved my life.  

I ended up going to a holistic MD thanks to my acupuncturist, trusted practitioner (and friend). I posted about what led up to that journey here: Holistic healing 

I met with Dr. Pravs of Montgomery Integrative Health in the summer of 2019. From the start, the appointment was different (in a good way). Starting with the gazillion (haha) page health questionnaire I filled out. The goal of an integrative health practitioner is to treat the the root cause and not just treat the symptoms. They look at the patient as a whole.  If you read some of my previous blog posts you'll notice that I had seen my neurologist, a spine doctor, an orthopedic doctor- all treating symptoms. Bouncing me around from treatment to expensive treatment, never getting to the core of what was wrong with me. 

Between the questionnaire and the sit down meeting with Dr. Pravs, I felt seen and heard. She was genuinely curious about my overall wellness. At my consult, we talked about the fact that there had to be something underlying going on in my body. We tested for many things- thyroid issues, autoimmune disorders, lyme, nutrient deficiencies- to name a few. My tests came back and I was lyme positive so she referred me to her colleague Dr. Wittels who is a lyme literate doctor. Dr. Wittels ran additional testing and found I not only had lyme but coinfections. 

Here is more about my lyme journey: Lyme disease diagnosis 

For the entire year of 2019 I made taking care of my health my second full time job. I worked with Dr. Wittels and Dr. Pravs on a holistic treatment plan that involved vitamins/supplements, prescription meds (for lyme), exercise and continued on my gluten free journey  (which makes a huge impact on inflammation). I met with Dr. Wittels every 30-60 days and we tweaked my plan as needed depending on my symptoms. She is brilliant. I liken her to a mad scientist (in a good way) because she is so knowledgeable about the innerworkings of the human body and what it needs to heal. 

During this time I continued to work with my acupuncturist and massage therapist to manage my pain. As the lyme cleared from my body and we started to rebuild my nutrients and immune system, I continued to feel better and better. And the most magical part of all, my neurological symptoms  disappeared. The excruciating pain, the daily pins and needles, the pulling and pushing of my facial nerves. I haven't taken prescription neuralgia meds since the fall of 2019 and at one point I was eating them like candy. After suffering for so long, this is a health miracle. When you live with chronic pain for so long and your body suddenly feels peaceful, it's like living in black and white and all of the sudden seeing color. 

Fast forward to today and I'm living my best life. I still am treating some lasting symptoms of lyme with vitamins/supplements, but all in all my energy is up, my severe pain is gone. I sleep better. My hair and skin look and feel better. Even things like my teeth grinding is gone. I am humbled to be at this place in my life. My heart is filled with gratitude. This post might make the healing journey seem easy-peasy, but it was constant trial and error. It was really hard work. It was pushing through when things didn't work. It was staying hopeful during setbacks. A few things were key for me: 

• Surrounding myself with practitioners who worked together and truly knew me. 
• Being open to different modes of treatment. 
• Staying curious about my health and healing my body. 
• Keeping my mind present (not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future). 

I'm writing this in the hopes that more and more people will learn about and embrace holistic healing. It's funny when I tell people I see a holistic MD, some think it's some typic of crazy nonsense practice. When really it's how we should be treated as patients who live in bodies that are complex yet also miraculous. The only thing I wish is that I'd known about integrative medicine sooner. That's why I'm sharing my journey. With the right help, you have the power to heal your body. 

Make the choice to heal. Commit to it and continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

Resources:

Montgomery Integrative Health (Dr. Daila Pravs- Dr. Heidi Wittels)  

Acupuncture for Health (Kate Pietrowski) 

Simply be Well Massage (Renee Wachter) 

Podcast on inflammation and integrative medicine (Dr. Will Cole- Dr. Caroline Leaf) 

The Stories We Tell

What if you are on the cusp of a breakthrough but you gave up a little too soon? You stopped short. You quit. You got tired of trying. You stopped believing in your ability to change. But you didn't realize just how close you were to finally changing...

June 2011- June 2020. When I look at this picture I think about how close I was to giving up on my wellness goals.

In March 2011, I started (once again) on a wellness journey. I say once again because I had been trying to lose weight since 2008. I stopped and started Weight Watchers a gazillion times. I started to tell myself that I would never ever lose the weight.

I wondered if there was something medically wrong with me?
Hormones...thyroid...something...anything...because I was doing the work but it wasn't showing on the scale. But really, looking back I was just half-assing it and coming up with excuses. Once I started making small daily consistent changes, that's when the magic started to happen.

Funny enough it was this blog that helped me to stay on track. I decided to blog about my journey to hold myself accountable. Here's my first post. When I read through my first year it occurs to me that I really didn't believe I could do it. Because I had stopped and started so many times, my confidence in my ability to actually reach my goal was low.

What was different this time around is that I focused on my overall health. I told myself that if I did what I needed to do to take care of myself emotionally, physically and spiritually, the weight loss would follow. This mindset has allowed me to maintain a 40+ weight loss for 9 years. Have I had a few fluctuations? Sure, but that's real life.

I wanted to write this post because I know there's someone out there reading this who is afraid to go after a goal, be it weight or otherwise because they've tried before and failed. I get it, as a recovering perfectionist I feel you. Failure sucks. But why not fail forward? Give it a go and if you encounter a setback look at it in a new way. Having a setback means that you are working toward something. See that setback as a fail forward. It's still getting you closer to your goal.

If we tell ourselves the same story over and over again, we'll believe it enough to get stuck. Be aware of how you're talking to yourself and be willing to rewrite that story. I've worked hard on my mental fortitude. I've encountered health issue after health issue in the 9 years since I started this journey. Trigeminal neuralgia. Foot fractures. Neck/shoulder issues. Lyme disease. Chronic pain. I've done PT. Spinal injections. PT. Acupuncture. Prescription Meds. Supplements. Chiropractic. All because taking care of my health and myself is so important to me. Sometimes it feels like setback after setback. They'd all be valid excuses to eat my sorrow, my frustration, my pain and to gain all of that weight back.

But this time around the story I am telling myself is that I am worth the work. That I want to live a healthy lifestyle. To enjoy being active with my family. To grow older and have adventures with my husband. To have enough energy to serve in my community. And at 48 I've come to realize that it wasn't the weight that was holding me back, it was the belief in myself that I could change for good.

You have the power to write a new story.
Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Continue with courage.

XO,
Tara

Let Your Food Freak Flag Fly

This past year I armed myself with an open mind and a whole lot of curiosity about how food could heal my body. As my neurological pain got worse, my suffering led to desperation and I found myself at a turning point. I could remain angry and sad and continue doing the same things or I could change my mindset and my actions. 

Fortunately, I had already lost and maintained 40+ pounds and had drastically changed what I ate and how I moved my body. Over the past 8 years I have experienced the power of eating whole, healthy foods and the importance of exercise, stress management and meditation/prayer to control my neurological illness with as little prescription meds as possible. 

But then, a major setback. Little did I know it but Lyme disease was attacking my body and wreaking havoc on my muscles and nerves. This is when I started to get curious about what else I could do to heal my body. 

Trigeminal neuraliga (and Lyme) are inflammatory illnesses. I had been following a friends journey where she removed gluten, dairy and soy from her diet to help deal with an inflammatory illness. 

Thanks to "Dr. Google", I stumbled across this video on You Tube talking about gluten sensitivity. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UH_Fr1eO5ME

I was intrigued and wondered if removing gluten could help me to manage my daily joint, muscle and nerve pain. So I ordered Dr. Osbourne's book No Grain No Pain and committed to removing not only grain but dairy and soy from my diet. I was desperate to find a way out of the pain. I committed to trying 30 days of his plan. Hey, we can do anything for 30 days, right?!? Disclaimer, I didn't do phase II of his plan, that was too extreme for me. 

That was 7 months ago and I've been gluten free ever since. I have added bits of dairy/soy back into my diet because I don't think they were the culprits, but going gluten free has been a game changer. I would say that overall removing gluten took my daily pain from 8-9-10 out of 10 to a 2-3 out of 10. I noticed results within 2 weeks. My pain was not only better but other small things started to change. I slept better. I stopped grinding my teeth/clenching my jaw. My skin, especially my cracked feet began to heal. My nerves felt a sense of calm. My facial nerves stopped pulling downward. It's almost like my body gave this big sigh of relief. 

I had no idea that healing my gut could help to remove/reduce my pain. 

https://www.integrativepainscienceinstitute.com/gut-feeling-chronic-pain/

Not shortly after going gluten free and seeing the results did I decide to see a holistic MD to get some direction around my journey. She suspected I had leaky gut and we did micronutrient testing along with a few tests for autoimmune issues and Lyme disease. As it turns out I have Lyme disease and the inflammation was rampant. My nerves were on fire and my cells were a hot mess creating an environment where I was oversensitive to pain and my regular pain triggers become mega triggers. 

I went to a Lyme specialist and began antibiotic and supplement treatment. 

But I'm not here to talk about Lyme, I want to tell you that changing what I ate, even though I was already a healthful eater has made HUGE impact in my healing journey. It wasn't just what I stopped eating, but what I added in. Anti-inflammatory foods such as wild blueberries and cherries plus healthy fats such as flaxseed and walnuts. Learning what to eat has been as important as learning what not to eat. An easy to read nutrition book is Body Love by Kelly Leveque. 

I'm a recovering veggie hater who knows how important they are for my body. So I try my best to hide them in my meals. I'm a picky eater who is determined to continue to try new foods, even if I don't like how they look or smell. Except bone broth *chuckle*. My husband asked me to describe bone broth and I said "it tastes like death and dirt". I just couldn't do it! I also focused on continuing to reduce my sugar and caffeine intake and to stop drinking diet drinks. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is to be willing and open. Willing to try new things and to ask for help. If this journey is something you're considering I'd recommend starting with Dr. Osbourne's plan for 30 days and then going to a holistic MD, integrative practitioner or holistic nutritionist who can guide you. 

Be open to change even when it's hard. Being gluten free takes commitment and planning but it's totally doable. There are tons of GF recipes out there and apps such as Find Me Gluten free which finds GF restaurants near your location. I love me some baked goods and even found a way to baked GF chocolate chips cookies this Christmas that were actually yummy! 

10 years ago I had a work friend who was using food to battle inflammation. She (kindly) offered to walk me around Wegman's to show me what she was eating. In my mind I was a bit judgmental (thinking food freak)...It's funny how being gluten free, or vegan, or vegetarian has come so far yet many people, even in my own family have been judging my journey. You're gonna get the haters...but who cares?!? You have to do what works best for you. 

When I first saw my massage therapist over a year ago my body was so riddled with inflammation that everywhere she touched hurt. And now she says my inflammation is virtually gone! Of course that's also due to my Lyme antibiotics and supplements but I know that changing my eating has been an extremely important part of my journey. I am well on my road to recovery and feeling better than I have in 2 years. I wish the same for you my friends. 

Let your food freak flag fly!

Make a choice. Commit to it and continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

Making Lymonade- How'd I Get Here?

Almost 2 years ago to date (11/6/17) my body started to fail me. I woke up with a huge lump in my neck, excruciating pain and wasn't able to turn my head. Now I'm used to excruciating pain, I've had a chronic neurological illness called trigeminal neuralgia since 2001. But this pain was different. It was so bad, I wondered if I was having a heart attack?

A trip to urgent care led to the diagnosis of a muscle spasm, a prescription for muscle relaxers and instructions to follow up with my primary care doctor. An examination by my primary care doctor led to a prescription to PT to work out my muscle spasm.

A few months before this whole ordeal began, I had become a certified Refit instructor (think a lighter version of Zumba) and was super excited to launch a class at my church. Activity was a part of my everyday life. We were an active family- hiking, biking, kayaking, paddle boarding on vacations. Movement for me was medicine both emotionally and physically and helped me to manage my trigeminal neuralgia.

But every time I moved my upper body, my neck, shoulders and biceps went into spasm. And soon, any movement (except for walking) triggered spasm. Even worse, the spasms staring triggering my neuralgia and kept me in an endless loop of shock like nerve pain in my neck and back of my head. I had to give up leading my fitness class and all movement. The pain started to take over my every day life. I bought a special pillow to try to sleep. I couldn't get my head comfortable. I only slept thanks to muscle relaxers and my neuralgia meds. I lost my ability to do things even the most basic things around the house. I could not even lift laundry in and out of the washer. Grocery shopping/any kind of shopping was out of the question. I couldn't lift the bags or even move my neck to look up to a top shelf. I did as little movement as possible during the day and went to bed early. Even work was challenging. I'm so thankful I get to work from home and could take breaks to ice, heat and rest.

After 3 months I had made little progress with PT. My PT was fantastic but we couldn't figure out why my body continued to spasm even with treatment. My neuralgia continued to get worse, it was the worst it had been in 7 years. I went to my long time neurologist for answers. He sent me for an MRI and identified I had a herniated disc in my neck. AHA- finally, a reason for my nerve pain. He sent me to a spine doctor and because PT wasn't working I did a cervical injection. The injection gave me relief but after a few months the shock like pain came back. I began PT again with only slight relief. So I went back for another injection. Once again, it gave me relief but the pain came back. I asked the spine doctor why my disk didn't seem to be healing, he said it was degenerative. I didn't buy that answer, I am only 47 years old and before this, in great health.

All of this transpired over 19 months. 19 months!!! My body continued to decline. My hair texture turned sticky/greasy and my hair (usually super thick) started to fall out. The muscle spasms traveled into my thighs. I had no exercise tolerance, even light movement created muscle spasms. In the spring of 2019, I was lost and had no answers. I began to consider seeing a counselor because I just couldn't deal with the pain anymore and didn't know what to do with myself.

If I could push pause in this story and share that before this whole thing started, I was a healthy eater (I had lost 40 pounds in 2011/2012). I took great care of my body. I moved daily. I meditated/prayed to manage my stress. I did acupuncture to manage my neuralgia symptoms. Self care (because of my neuralgia) was super important to me. My neuralgia was managed and I was living my best life. Seriously, I was on top of my health game! My acupuncturist who has been treating me for 9 years now and who I trust implicitly had said to me a few times, your symptoms present like Lyme disease. And my massage therapist who I've been seeing for a year now said the same thing. That my body (and lymph nodes) were filled with some kind of toxins.

I half listened because of course I've had ticks on me (from hiking and having pets), but I never had the rash or any other symptoms (so I thought). But finally in June of 2019 I made an appointment with a holistic MD. One of the many blood tests she ran on me was Lyme and it came back positive.  Along with several Lyme co-infections. Those nasty little bacteria were eating away at my system for years. She referred me to her partner, a Lyme literate MD and we began a treatment regimen at the end of August.

I'll share my treatment regimen and how I'm doing (amazing BTW) in my next post but let me just say...that not one soul...not my primary care doctor...not my spine doctor...had Lyme disease on their radar. And it's a damn shame. Because I suffered for almost 2 years. It is thanks to my acupuncturist, my massage therapist and my new doctor that I'm healing and starting to get back to being me again. I prayed so hard for healing and answers and I finally got them. And it feels downright miraculous.

This is a shortened version of almost 2 years of hell, a whole bunch of medical shenanigans and thousands of dollars spent on unnecessary treatment. I am sharing my story because I know that hundreds if not thousands of people are suffering from  diagnosed Lyme. I didn't realize until I got diagnosed how controversial chronic Lyme is. That there are some medical professionals/institutions that don't believe it exists. I am beyond grateful that I've been paired with the right caregivers. The peace I now feel in my mind and body (after only 2.5 months of treatment) is honestly unbelievable.

I've had this mantra on my refrigerator since June. I am healing! And little by little I am. I share my story because there's hope. Always hope.

Continue with courage.
XO,
Tara

Leaning into the Uncertainty

This post is for everyone who is sending their kids off (no matter their age) into the world, who are feeling a bit unsettled.

It came from a chat with my bestie about the empty nest which can also be known as the restless nest (from my point of view). It's not just for empty nesters, it's for all of us who are trying to balance the never ending push pull of being a parent while also trying to be ourselves.

It's also inspired by a FB post from my Aunt about blooming and knowing who she is and where she fits in the world. "Ha, back then I thought I was just a wife, mom and grandmother. Now I am ME! (still a mom and gmom but..."

Her words resonated with me as perhaps they do for you. I most certainly lost myself in my 30's, in the peak of raising 2 kids while working and trying to be and do it all. And on top of that, to be it all and do it all perfectly. Ugh, exhausting! And as the reality (and also excitement) of empty nest freedom began to loom, I also began to wonder who the hell I was...it made me understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. But why does it have to be a mid-life crisis? Why not a mid-life opportunity?

Even after launching 2 kids, there are days when I have no idea who the hell I am. So many life changes have taken place over the past few years. Some good. Some crappy. Some freaking fantastic! They've left me feeling unsettled. I don't know who I am without fitness...I don't know who I am without my kids...I don't know who I am without something to do...I don't know who I am without <insert yours here>...Without the drama...without my job...without my spouse...without my parent...without the food/alcohol/drugs...without a friend.

I like to do. To have a plan and execute. I usually have a few goals in my back pocket that are my next to tackle. I hate uncertainty. I hate waiting. I like to know what's next. I'm awful at being still. So this phase of life has me feeling antsy. Health issues have forced me to slow down. But slowing down means too much Tara reflection time. Aka analyzing the heck out of things.

Usually when we meet someone for the first time we tell them what we do, or that we're so and so's spouse, or parent, or friend. We create these roles and if you're like me that feels good, comforting. What happens when this changes? Either by our own choice or not. I believe that's where the mid-life opportunity comes in. I love the thought of shifting our mindset from the idea that life is happening to us to life is happening for us. I know that if you're in a real shit moment right now you're probably rolling your eyes and tuning out...but I firmly believe this.

It reminds me of Hillsong's song, New Wine. I listen to it on replay during times of change.
In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making new wine. 
In the soil, I now surrender. 
You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to you and your careful hand. 
When I trust you I don't need to understand. 

I may not know who I am at the moment or where I'm going. Yet my heart is slowly settling. It can do that because of what I know for sure. I know who I am with God. I am loved. I am provided for. I know who my kids are with God. They are loved. They are provided for. And this brings me peace.

It also brings me courage to lean unto the uncertainty. To lean into who I am now. To be more patient and kind to myself.

To embrace where I am physically. I will not reduce myself to my limitations. All the fun stuff that comes with age. The gargantuan chin hair. Losing my glasses when they're still on my head. Unruly eyebrow hairs that have a mind of their own. The aches and pains. The oh so awesome night sweats.

I lean into the not knowing. To the paralyzing fear of my unreasonably high self standards. Of not being enough or doing enough as a spouse, a parent, a family member or friend.

I release myself from the unrealistic societal pressure of beauty, physicality and home life. From the Instgram and Pinterest cultivated lifestyles that I'll never measure up to.

My mantra lately has been to be positive and present. Not racing so hard to get into a future state to when things are better or different. In doing this I change my narrative, from being a victim of my circumstances to victor over whatever life brings.   

Lean in to you.
XO,
Tara

On Hope and Healing

You've seen my healthy selfies. My posts encouraging you to move more and to put healing foods in your body. I'm sure they can sometimes be annoying- blah, blah, blah Tara, shut the heck up already. But perhaps you don't know the reason for my relentless pursuit of health. It's to help me to live my best life in spite of having a chronic neurological illness and to empower you to take control of your health. 

The girl on the right in this picture was suffering. But I love this picture because 2010 was the year that my life changed. I’ve had trigeminal neuralgia for 18 years, but it’s only over the past 9 years that I figured out the importance of slowing down for complete self-care and opened myself up to holistic treatments. Once I had an open mind and became curious (instead of angry) about my illness, my health started to change. I went from someone who was bedridden, at the end of her rope, lost, sad. I just laid in bed and cried, but crying triggered pain. I also ate to soothe my pain gaining 40 pounds. Some days my husband and kids couldn’t touch me, I hurt that badly. I was desperate for hope. I went to a depressing support group and didn’t find a ton of hope or help online. All people did was talk about their suffering. I was on heavy meds and was about to go out of work on disability. The meds were making me lose my mind. I got lost driving home from work. I’d go to the grocery store and forget why I was there. I withdrew from family and friends. I wasn’t sure how I could go on. It was a dark and painful time. Out of desperation I went to an acupuncturist who also happened to be a holistic practitioner and health coach and slowly we started to change my lifestyle.

Of course I didn’t do this all at once, I tried one new thing at a time to see what worked for me and what didn’t. I lost the weight. I changed my job which was creating a tremendous amount of stress for me. I discovered how much fitness impacts my neuralgia in a positive way. I armed myself with some great practitioners. I have an excellent neurologist- I now take Maxalt as needed to control my neuralgia flare ups instead of the daily harsh meds in combination with the holistic practices below.

I have bad pain days, especially in the winter. But I went from taking anti-convulsant meds like candy to only needing them about once a month. I recently went 85 days without pain meds! For the most part I’m active and healthy and I’m living my best life in spite of my illness. It doesn’t control me, I am in control. I refuse to be a victim, I will be a victor!

I have a friend whose mother was recently diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia and I wrote this to help her. No matter what chronic illness you're facing, many of the below actions might help you too. 

What helps me:

Prayer/faith- couldn’t get through this without it!

Exercise- daily movement is a natural mood enhancer and pain reliever. Even just walking daily and light stretching.

Managing stress- meditation, setting boundaries, counseling.

Acupuncture- allowed me to stop using the heavy daily meds like Neurontin that were ruining my life. I did acupuncture once a week until my nerves settled down, now I do it every other week. Here’s my testimonial: https://acupuncturecure.com/testimonials/

Nutrition- reducing inflammatory foods. Adding in anti-inflammatory foods and supplements. Removing gluten, dairy and soy is quite the commitment but has been a game changer. I could feel my nerves relax within 2 weeks of going gluten free. https://www.glutenfreesociety.org/no-grain-no-pain-the-book/

Finding a holistic practitioner- https://myfunctionalmedicinedoctor.org/ that can blend eastern and western medicine. I’d strongly recommend Micronutrient testing. Many nutrient deficiencies can mimic nerve pain. The supplements that have helped me the most are:

https://www.metagenics.com/ultrainflamx-plus-360- can only be prescribed by a practitioner.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B076B6JTMW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1- - I take this twice a day with water and it’s really settled my nerves. You can find it on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Relief-Magnesium-Arnica-Homeopathic-Strength/dp/B01J2BN338/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1SPVZ0NL7HWXX&keywords=magsoothium%2Bcream&qid=1564669856&s=gateway&sprefix=magsoo%2Chpc%2C139&sr=8-3&th=1- I rub this on my neck, shoulders and back of head.

Massage- I was afraid to get massage but this year discovered that massage helps me greatly! Craniosacral therapy has given me incredible relief. I was going once a week and now go once a month. I wish I had discovered it sooner!

Journaling- I keep a daily pain journal, rank my pain from 0-10 in the morning and again at night and note any triggers or what made me feel better.

Knowing my triggers- Extreme cold and heat, humidity, noise, stress.

Having a good support system- My closest friends and family know what I’m going through. They know my triggers and my limits. They understand when I say no or have to reschedule. It took a while for me to be able to share with them because I didn’t want to be a whiner. But it’s been important to me and to our relationships.

Mindset- I have to choose to live in faith over fear. This illness can be depressing, exhausting and you can become paralyzed by fear. Many people with trigeminal neuralgia stop living their best life because they fear the uncertainty of when the next attack will come. So they just hunker down and don’t do anything. I surround myself with positive people, books and podcasts. I stay engaged in things that bring me joy. I practice gratitude daily, even on the days I have pain. I moved from a mindset of “why me God” to “what will you have me learn from this God.”

As I write this I'm extremely overwhelmed with gratitude of the angels who've been put in my path to help me heal and give me hope. I want you to see and believe that there is hope for you too. You might be in a really dark place right now and you have no idea how you're going to dig yourself out. Just the thought of doing something different is enough to make you want to quit before you start. Just do one thing. Just one. Once you master it, do one more. Soon you'll find that your life is changing. One change, one choice at a time. Things will get better. You can get better. 

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Space and Grace

Have you ever felt completely overwhelmed by life? Like you're swimming in the ocean and the waves just keep crashing down on you and it's hard to find air?

I remember a time clearly when just returning a library book became an overwhelming task. It was in the early days of my neurological illness, before I got diagnosis and treatment. I was in bed daily, crying through the pain. Struggling to be a Mom to two young kids, a wife and work a full time job. A library book sat on my bedside table for months. I'd give it a glance every once in a while, knowing it was overdue. I could have easily asked my husband to return it for me. But I simply didn't have the mental wherewithal to make it happen.

Maybe you can relate. You're muddling through life right now and the smallest things can throw you into a tizzy. The dirty dishes or laundry piling up, unpaid bills, your kids homework. Let's not even talk about focusing on self care. And you can't remember when you took time for the f word, fun. There are some days when just taking a shower feels like an accomplishment. You do what it takes to survive the day at hand, roll into bed, and do it all over again.

I hear you friend. I was just venting to my hubs about my neck/disk injury. I've spent the past 18 months in a battle with myself. Don't tune me out, I know that you might be facing something way harder than a physical injury. But I think we can both agree on a few things:

1) It sucks when something or someone you love is taken away from you.
2) Change can be long and slow and painful and seemingly without reason.
3) The only road to found is lost.

OK, so I stole #3 from Toby Mac's new song Scars.
"Life ain't got no sequel.
We all broken people.
The only road to found is lost.
Oversimplifyin'.
Ain't no shame in trying.
Passion never counts the cost.

As I was having a little pity party for myself tonight, because I've had another painful physical setback, God threw that Toby Mac song my way. It's like He was in my head and in my heart. Because I wanted to stop trying.

For the past 18 months my goal has been to be patient, present, persistent and positive. To do this I've needed to rely on my faith, in God and in myself.

Being patient requires presence and trust. Those who know me know, I am not a patient person. I'm a doer and I'm always thinking ten steps ahead. I simply don't have time for patience. I had to learn to  slow down and focus on the day at hand and to trust God with the rest. This is a super difficult discipline because I'm also a control freak, ha! But I need to truly trust and believe that God has got me and my future in the palm of His hand and that His plan is good. 

Being persistent requires obedience. There are some days when I'm just too exhausted to do what I need to do to heal. Physical and emotional healing is hard work and it requires consistent behavior. Obedience is taking consistent action even when we don't feel like it. Obedience is trusting that God will show up when we just don't think we can take another step.

Being positive requires gratitude. I have a quote in my office "worry refuses to share the heart with gratitude." Gratitude can cast out fear and doubt. When we're grateful, there's no room in our hearts for anger, frustration or sadness. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy to put on your positive pants when you're in the thick of it. When I'm in one of my mental pity parties, I do a lot of different things to dig myself out. I open my bible/devotional. I pray. I breathe. I call a friend. I do DIY. I exercise. I listen to my favorite jams. I watch YouTube or Ted Talks. I read a personal development book. I write down 5 things I'm grateful for. I intentionally seek out joy. Every night when I lay down my head, no matter what kind of day I had, I thank God for the gift of another day.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel the pain. We should sit with it for a while. And that time period  is different for everyone. We need to allow ourselves the space and grace to get through it. I love the quote below "so far you've survived 100 percent of your worst days. You're doing great!"

Maybe that sounds trite, but it's true. Whatever sheer hell you're facing right now, you will get through it. Give yourself the space and time to heal. Be willing to be still. To listen for God's whisper in the midst of the chaos. He's loves you so much and He's trying to tell you something. What does He want you to do next?

And for the love of it all, please dear friend, give yourself some grace. However you get through this, it's the right way for you. Patience, presence, persistence and positivity don't require perfection. Change happens when you show up and do the work.

Don't ever give up on yourself and your dreams. No matter how many times we fall down, we get back up. We keep trying because "passion never counts the cost." 

Hugs and friendship,
Tara

The F Word (Fear)

My saying in 2019 is "F the F Word", how about that?!? Well actually it's "I will rise", but lately I've been feeling feisty about the F Word (fear) so I thought I'd post about it.

Fear. It can be exhausting, exhilarating or both. It can push us toward our goals or away from them. It can spring us into action or stop us in our tracks. The kick in the pants? Our brain doesn't know the difference from perceived fear and actual fear. Perceived fear can send our brain into the same fight or flight path as an actual fear driven situation.

As I continue to heal this herniated disk in my neck, I've decided to become curious about pain and learn what I can do differently when I experience it. I just finished the book Why I Hurt by Adrain Louwe. In all my 19 years of having a neurological illness, it's the most game changing and easy to read neuroscience based book about pain I've ever read.

They say that knowledge is power. Knowledge is also freedom. Understanding how the brain responds to pain, or even the fear of pain is helping me to better manage both my injury and my illness.

As a person who is passionate about wellness, it got me thinking about the role fear plays in our weight loss journeys. It's why for several years I got in my own way while trying to lose weight for the gazillionth time.

Change is downright uncomfortable. I prefer to hum along in my nice and cozy comfort zone. What makes me really uncomfortable is unpredictability. That's why it was easier to stay 40 pounds overweight than it was to lose the weight. I knew how to be tired. How to be sad. I knew what it felt like to have no energy. To box myself in. To avoid the hard. To limit myself. And I sat in those feelings like toddler running around in a dirty diaper, uncomfortable yet not quite ready to be changed.

I feared what my new life would look and feel like and what I'd look and feel like (but it feels oh so much better than I ever imagined). I feared losing friends and gaining friends (and both happened). I feared people would judge my efforts or give their two cents along my journey (and they sure did). I feared that I wasn't disciplined enough (turns out it's not so much about discipline as it is consistency). I feared I'd mess up (and of course I did). I feared that I'd lose the weight and gain it back (#reallifehappenssometimes).

These fears are real, but they don't have to stop us from reaching our goals.

The thing about fear is that it's all about perception. If you asked me to hold a snake I'd be terrified (not sure I'd do it by the way) but many reptile lovers do it every day. The snake is scary depending on how we view it. It's the same with weight loss.

We must change our mindset in order to reach our goals. Because if we are afraid, the brain starts sending out S.O.S. signals and we are unintentionally blocking our own process. Our brain goes into self protection mode and will send us back to our old habits because they feel better. The cool thing is that the choice is ours. We get to choose how we see the journey and how we view ourselves along the way. We hold the power.

Once I started viewing my pain in a different way, moving my mindset from victim to victor, I was filled with a sense of peace.

I've been working with an awesome PT to help me to push past my fear of pain. Until I'm willing to push through past it, I won't be able to move forward. I'm realizing that I'm fearing a perceived fear. I'm fearing the "what if" and that's super unproductive (but a natural reaction).

That's why it's important to focus on the day at hand. Not what you looked or felt like in the past. Not how far you've fallen. Nor how far you have to go. Just today. Just the next meal or movement. One healthy choice at a time. Instead of fearing the future we can embrace the unknown.

I am working on saying "God, I'm open to what you put in my path today." Keeping my mind and heart open to change. Replacing the "F word", from "fear" to "faith". Faith in myself. Faith that change is possible. I also want to be grateful for my current circumstance, no matter what phase of life I'm in. Gratitude also brings about peace and reminds me that my life is abundant.

The choice is yours. Make a choice. Commit to the choice. Continue with courage.
Hugs & friendship,
Tara

.

Settle for More

In what area of your life right now are you settling? Your wellness/fitness? Your job? A dream you want to pursue? Your marriage? Your finances? Your friendships? Your education?
The next question is...why?
There are plenty of reasons as to why we settle. Because change is so damned hard. Because fear of the unknown is paralyzing. Because addressing the issue at hand might just turn your entire life upside down.

A few weeks ago I had an aha moment during an appointment with my spine doctor. He's been treating me for a herniated disc in my neck which is triggering my trigeminal neuralgia and has turned my life inside out. I did (yet another) neck pain analysis and we determined that my pain at that time was a 2 (much better than the 10+) and he seemed tickled. He leaned back in his chair almost like he was going to clap his hands together like it was a done deal, I was healed. Now I do really like my doctor and he has a great reputation and his job is pain management and in that aspect, I suppose he succeeded. But I was thinking "WTF!!! The only reason my pain is low is because I'm not doing anything...for the love of Pete!" <insert lots of cursing here>

I didn't truly embrace a wellness lifestyle (nutrition, movement, self care, prayer, meditation, sleep, positivity, stress management) until I was 40 and it was only 3 years ago (at 43) that I discovered how much I love being fit and active. I have waited most of my life to get to this place. A place in which I feel delighted with every aspect of my life- mind, body, spirit. A place in which I feel whole. Where I live my life around being active and enjoying that time with my family. Here is my doc asking me "Is level 2 pain manageable for you"? Ah, n-o. And so I made this collage of the active life I have built for myself and my family. A lifestyle I've used to help others embrace fitness and wellness and I took it to my next appointment. Because it's taken me all these years to see that I was settling and was living a shell of myself, minimizing my potential because I didn't think that I deserved more or could even do or be more. I made myself small and I boxed myself in due to the limits that I put on myself. 

For so many years, I didn't think that I was good enough. In some ways I thought that I had to earn my way to being more. Through people pleasing, rule following, perfectionism. And so I just survived, went through the motions and accepted less. Less in my relationships. Less in my finances. Less in my job. Less in my wellness. It's crazy the limiting beliefs that we put on ourselves but I can say that if you look at my childhood and the trauma I went through, my adulthood makes sense. I have created a zone of safety for myself. Because I fear judgment. I fear rejection. I fear failure.

In 2012 my family and I went to Guatemala on a mission trip. It was a risk for me because of my trigeminal neuralgia. The climate, construction noise, food, uncertainty, all potential pain triggers. But it turned out to be an incredible life-changing experience and I promised God that whatever He led me to, I would say yes. That was a grand promise while I was in Guatemala, but when I got home, it was a little tougher to put into practice. It took faith, trust and a belief that something/someone greater than me is guiding my life. But I've done it. I've said yes over and over again. Risking failure, risking feedback (man oh man, perfectionists hate feedback). And every yes has led me to where I am today. Becoming a Weight Watchers leader. Starting a wellness related small group in my church. Opening myself to new friendships. Organizing Saturday morning fitness classes at my church. Becoming a Beachbody coach. Becoming a fitness instructor. Expanding my reach on social media. Being willing to put myself out there for people to judge me. I've shared my story of being sexually abused and my recovery. Starting my Color Street business. Taking on a new role at work. I have listened and I have tried to go wherever God wants to take me. I want to be obedient, even when I'm afraid. I want to continue to live my best life. By continuing to say yes even when I'm terrified. By being open to new experiences that feel paralyzing. By pushing past the fear to reach for more.

And so I ask you again "In what area of your life right now are you settling and why? What changes do you need to make to settle for more?"

You are worth the work. You are worth the discipline. You are worth the minor or major life alternations.
Because guess what? You are already more. But we can always get a little bit better. One decision, one action, one change at a time. Believe it and keep moving forward.

Xoxoxo,
Tara

It's OK To Not Be OK

There are moments, seasons, phases of life when it's OK to not be OK. Contrary to many of the pretty, shiny and often fake social media posts...there are times when you just might not have your shit together- and that's OK.

This past weekend, I met up with one of my besties for lunch. She asked me a simple question "but really, how are you doing?" I knew what she was asking, she knew that I wasn't doing that fab and she was giving me the opportunity to talk about it. And so I replied "meh" and then I rambled on a bit and got totally off topic to what I really wanted to talk about. Not because I don't trust my bestie to share my heart (bestie if you're reading this, I love you), but because I wasn't ready to say out loud what I've been feeling for a few months now- I'm not OK.

Last night at my REFIT class during our post-workout discussion, I got a little emotional. I couldn't get out of class soon enough (REFIT ladies if you're reading this, I love you) because I knew that an ugly cry was about to commence. When I got home, I said to my husband "we need to talk" and so it all came out along with some tears. An aside, my husband has been my best friend since I was 17 and knows me like no other. He is a patient listener and in general a saint for putting up with me. Husband, if you're reading this, I love you.

I started in with "I'm not sure I'm OK"...

Have you ever gone through a time in your life when things seem a bit off? That's where I'm at. Not necessarily depressed or anxious (I've been down that road before), but lost and restless. As I've blogged about before, it's been a year of change and while I don't think this is a mid-life crisis (gasp I am at mid-life), I've lost my way a bit. I've lost my focus and dare I type this, my purpose. Not my purpose for life so don't get all freaked out and worried about me if you're reading this but that statement will hopefully make more sense as I go on.

As my "kids" are now 25 and 19, I'm not really needed much in the parenting department anymore. Well, I'm needed, but not in that day to day grind. So last summer to fill that void I became a certified fitness instructor. It was great to learn something new and to challenge myself. It kept me mentally and physically busy. I launched a class at my church and things were humming along. And then, injury. Little did I know it (it took almost 8 months to get the proper diagnosis) but I have a herniated disc in my neck. And while I don't want to ramble on and on about it, the disc is sitting very close to my trigeminal nerve and it has flared up my trigeminal neuralgia (think child birth lightening bolt pains in the head) something fierce. So I had to stop leading class and my mobility is limited. As I was hashing this out with my husband last night, I came to the conclusion that 2 of the main things I use as coping mechanisms for my illness I cannot do because of my herniated disc. I can't exercise much (not what I usually do to heal and relieve stress) and I can't do DIY/art work which also keeps me occupied and content. Many times my neurologist has recommended counseling to deal with my illness, because it can be a real pisser. Until now I have found other positive ways to deal with it. And God has blessed me with some serious mental fortitude. But this herniated disc has emphasized just how much my illness takes from me (and my family and friends), so I'm considering the counseling.

I could blog (and I have before) about focusing on the things I can do, as I firmly believe in the power of taking control of your thoughts and actions. I could talk about how my life is truly abundant, and it is, and about how I should be grateful. But what I really want to write about is that feeling of not being OK. I don't like it. Feeling "meh" or "blah", that sense of complacency. Because I am a go getter. I like to be driving toward a goal. I'm extremely impatient. I don't do well with stillness. I'm not a dweller. Yet here I am like a toddler in a dirty diaper, sitting in it. And it's downright uncomfortable. I do believe that for a moment, a season, a phase of life, it's OK to sit in it. Sometimes it's necessary. To acknowledge, to feel, to accept that our feelings are true. That what we feel is real. To cry, lament, scream, beat our chest. Yes, life could be worse and yes, life could be better but this is how life is feeling in this moment, Fortunately I know it won't be forever.

You may be sitting in it right now. A marriage on the rocks. An issue with your child. Job loss. Death. Addiction. Illness. Injury. Change. A life transition. And it sucks. And some well meaning people are going to give you all kinds of platitudes. But sometimes we want to hear that it's OK to not be OK. In this moment, in this season, in this phase of life, it's not OK, but it will be.

I've had this song in my head all day- Exhale by Plumb.

It's okay to not be okay.
This is a safe place.
This is a safe place.
Don't be afraid.
Don't be ashamed.
There's still hope here.
There's still hope here.

No matter what you've done or who you are.
Everyone is welcome His arms.

Just let go let His love wrap around you.
And hold you close.
Get lost in the surrender.
Breathe it in until your heart breaks.
Then exhale.
Exhale.

Breathe it in and exhale my friend. No matter what you're facing, let God's love wrap around your heart. As I type this I'm exhaling because I know that God's got me. It fills me with a sense of peace. He has lead me to this very place. As uncomfortable and lost as I feel, I know that this time in my life is for my good, my growth and His glory. And so I welcome it, gratefully broken.

Hugs and friendship,
Tara

PS- If it's been a good while and you're still not OK, it may be time to get some help. Seek wise counsel, from a friend, a family member or professional. You are not alone and you don't have to go through it alone.

Changing my Weigh

A little over 2 months ago, I was tossing around the decision to try Beachbody's new nutrition program the 2B Mindset. My biggest challenges to overcome were:

Facing the scale on a regular basis
Veggies Most
Believing that I could lose weight without exercise

As I was seeing some awesomesauce results coming in from my Beachbody friends, I cast my doubts aside and decided to give it a whirl.

After month 1, I wrote this post about my love/hate/hate/hate/hate (did I mention hate) relationship with the scale and how my mindset was starting to shift.

http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2018/05/lost-my-weigh_10.html

As I just closed out month 2, I thought I'd share my continuing shift in mindset.

Facing the scale on a regular basis
It seems like a bit of an oxymoron, but facing the scale on a more frequent basis has released me from the bondage I've felt to the scale my entire life. Fear of the scale was literally weighing me down. My weekly weigh ins used to cause anxiety and stress. What the scale showed could ruin my entire day. Blah! Life is stressful enough, know what I mean? One of the premises of the 2B Mindset is to weigh in every day. The reason behind this is to simply view the scale as a tool to help you to assess your journey and recalibrate your choices as needed. I was super duper afraid of this premise because as a recovering perfectionist, this could seriously mess with my mind. I was fearful that I could become obsessed with it. But as it turns out, the more frequently I weigh in, the less afraid I am. And let me emphasize, this is not because I'm having rockstar weight loss weeks every single week- I'm certainly not. I have fluctuated between the same 2 numbers, I have lost and I have gained. I am not weighing daily but I am weighing in 3 times a week. Monday so I can see how I did over the weekend and I can break the mindset of "eating whatever I want" on the weekend and "getting back on track" during the week. Wednesday as a mid week check in. Friday as a reminder to not go ape shit crazy with my eating over the weekend. This pattern is working for me. It may not work for you. Maybe every day works for you. Maybe once a week works for you. But here's the deal and my biggest revelation- the scale doesn't lie. Of course our bodies will fluctuate due to hormones, water weight, strength training and so forth. But all in all, the scale is a tool that reflects our efforts- the good, the bad and the ugly and I'm OK with that. I know full well that when I weigh in and have a gain, that I will look at my tracker and see that I've been making crappy choices.

Veggies Most
Due to my absolute hatred of veggies, I should probably dedicate a whole post to this topic. But let me break it down for you. If I can try and eat new veggies, anyone can. Before the 2B Mindset my veggies were starches- peas, corn, potatoes (and oh I did like green beans). I set a goal to try 2 new veggies a week. I must admit I got "all veggied out" by the end of month 1, but I did it. And lo and behold I found a few new veggies that I like. Roasted/grilled peppers, onions, carrots. Sautéed snow and snap peas. And the biggest shocker, cauliflower rice. As a matter of fact I've got Asian chicken in the crockpot and I'm serving it over cauliflower rice tonight for dinner. My biggest veggie issue is texture. So I keep trying different ways to cut and cook veggies and I'm hiding more and more veggies in my recipes like spinach in my lasagna rolls and cauliflower rice in my stuffed pepper skillet instead of brown rice. My 2nd biggest veggie issue is appearance. Broccoli is a no go as it looks like little trees. Snap peas look like caterpillar cocoons (I got over this one). Zoodles look like worms and I've tried zucchini every which way but it's still a no go. I know, I need counseling. The bottom line is that I did find some go to veggies, I'll continue to try more and my health is all the better for it. Coming from the woman who is a veggie detective and used to pick them out of everything, including getting the chunks of tomatoes out of chili- change is possible. Full disclosure, I am still not eating veggies most, but I am eating veggies more. Progress, not perfection.

Believing that I could lose weight without exercise
Once again, I need to write an entire post on this. I have used exercise to compensate for "treats" my entire adult life. If I had a donut, I'd do a Core de Force kickboxing workout and burn off the 500 calories. The 2B Mindset promised weight loss without exercise. It was challenging to wrap my mind around this yet I know for sure this is possible and true. Abs start in the kitchen. I know that nutrition is everything and exercise is a bonus. Yet I have fought against this because...well...I love sweets...and food...and to eat...Yet as I went into month 1 of the 2B Mindset, I also had a herniated disc in my neck and I could not exercise. In the past I would have just waited until I could exercise to start a new program. But I went for it and guess what? You can lose weight without exercise. I'll be darned, the scale went down!

So that's my report at the end of month 2. The knowledge I've gained about nutrition on this program is more than I learned in my 20 years of being a Weight Watcher (disclaimer I still love Weight Watchers, it works). The 2B Mindset has truly shifted the way I eat and how I view food. It's a comfort to know that I'm not "on a diet" I am just living my best life. I am choosing foods that will fuel my body and leave me feeling satisfied. I have dropped the "woes me I can't have this" deprivation mindset. I am having treats. Food freedom means being able to find a way to eat better for the rest of my life and treating my body with respect and care, while enjoying myself along the way.

Hugs and friendship,
Tara