It's OK To Not Be OK

There are moments, seasons, phases of life when it's OK to not be OK. Contrary to many of the pretty, shiny and often fake social media posts...there are times when you just might not have your shit together- and that's OK.

This past weekend, I met up with one of my besties for lunch. She asked me a simple question "but really, how are you doing?" I knew what she was asking, she knew that I wasn't doing that fab and she was giving me the opportunity to talk about it. And so I replied "meh" and then I rambled on a bit and got totally off topic to what I really wanted to talk about. Not because I don't trust my bestie to share my heart (bestie if you're reading this, I love you), but because I wasn't ready to say out loud what I've been feeling for a few months now- I'm not OK.

Last night at my REFIT class during our post-workout discussion, I got a little emotional. I couldn't get out of class soon enough (REFIT ladies if you're reading this, I love you) because I knew that an ugly cry was about to commence. When I got home, I said to my husband "we need to talk" and so it all came out along with some tears. An aside, my husband has been my best friend since I was 17 and knows me like no other. He is a patient listener and in general a saint for putting up with me. Husband, if you're reading this, I love you.

I started in with "I'm not sure I'm OK"...

Have you ever gone through a time in your life when things seem a bit off? That's where I'm at. Not necessarily depressed or anxious (I've been down that road before), but lost and restless. As I've blogged about before, it's been a year of change and while I don't think this is a mid-life crisis (gasp I am at mid-life), I've lost my way a bit. I've lost my focus and dare I type this, my purpose. Not my purpose for life so don't get all freaked out and worried about me if you're reading this but that statement will hopefully make more sense as I go on.

As my "kids" are now 25 and 19, I'm not really needed much in the parenting department anymore. Well, I'm needed, but not in that day to day grind. So last summer to fill that void I became a certified fitness instructor. It was great to learn something new and to challenge myself. It kept me mentally and physically busy. I launched a class at my church and things were humming along. And then, injury. Little did I know it (it took almost 8 months to get the proper diagnosis) but I have a herniated disc in my neck. And while I don't want to ramble on and on about it, the disc is sitting very close to my trigeminal nerve and it has flared up my trigeminal neuralgia (think child birth lightening bolt pains in the head) something fierce. So I had to stop leading class and my mobility is limited. As I was hashing this out with my husband last night, I came to the conclusion that 2 of the main things I use as coping mechanisms for my illness I cannot do because of my herniated disc. I can't exercise much (not what I usually do to heal and relieve stress) and I can't do DIY/art work which also keeps me occupied and content. Many times my neurologist has recommended counseling to deal with my illness, because it can be a real pisser. Until now I have found other positive ways to deal with it. And God has blessed me with some serious mental fortitude. But this herniated disc has emphasized just how much my illness takes from me (and my family and friends), so I'm considering the counseling.

I could blog (and I have before) about focusing on the things I can do, as I firmly believe in the power of taking control of your thoughts and actions. I could talk about how my life is truly abundant, and it is, and about how I should be grateful. But what I really want to write about is that feeling of not being OK. I don't like it. Feeling "meh" or "blah", that sense of complacency. Because I am a go getter. I like to be driving toward a goal. I'm extremely impatient. I don't do well with stillness. I'm not a dweller. Yet here I am like a toddler in a dirty diaper, sitting in it. And it's downright uncomfortable. I do believe that for a moment, a season, a phase of life, it's OK to sit in it. Sometimes it's necessary. To acknowledge, to feel, to accept that our feelings are true. That what we feel is real. To cry, lament, scream, beat our chest. Yes, life could be worse and yes, life could be better but this is how life is feeling in this moment, Fortunately I know it won't be forever.

You may be sitting in it right now. A marriage on the rocks. An issue with your child. Job loss. Death. Addiction. Illness. Injury. Change. A life transition. And it sucks. And some well meaning people are going to give you all kinds of platitudes. But sometimes we want to hear that it's OK to not be OK. In this moment, in this season, in this phase of life, it's not OK, but it will be.

I've had this song in my head all day- Exhale by Plumb.

It's okay to not be okay.
This is a safe place.
This is a safe place.
Don't be afraid.
Don't be ashamed.
There's still hope here.
There's still hope here.

No matter what you've done or who you are.
Everyone is welcome His arms.

Just let go let His love wrap around you.
And hold you close.
Get lost in the surrender.
Breathe it in until your heart breaks.
Then exhale.
Exhale.

Breathe it in and exhale my friend. No matter what you're facing, let God's love wrap around your heart. As I type this I'm exhaling because I know that God's got me. It fills me with a sense of peace. He has lead me to this very place. As uncomfortable and lost as I feel, I know that this time in my life is for my good, my growth and His glory. And so I welcome it, gratefully broken.

Hugs and friendship,
Tara

PS- If it's been a good while and you're still not OK, it may be time to get some help. Seek wise counsel, from a friend, a family member or professional. You are not alone and you don't have to go through it alone.