Have you ever prayed for something so big that you were almost afraid to pray for it? Because you were in a moment that felt so fragile that you couldn't bear the thought that God wasn't listening. That He didn't see you. That He didn't hear you. That you believed that change would come and yet nothing happened.
Many years ago, our Pastor did a sermon on praying big prayers. The message was that God is greater than our biggest problem, our biggest fear, our biggest heartache. But we are afraid to ask for the unimaginable because we stopped believing it was possible.
How many of you are currently obsessed with Ted Lasso (on Apple TV)? If you're not watching it. Stop what you're doing, sign up for the free trial and binge, binge, binge. Ted (we're on a first name basis) has a relentless optimism that often times we lose when real life hits us.
It's hard to believe when we're faced with the really tough stuff like divorce, death, illness, job loss, addiction, rejection, complicated family dynamics, anxiety, depression...Or even the everyday stuff like being a parent, a caregiver to a loved one, finding work-life balance, redefining our careers, managing our finances...It can suck the belief right out of our souls.
For 18 years, every single evening (6,570+ times) I raised this prayer to God "Lord, please find a way to heal me from my trigeminal neuralgia. I believe that you are working for my good and I trust in your plan for my life."
If you're just getting to know me, you can read about my illness in previous posts. In short, trigeminal neuralgia = severe, long term, chronic suffering. It is like being electrocuted in the face by lightening over and over again until all you can do is lay in bed and cry. And crying just makes it hurt more. It's a pain that causes desperation. It's nicknamed the suicide disease because some people decided they could only escape the pain by killing themselves. Many medical journals note it's the most painful affliction known to mankind.
And it tested my faith.
I questioned God. I was angry with Him. Yet at the same time, knowing that He is an all-loving, all-providing, grace-giving, miracle working God- brought me comfort. And so I prayed "Lord, please find a way to heal me from my trigeminal neuralgia. I believe that you are working for my good and I trust in your plan for my life."
Then my prayer changed.
A few years ago when it became evident that this would be a life long illness for me (I mean, c'mon it had been 18 years of relentless praying), my prayer started to shift. "Lord, even if you don't heal me, I trust you. I believe that you want the best for my life. Let me be peaceful with this plan. Let me be present, patient and positive. Help me to continue to believe in your goodness. You are my leader, my forgiver, my hope and my savior. I love you."
I realized that I was holding on too tight to how my life should be instead of letting go and accepting the life that God had given me with all of the goodness and the brokenness.
And once I let go something funny happened, God worked a miracle. It's a long medical story (if you're curious you can read about it here), but I've been healed from my trigeminal neuralgia for 2 years and 2 months and counting! I have not taken a med for my neuralgia since October of 2019 and at one point I was taking meds like candy. I thought I was going to have to go out on disability. My life outlook at times was grim.
In the picture on the left in 2017, I'm medicated and on an ice pack trying to freeze block the nerve pain. There were times when I couldn't open my jaw to eat, to talk. Many days it hurt to smile. When my family couldn't touch me because it generated more pain. Moments of hopelessness.
In the picture on the right in 2021, I'm celebrating! I had various pain triggers but my worst trigger was cold weather. It was almost instant-pain for me. For many years it prevented me from doing anything outside. Being at my son's soccer and baseball games, going out with family and friends, even picking out our Christmas tree.
Yet here I am in the mountains of Utah in the cold weather and I am soaking in the moment of being able to be outside in nature without pain. I was surrounded by God's majesty. The way the sun reflected off of the snow. How crisp and fresh the air was. The rich, deep scent of the evergreens. The soft sound of the snow dripping as it melted. The brilliance of the bright blue sky. The ability of my body to live and move and breathe without pain. "Lord, let me be present, patient and positive. Let me be peaceful with this plan."
I want to continue to approach my life with peace, gratitude and awe. Knowing that God is full of miracles if only we dare to believe.
Never give up hope.
XO,
Tara
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