Just Hold On

Last week it was time to say goodbye to my good old laptop. I was filtering through and saving the most important stuff, my pictures, and came across this one. I remember how I really hated taking the pic, but I needed to create a work profile pic so I didn’t really have a choice. It’s amazing how that one pic can jolt me back to how I felt at that time in my life.

I was barely holding on. Only those truly close to me probably knew it and most I’m guessing didn’t. I was completely and utterly lost and defeated. My chronic neurological illness had beaten me down to where I started to lose hope. And I’m a rather hopeful person so it takes a bunch of crap to break me down. Besides being in almost daily physical pain, topped with the lightning bolt pain that comes with my neuralgia, my life wasn’t panning out the way I wanted it to. My job? While I was thankful for it, I was far from doing what I enjoyed but honestly I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to do with myself when I grew up. I was struggling big time to lose even a pound of weight. I was disgusted that I had gained almost everything back I had lost on Weight Watchers. And while I kept trying to get the scale to move, it just wouldn’t budge.

Of course I had many blessings in my life. My husband and kids, family and friends, an awesome church family. Our finances were pretty solid. Overall good health (minus the neuralgia part). Yet I was feeling pretty restless and unsatisfied. My kids were in their pinnacle of busyness, multiple sports and activities per kid made our week nights and weekends a blur. I had gotten so caught up in the idea of being Ashlee and Josh’s Mom that I didn’t realize I had lost who I was and what I wanted. I wasn’t even really sure what I wanted, I just knew that there were some great things in store for me, I could just feel it.

I remember sitting in my acupuncturist’s office for my first appointment. I just broke out in a sob because I was so darned exhausted. I said to her “I just can’t do this anymore. I am at the edge of my rope.” At the time I didn’t realize that I was talking about more than my chronic pain. Life wasn’t working for me, but I couldn’t figure out what wasn’t working or really what I wanted.

If you’ve followed my blog at all, or know me well. You know how far I’ve come since that time. I am absolutely incredulous at how the pieces of my life have fallen into place since then to make this new me. This is the part that’s hard to explain, how it feels. It feels peaceful yet energizing. I am at complete peace with the person I am yet driven to keep getting better. I’m not a sports person (by far) but this must be what I feels like when an athlete is in the zone. When all of their training leads to their moment.

What I realize now is that it’s a culmination of everyday moments that lead to these big moments. I could not see it then, but everything (even the super crappy stuff) was breaking me down to build me up into someone stronger. The career path I’ve taken, the friendships I’ve made. Growing my faith through church groups and missions. Learning to focus on my health, being willing to explore holistic treatment options. Writing this blog, writing for Grace & Such. Taking control of my eating and behaviors. Becoming a Weight Watchers leader and now becoming a Beachbody Coach, helping others while learning how to run my own business. 

I’m so ecstatic about this life I’m living that some people might want to smack the enthusiasm right out of me. Maybe you’re one of them- LOL. But if you know me, you know, I’ve worked my ass off to get here. 

I’m writing this because I want this for you. If you’re feeling lost, stuck or at the end of your rope- just hold on. Hold on for dear life dear friend. What you may not realize is that in this tug of war called life, people are pulling for you. Dig in your heels, and pull hard in the direction of your dreams.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara