To the weight loss warriors of 2016,

I feel you. I feel your frustration. I hear you that you are fed up with the trying, with the starting and stopping, with the losing and gaining. Sick and tired of the endless cycle of what sometimes feels like hopelessness.  Let’s just call it what it is- freaking exhausting- a suckfest of sucktastic proportions.

I’m writing this because I never thought I’d be here, at goal for going on four years now. Healthy. 40+ pounds lighter. Living my best and most energized life. Feeling downright giddy about being well. Looking and feeling better in my forties than I did in my twenties. But here I am…I made it!

I’m writing this because I remember how desperate I was, just to get the scale to flipping move (in the right direction) and I know how hard it is to keep the momentum going. We’d like weight loss to be a sprint, yet in fact it’s an endurance run. And the mileposts keep changing. And sometimes it rains on the run and the trail gets foggy and we lose our way. We lose our spirit. We lose ourselves. Because we’re so tired of doing, so tired of trying, so tired of failing.

As my last post of 2015, I thought I’d capture what I would have told myself way back in 2011, when I was first starting back on my wellness journey.

You’re doing the right thing. You’ve made the choice to be well. You picked a program that works for you, a program that’s proven. Don’t be swayed by the quick fixes and fad diets. It took years to gain the weight and it’s going to take time and a crap load of hard work to lose it. Stay the course.

Set a weight goal and put a timeline to it. Instead of I want to lose weight. Be specific. I WILL get from X to Y by when. Make sure the goal is realistic. Not the weight you were in high school (for me at least, that was a long time and a few kids ago).

Create some non-scale goals. My goal was to lose one pants size and feel better in my clothes. I’m still a little dumbstruck that I lost 4 pants sizes. I had no idea it was even possible!

Surround yourself with people who are like-minded, who are healthy or are working their way to good health. I forget which comedian said “if you hang around 4 stupid people, you’ll be the fifth.” Join a support group online or in person. Head to a wellness event in your area. Subscribe to wellness magazines, blogs. Buy wellness related books.

Invest in yourself. If you cannot invest in yourself, you might as well stop this journey right now. Being well requires some self-centeredness. You’re going to have to learn to say no to some things and to say yes to things that scare you. Think about the work you’d put in if you went back to school or started a new job. You’d study. You’d prepare. You’d network. You’d set the time aside to put in the work. Weight loss requires work and it requires commitment. I think that this is one of the biggest reasons why folks don’t reach their goals. They are not willing (or ready) to put themselves first.

Ditch the diet. We are an instant gratification society. When we go on a diet we make temporary changes that lead to quick results. Embrace the small changes. One pebble in the ocean can change the current. Make one small change and build on it. You will be amazed at what you can accomplish.

Think about the thinks you think. I can affirm that for many years I was the reason that I did not reach my goal. For years I tried to lose weight, but I got in my own way, over and over again. I’d encourage you to pause here and to really tune in to the emotions of why you’re not getting where you want to be. I’m guessing you have the know-how and most likely you have the tools and support. I’m guessing that you also have the willingness. There is something stopping you, holding you back from achieving the very best health you desire. Maybe it’s the fear of the known- you know that you get half way to goal and quit. Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown- what will life be like after you reach your goal? What will that new person look like? Feel like? Live like? What if that means that other things must change too? Maybe it’s the fear of failure- what if you reach your goal and then can’t maintain it? Whatever the reason- dig deep- it’s there.

For the love of Peter, Paul, Mary & Joseph- KEEP GOING!!! I’ve blogged about this. I’ve talked to groups about this. IF I had quit, I NEVER WOULD HAVE REACHED MY GOAL. Please, please, pretty please on top of cheese with strawberries, DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

Love yourself where you are while working toward who you want to be.

You’re worth starting. You’re worth planning. You’re worth prioritizing. You’re worth 

investing.

You’re Gods precious gift, a one of a kind. Loved. Cherished.  

Now- cherish yourself.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

So What? Now What?

So here we are. We decked the halls and then some. Christmas gifts opened. Friends and families visited. Traditions followed. Memories made. House a little messy (well mine is anyway). And possibly, it’s a slight possibility that we may have mildly over-indulged.  You know- just a little taste here and there, a little nibble, a little lady-like bite.  That last part makes me think of the book I’m reading that’s set in the mid 1800’s. I’m seated in the parlor, just setting up for afternoon tea. I’m fixing to have a dainty bite of scone. I’m the picture of self-control, demure even.  I’m wearing little white gloves. I’m appalled at the idea of eating so much that my corset might burst. So I politely nibble while mastering a rousing round of conversation.

That’s exactly how my Christmas calories were consumed, slowly, savoring each bite. Filled with self-control I was… Ok, let’s be honest. My Christmas calorie consumption was a little more along the lines of Fat Bastard in Austin Powers. OK, maybe not quite that bad, but you get the idea. This holiday season, I didn’t have to worry about bursting out of my corset because I was wearing yoga pants. And not just any old yoga pants, the special kind, the kind with the stretchy waist band that you wear when you don’t actually intend to do yoga. Unless it’s food related yoga poses like chocolate chip cookie to mouth- yes, let’s hold that pose for 30 seconds- until the chocolate chips melt- good, very good.

I went into the holiday week with great intentions. My intention was to remember that it was only a holi-DAY. Not a holi-week or a holi-month. I started the week strong. I tracked my eating, got in my activity. My goal was to allow for indulgences on Christmas eve and Christmas day- that’s it. But once I got a taste of sugar, I was like Buddy the Elf, all of the sudden sugar became my four food groups. I even had cake for breakfast because well…it’s filled with breakfast foods- milk, butter, eggs- it’s practically an omelet.

So here I am. My holi-day went into holi-days. It’s Monday. The get-togethers and left overs are winding down and it’s time to regain control of my eating. I’m happy to say that I’m tired of indulging. It was fun, for about a day. Really. I don’t like the way I feel anymore when I’m not eating right. I don’t like feeling tired and sluggish. I don’t want to take yet another nap to avoid reality. If you’re like me and you got off track…

Don’t –

do some crazy detox or fad diet.

self-punish or self-berate. It’s over. It was only a couple of days. So what?

Do –

set specific goals.

offer yourself some grace. It’s over. You made some not so wise choices. Now what?

It’s time to get back to basic goal setting and planning.  Let’s get to it:

1) Start with one small daily goal. I will *insert your goal here*.

2) Make a plan to change. To reach my daily goal I will change the following behaviors *insert your “I WILL” behaviors here*.

3) Make a plan to stop. To reach my daily goal I will stop the following behaviors *insert your “I WILL NOT” behaviors here*.

Write these down. Keep them in front of you. Take it one day at a time.  

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Believe and Achieve

Today I was texting with a friend about the good choices we were making throughout our day and how hard it is to make those choices.  I texted “it’s not easy, but we’re worth the work.”

She texted back “what do you do on the days you don’t feel worthy?” And I answered “well- sometimes I eat like crap and then beat myself up. But most times I remember that God desires me to believe I’m worthy. That He wants me to see myself as worthy because He does.”

This text conversation and an article I read the other night made me pause and think about the idea of self- belief. The article was about emotional intelligence (EQ), to read more click here. Part of the article talks about self-motivation. That people with a high EQ are motivated by their own desire to do well.  I’ve been self-driven as long as I can remember.  I always want to do my best work, to excel, not for recognition, but to know that I’ve done something in an excellent way. I’m this way in pretty much everything I do. Yet for years, there has been one area that I struggle with, weight loss.

Isn’t that interesting? Those who know me know that I am super driven. Yet there have been days, months, years that I have not been able to reach my goal weight. This is what had me thinking about self-belief. How can you believe in yourself when you’ve failed before? Even harder, how can you believe in yourself if you’ve never seen yourself at a healthy weight or it’s been a long time since you have?

There were years when the struggle was real. I felt like I was traipsing through mud. I’d take a few steps forward and then I’d get stuck.  I started to sink so deep I had no idea how to dig myself out. The weight loss process can be slow and murkey and can be so tiring it starts to drag you under. Soon you start to question your ability to succeed. This can lead to limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are when we base our current beliefs on past behaviors. Soon enough we start to believe the story we’re replaying over and over again. Years can go by, and we’re not the same person that we used to be, yet we’re still judging ourselves against those standards. This is not only limiting, it can be crippling. If I based my self-belief on my past behaviors, I’d still be overweight. Truth!

As the new year approaches, I challenge you to think about how you currently see and talk to yourself. Do you believe that you can reach your goals? Or do you fall into the Eeyore camp? I’ve tried this before so why bother (did you just read that like Eeyore)? There is really something to be said about the idea of fake it til’ you make it. It’s like being a distance runner, even though you can’t see the finish line, you keep moving forward, one step at a time. You know that eventually you'll finish the race.

What do you want to accomplish in 2016? Do you believe that you can achieve it?

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship, 

Tara

That Girl

Some days I just want to throw in the towel, I want to say the hell with it and eat whatever I want.  I don’t want to track my foods or weigh and measure them. I don’t want to make healthy choices. Some days I want to eat my body weight in chocolate. I want to order the fries instead of the healthy side. I want to eat the whole dessert. Some days I want to drink a big tall icy cold Coke. Or have the butter on the popcorn at the movies. Because being well and staying well, it’s just damned hard. Hard enough that I’ve cursed *gasp* twice already in this post.

When my husband and I were going through FPU (Financial Peace University), I remember Dave Ramsey talking about baby fits. Any long term journey that takes discipline can be exhausting and when our endurance is tested, the baby fits come out. You know them- the temper tantrum, life’s not fair, pity party table for one, I hate doing this, other people don’t have to- baby fits.

That’s just about how I’m feeling right now. Tired. Slightly unmotivated. Holiday distracted. Complacent.

So tonight, I’m giving myself a pep talk in the form of this post. To remind myself of why I’m doing what I’m doing and I hope that in some way it helps you to stay on track or to get moving in the right direction. I’m doing this because I don’t want to be that girl anymore.

I don’t want to be the girl who used to take the elevator to go up ONE flight of stairs at work because she was too tired to carry all of her work stuff plus her body weight up the stairs. I want to be this girl who treks up THREE flights of stairs at her doctor’s office with a spring in her step and vows not to hold the banister to get an even better workout.

I don’t want to be the girl sitting on the edge of her bed ready to burst into tears because the fifth outfit she tried on to wear out to a party doesn’t fit anymore. So she decides just not to go out. I want to be this girl who is (still somewhat amazed) to be able to go into a fitting room and actually feel good about what she is wearing and sometimes, on occasion even feel (dare I say) sexy.

I don’t want to be the girl who stayed inside the beach house on vacation because she was too tired to carry the beach gear and her body weight to the beach. I want to be this girl who loves to be active on vacation with her family, to take walks, bike rides, go kayaking and play games.

I don’t want to be the girl who was tired ALL the time, who slept more than she should, sometimes just because life itself was overwhelming. I want to be this girl, who is energized and ready to tackle the day because she knows that something amazing could be in store.

I don’t want to be the girl who was afraid to go to the YMCA because she was too big and everyone would be staring at her and what if she did something wrong because she still feels like the last girl to get picked for the team in gym class. I want to be this girl who realizes she can be strong and fit and that maybe, just maybe there’s an athlete inside of her just waiting to be unleashed.

I don’t want to be the girl that used food as her medicine to fill all of life’s voids and pains, to ease the hurts. I don’t want to be the girl who thought food was her friend.  I want to be this girl. The girl who believes that food is a way to nourish and take good care of her body.

Some days I just want to throw in the towel, I want to say the hell with it and eat whatever I want.  I don’t want to track my foods or weigh and measure them. I don’t want to make healthy choices. Some days I want to eat my body weight in chocolate. I want to order the fries instead of the healthy side. I want to eat the whole dessert. Some days I want to drink a big tall icy cold Coke. Or have the butter on the popcorn at the movies. Because being well and staying well, it’s just damned hard.

Yet most days, I want to be this girl. All it takes is a simple reminder of what’s harder than being well and staying well-it’s being that girl.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

The Imperfect Diet

I’ve been trying to lose weight just about my whole life, sometimes with great success, sometimes with great struggle.  My first encounter with a diet was in my early teen years. I was in a baton twirling corps (because I’m cool like that) and to get into the senior corps, you had to be a certain weight. Gasp, can you imagine if an organization did that today?!? But this was the early 80’s and everyone was Jazzercising. Each week at practice they weighed you in. I knew that I was not small enough to make the corps even though I was very talented (if I do say so myself), and that I’d have to lose weight. I had no idea what I was doing and back in the days of no Internet and limited resources, I did my best to lose the weight. I exercised a lot and ate less and voila- I reached my goal and got promoted to senior corps. To maintain that weight I had to constantly obsess about what I ate, it just was not a maintainable weight for my body type. And so began one of my damning self-concepts that to succeed I had to be thin.  

Little did I know that being on a diet was detrimental to my health. I mean, it has the word “die” in it. Even today when I Googled the definition of diet most results came back as “a special course of food to which one restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons.”  In my world, dieting became a way that I measured my happiness. If I had a good weight loss week I was on top of the world and if I had a gain, I would be in a bad mood for days. During those times, I thought of dieting as a means to an end, as a way to get from point A to point B. The faster I got from point A to point B, the better- because that meant that happiness was right around the corner. For the most part, I was an A+ Weight Watcher. I lost 40 pounds in 6 months. I was a woman on a mission.  I reached my goal and I felt fabulous. Yet this overwhelming fear was ever present, the fear of gaining all of the weight back. It followed me around like a shadow, I couldn’t shake it. If I had a week where I gained, I self-berated. I over-analyzed. I’d throw myself into a tizzy thinking that everything I had worked so hard for could disappear, just like that. I’d lose control and I’d lose who I was.

It wasn’t until I went through Weight Watchers again in my forties that I learned that perfectionism and dieting don’t play well together. Elizabeth Gilbert said that “perfectionism is fear in really good shoes.” It’s the couture fear. We look good and fancy from the outside but on the inside we’re falling apart. I am a perfectionist, a black and white thinker- an all or nothing kind of gal. Yet this time around I made some significant changes to my thinking and approach.

• I dropped the word diet. Who wants to live a life of restriction? I chose to focus on being well and living well. Instead of deprivation (what I couldn’t have), I started to focus on how good it feels to take care of my body.
• I realized that the journey was not from point A to point B. While of course I still had an end goal, the changes needed to come from what I learned during the journey. Wellness is so much more than an end result. It’s about all of the cool things you discover along the way.  
• I untethered myself from the scale. Before when I would have a weight gain it would take over my whole week and send me into a major tailspin. Since I had failed, I would just quit and get back to the “diet” another time. For a while that was a never ending and vicious cycle. Of course I use my weight as a measure but it is only a piece of my overall wellness. I refuse to let the numbers on the scale hold me captive.  On a week when I gain I do my best to remember how hard I’ve worked, how rewarding it feels to be well, to have more energy, to make good choices. I pay attention to my clothes fitting looser, being able to walk a little farther or that my body feels stronger.
• I accept that messing up (say eating an entire sleeve of Oreos) is nothing but a lesson learned. It’s a side step in the dance. I love this quote “Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward, is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” Don’t let a misstep bring your entire journey to a screeching halt. Brush yourself off and make note of what you learned. Maybe you can’t keep that trigger food in your house or need to plan better before you go out to eat. Make a slight adjustment and move forward. Stay positive and present focused.   

There is no perfect diet because we’re not perfect people. More than likely, we’re going to screw this thing up. That’s life. It’s messy. We’re messy. That doesn’t mean that we won’t reach our goals, it just means we’re going to have to love ourselves through it.  If you step backward, step forward again. 

Embrace the cha-cha.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Slow and Steady Maniac

2015 has not been a stellar fitness year for me. It started out with one of the coldest winters on record which meant I was stuck inside with my neuralgia and had to find creative ways to exercise from home. Then I fractured the same foot bone- twice! Two weeks ago I had vein surgery on my lip and I find myself once again on exercise restriction.

Yet ironically enough, I’m in the best physical shape I’ve been in 18 years. 2015 could have been the year that I threw in the towel. Old Tara certainly would have. Old Tara would have gleefully used these limits as a perfect excuse to cozy up on the couch, read a good book (or ten) and binge watch some great shows. She would have succumbed to that all or nothing attitude- well if I can’t get a good calorie burning workout in- why bother?

New Tara? I’m not having it. I worked too hard to get to where I am- healthy, well, energized, and comfortable in my body. New Tara realizes that small slow changes make a lasting impact and eventually get you to your goal. I'm a slow and steady maniac! 

Today I walked on the treadmill at 2.5 miles an hour for 30 minutes. This is vastly slower than I’d usually walk. I could say that I ONLY walked a little over a mile or I ONLY burned 207- calories- why bother? What difference is it going to make? Will it make a difference in my weight loss/maintenance this week, maybe? The difference is that I choose to keep moving. It keeps me emotionally and physically well- my mind, heart, lungs- every single organ gets stronger, better with every step.

2015 has been a test of my willingness. Am I willing to do what it takes to stay well? To find new ways to move my body while stuck inside this winter? Yes! To buy a stationary bike (Craig’s List) when I’m only allowed to use a bike while wearing a boot and stuck inside this winter? Yes! To show up at my personal training appointments while wearing said boot, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to work as hard yet knowing that I was still working? Yes!

My past few weeks of post-surgery recovery have been way worse than expected. To quote my husband “I was sold a bill of goods.” Truthfully, I expected to be down a week. Last week, when I was sitting in my doctor’s office getting my stitches removed he asked if I had any questions and I asked “when can I exercise?” Now don’t get all judgy of me here, I’m not an obsessive compulsive exerciser, I just know that exercise is a part of my overall wellness regimen. If we could take a moment of silence here to remember old Tara who looked at exercise as a chore, exercise as overwhelming, too embarrassed by her size and physical limits that she wouldn’t even go to the YMCA…

So the doctor answers that he’d like me to rest for two more weeks and normally this would send me into an emotional tailspin and I’d go into an overeating-feel-sorry-for-myself-binge for two weeks. Not this time! I’m walking it, slow and steady. Not focusing on what I can’t do, focusing on what I CAN do.

Often I think that we don’t start something because we can’t do it well enough (or at least that’s how I feel sometimes). So we don’t.even.try. Gosh if we stepped back and looked at that, we’d realize how counterproductive it is.

When life’s obstacles get in the way, just keep going. Don’t try to keep up with others, just do you. Make the choice and find a way to be the best, healthiest version of you.

Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

I Love Fall

Is anybody else reading this glad it’s back to school time? Being a working mother of two, I know that back to school brings mixed emotions for Moms, Dads and all caregivers alike. Me? I always tended to do the happy dance when back to school came around. Not to say that I don’t love my children as much as Beverly Goldberg (great show on ABC check it out). I love my schmoopees! I also love getting back into a routine.

Fall is such a great time to get back to a predictable wellness routine or to start a new one. Not just because of the awesome play on words “fall into a routine” but for many reasons. Let’s start with the weather, we get to leave behind that awful humidity and breathe in that crisp air. Each day as the leaves change we get a front row seat to the amazing beauty around us. It’s such a great time to get outside and get our bodies moving.  Fall brings to mind abundance and gratitude. As the seasons change, we get to experience a whole new variety of fruits and vegetables.  Nothing tastes better than a meal prepared from farm to table. What a cool excuse to go out and visit a farmers market and to support the local economy. I don’t know about you but Fall just reminds me how grateful I am to be alive, to be given one more day to do life with my friends and family.

When I was a Weight Watchers leader I used the season change to remind my members to take a pause to check in and see how their wellness routines were going.  It’s a good time to evaluate and re-calibrate. Since weight loss and overall wellness is a lifetime gig, sometimes we can get off track and we don’t even realize it.

As the season changes, I encourage you to take a look at the wellness program you are following. Is it working for you? Are you working it? I mean really doing the work? 

The list below is what I use as my wellness report card. They are the guidelines I use to keep myself on track. Yes, they happen to be the Weight Watchers guidelines and although I don’t work for Weight Watchers anymore, I do believe that the program is practical and doable for life. You may have your own guidelines to add/subtract, the important part is that you check in with yourself and see how you’re doing:  

·         (5) fruits & veggies

·         (1-2) servings of lean protein

·         (2-3) servings of non-fat/low fat dairy

·         Swap out processed foods for whole grains

·         (30+) minutes of activity per day

·         (6) servings of no sugar added liquids (avoid diet sodas if you can)

·         (2) servings of healthy oils

·         Multi-vitamin

·         Limit eating out

·         Watch your sodium & sugar intake

·         Be sure to have an occasional indulgence (key word: occasional)

·         Keep an eye on portion sizes

·         Keep a journal of what you eat and drink (no fibbing)

My kids call me the President of NerdCo and when it comes to school and learning, I don’t deny it. I love to learn, about myself, about others, about everything! I think that this love of learning has served me in my wellness journey because I want to get better. 

Not perfect, better.

Before the holiday chaos and deliciousness, before the New Year’s resolutions, take some time for you. Take a look at where you are and where you want to be, then put a plan in motion to make it happen.

There is no better time to Fall in love with being a healthier version of you.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Awakening

It’s funny, when I started seeing a personal trainer back in May- I did a fitness assessment and as part of that assessment they asked two questions:

1) What is your biggest obstacle?

2) What is your level of confidence?

My biggest obstacle was patience. I want results and I want them NOW. My level of confidence was high. I had a “can do” attitude; I was psyched and ready to go!

Yet when I got to the gym I thought to myself- what am I doing here? Gyms are only for fit people. As I was talking to my trainer he said that’s one of the reasons people never sign up, because they wait until they are fit enough to do well. Isn’t that ironic? It’s like cleaning your house before the cleaners arrive.  I felt that way at church too, that I couldn’t lead or participate in a group because I didn’t have enough spiritual knowledge. I let that fear hold me back for years- ridiculous! Now I see that I am a work in progress. God is OK with that and that the goal is progress not perfection.

I was talking with a friend of mine about our weight loss struggles and she mentioned that in high school she used to be an athlete. I responded back that there is still an athlete inside of her; she just lost touch with it. That got me thinking, could I be an athlete? Highly unlikely as I was always more of an art, poetry, dance kind of girl. Yet I posted the word athlete to my vision board a few weeks ago.

If an athlete is a person trained or gifted in exercises or contents involving physical agility, stamina or strength; why can’t I be one?

Before I signed up at Passion for Fitness, I had many excuses as to what I could or could not do. I could not do squats due to bad knees. I could not do much arm work due to bad wrists. As I was working out on Monday- doing kettle bell squats, wall squats, planks, bar push ups- I had a little out of body experience. I was looking in the mirror thinking- who IS that girl? She’s doing everything she said she couldn’t do.

I wonder how many times you’ve stopped and started something because of a preconceived notion that you couldn’t do it. Or worse, have never tried something new for fear of failure.  

Have you ever tried something new because someone believed in you? I’ve been fortunate throughout my life that although I had some tumultuous moments, there has always been that one person who believes in me, who encourages me to just give it a try. This is why I like to invest in people, to show them their possibility and their unique gifts.

What would it take for you to try something new this week?   

What if I told you that you have an all-loving God who has faith in you? He’s your biggest cheerleader. He doesn’t care if you stumble, he’ll love you through it.

What can you do this week that awakes your soul? That makes your heart go pitter-patter with excitement?

Do that!

Take pride in how far you have come and have faith in how far you can go.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Lost and Found

Have you ever gone through a time in your life when you felt a little lost? Maybe you’re there now?  Like a sailboat missing its sails, or even worse that you’re up the creek without a paddle?

Stranded. Stuck. Aimlessly drifting.

That’s the way I felt about six months ago and it continued on for quite some time. Not only did I feel like I was stranded, stuck and aimlessly drifting; I felt like I was flailing about, not sure how or where to expend my energy.

I blogged about it. I cried about it. I prayed about it. I whined about it. I festered about it. I prayed about it some more. I asked God to give me some direction. I listened for him in the quiet places- and nothing.

I became frustrated. I felt like there was something really fantastic in store for me, that it was within my grasp, but I couldn’t find it. I felt really lost (and a little sad and a lot agitated).

This past spring, Leanne Stolpe came to speak to a Moms Group that I was involved in. Leanne is a Life Purpose Coach, to learn more about how she can help you, click here.

Leanne’s group session was truly a God send to me. It was just what I needed and didn’t even know I needed it. That night, after the session, I could not get to sleep. My mind was reeling. I was jazzed up! Ready to make a change! My heart was aflutter! That night, into the wee hours of the morning, I grabbed a note book and drafted a five-phased plan on how I wanted to get my life back on track.

If we can pause here, my husband cracked up that I didn’t just start with a Phase 1, that I went all the way to Phase 5 which spans several years. That’s just me and how I got my nickname “over the top Tara”.

While I was writing fast and furiously, I realized that I knew what I wanted all along. I know where my areas of passion are. I know what inspires me. I was stranded, stuck and aimlessly drifting for a few reasons:

1- My departure from being a Weight Watchers leader shattered my confidence.

2- My fear of failure stopped me in my tracks from trying something new.

3- I became overwhelmed by the big picture of change and didn’t know where to start.

One of my favorite wellness sayings is that “if you fail to plan, you plan to fail”. I had a purpose (we all have many of them), what I needed was a plan.  

Fast forward to today, and I am thrilled to share that I’ve achieved Phase 1 and Phase 2 of my plan! The rest remain on my vision board, in plain sight where I can keep my goals in front of me.

It’s funny, I was trying so hard to tune into God’s plan for me that I missed out on the fact that God can take us only so far- we need to actually do the hard work to make our dreams a reality.

I am so thankful to have found my way again, to be feeling energized, focused , motivated and ready to help others to feel the same.

Your journey does not have to define you, let it refine you. If you feel lost at sea, may hard work and perseverance keep you moving in the right direction and faith in God and yourself be the beacon lights your way.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. MAKE A PLAN! Ask for help. Continue with courage.
  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Dear Holley-

You don’t know me, but I’ve been praying for you all week. Your fundraiser came through my Facebook newsfeed and because I also have Trigeminal Neuralgia, I wanted to learn about your story. Holley, my heart aches for you as you are living my worst nightmare and greatest fear. That you have reached the point where you need to put your life on hold and explore repeated surgical options for relief.

I was diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia in 2002 at age 29 which is young for the illness. At the time my daughter was 9 and my son was 2. My illness has run the spectrum over the years, from less severe atypical facial pain- numbness, spasms, slight stabbing- to the earth shattering lightning bolts of pain that just take your breath away and seemingly take your life away.

One day when I was sobbing in his office, my neurologist said to me “no-one will ever understand your pain” and that was so validating because no word could ever capture the severity of the pain, or the gravity of the toll it takes on not only your life, but the life of your loved ones.

Today I am blessed to have a pain mitigation regimen that is working for me. It is a combination of acupuncture, exercise, eating right, meditation, prayer, positive thinking and prescription meds.  Because of what I’ve faced, I am truly grateful and mindfully present in every pain free day that God gives me.

I also know that there might be a time when my illness regresses and I am back to the point where I was in 2010, in constant severe pain, at the edge of my rope. Trying any form of treatment that might work- desperate for relief. Taking heavy meds that made me lose my mind and my memory. Attending a support group that was more depressing than uplifting. Wondering if I would have to quit my job. Feeling guilty because my husband had to do everything for me and our kids. Having days where I could not move from bed and would not move my head for fear of triggering new pain. I remember going to church one day and wanting to sing with the hymn but I couldn’t open my jaw so I just let the tears silently roll down my cheeks. There were days when I could not eat. There were days when I wondered how I could continue living that way.

I write a wellness blog and every once and a while I write about my neuralgia, because it has a direct impact on my mental and physical well-being.  In my latest post I touch on one of the worst pain attacks I’ve had in years: http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2015/07/share-your-selfie.html. It also talks about hope in the face of suffering.

It is my prayer that this post gives you encouragement.  Please know that even people that don’t know you are praying for you.

To my blog readers, please take a moment to read Holley’s story, lift her up in prayer and consider donating to help cover the costs of her medical expenses: http://www.gofundme.com/pesinafam.

DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE Holley, it is the greatest gift that God offers us. With Him in our lives, there is always hope. Even on the days when I lie in bed in pain and all I can do is cry, I say thank you Jesus, because I’m still alive.  He gave me another day.

Many people with this illness become crippled by fear- afraid to do anything that might cause them pain. Afraid to live life. I work really hard to live out my mantra- I choose faith over fear.

Praying that God sends you relief in the form of this surgery and alternative treatment options and that He gives you the strength and courage to live your best life through it all.

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Share Your Selfie

While for the most part I love Facebook and the ability to connect with people, to be inspired, to learn something new.  There is one thing that bothers me about the platform- it allows people to post and share picture perfect lives that we all know aren’t quite so perfect. With the ability to filter and edit pictures, why should we put the bad stuff out there- air our dirty laundry?

I’m guilty. Sometimes I see someone post a not-so-flattering selfie and I think H-E-L-L-O, you have a smart phone, do a re-take. But it goes far deeper than this.  Facebook allows people to post the best moments in time of their lives and I think that for the everyday Joe, with real life struggles this can cause feelings of jealously, comparison, emptiness, loneliness, isolation and feelings that they are less than.

Over the past few days, I suffered with one of the worst neuralgia attacks I’ve had in a long time, maybe in years. I dealt with relentless stabbing pain in my head that persisted for 12 hours straight with no rest or respite that usually comes with my prescription medicine. I’ve posted about this kind of pain before. It’s the kind of pain when you just lie in bed and cry, you pray to God asking Him to make it stop and you do this over and over again, bartering, holding your breath, hoping for a break. Yet the pain still comes. I finally got some relief almost 24 hours after the pain started by calling my neurologist and asking him to prescribe me an alternate medicine.

I took this photo during a moment of rest and while I was hesitant to share it, I feel it’s important for people to see me. Not just the best me, but me. Broken. Exhausted. Rock bottom. Me.

This picture made me think of a sermon that our Pastor shared on Sunday called “Sick as Our Secrets”, to watch it, click here.

It made me think of friends and family who are suffering silently, not just with illness, but with real life struggles. They might smile on the outside but their insides look and feel like this picture. Broken. Exhausted. Rock Bottom.

They might struggle with addictions or have someone in their family that does. They might be one paycheck away from homelessness. Or their heart is heavy missing a departed loved one or a loved one who is in prison. They might be stuck in a loveless marriage or an abusive one. Maybe they are reeling from a mistake they made, a poor choice and they don’t know how to begin again. Perhaps they’re trying to mend a broken relationship and they don’t know how to make it right. Maybe they ache for a child they lost or they never will have. Or they long to find a place where they belong. 

So much hurt. So much darkness. So much physical and emotional pain. They carry around secrets and every secret weighs them down making it harder and harder to walk through life.

I’ve been there. I’m still here. I’ve dealt with family secrets that almost destroyed me. But I’m still here. Because I trusted someone. I talked to someone. I bared my soul to someone. I took a risk. I told someone I wasn’t perfect. I shared my fears, my inadequacies, my regrets, my pain, my shame. I asked for help. I realized that I was only as sick as my secrets.

Darkness and light cannot exist at the same time.

I heard this song for the first time tonight. It reminded me that God’s love shines brightest during the darkest times.  

Doesn’t matter how deep how dark the night is, keep hoping, keep on shining. And they’ll see his light burning in your heart. And if the road is rough just keep your head up, let the world see what you’re made of. That his love’s alive in your deepest parts.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jb1TTADzf9Y

You are not alone. You are never alone.  Share yourself with someone. Share yourself with Him.

You are not your shame. You are not your pain. You are not your past. 

There is a way out. Hope waits for you. Help is here for you. 

You can shine right where you are. God loves you where you are. Ask Him to meet you where you are.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

One More Try

This picture reminds me of a time (2005) when I was trying (yet failing) to get control of my weight. I was going to Weight Watchers meetings with a friend during lunch. I was doing the right things (well in my mind I was) but the scale wouldn’t move.

I wanted to write about how I was feeling during that time to encourage you that you can move past whatever you’re facing right now to get to where you want to be.  WALK THROUGH THE FEAR. 

“You can’t let one moment in time define your LIFE time!” – Steve Harvey

When I was a Weight Watchers leader, I saw many people get within 10-15 pounds of their goal and they got so frustrated they stopped.  PLEASE NEVER EVER STOP.

From about 2005-2010, I was relentless in my pursuit of wellness (well in my mind I was a rock star). I visited a bunch of Weight Watchers locations (because clearly it wasn’t me, it was the leader) and tried every exercise fad out there. Yet the scale only moved upwards.

As the scale increased my frustration and discouragement did too. I started the talk of shame.

“I’m probably just destined to be a little fluffy. Many of my family members are heavy. It’s in my genes, why fight it? I was a heavy kid, I’ll most likely be a heavy adult. I’m tired of trying. Tired! Losing weight is hard. Why can’t I be naturally thin? Food tastes so good. I hate feeling deprived. Why am I hungry all the time? How can I succeed at everything else except weight loss? I’m so weak. I’m embarrassed that I gained my weight back. I hate shopping in the plus size section. I can’t believe that I went up another size. I’m a failure.”

If you are having this dialogue with yourself, I feel you. My heart hurts for you. The pain is real. The struggle is real. The shame is real. I’ve binged. I’ve hidden food.  I’ve cried. I’ve gotten angry. And then I’ve eaten afterwards to make myself feel better.

I wish I could say that in 2010 I had this magical transformation experience or a specific moment that set me on my wellness journey. If you’ve been following my blog since then you know that I started the blog as a desperate measure to make my weight loss struggle public to be held accountable.

A magic bullet didn’t get me here- hard work, persistence and consistence got me here. NEVER GIVING UP got me here.  Making small changes to my daily routine got me here. Giving it just ONE MORE TRY got me here. Believing that I was worth the work got me here.

During one of my Weight Watchers meetings, I shared with them my weight trajectory from 2005-2010 and even though I was going to Weight Watchers my weight either plateaued or went up. I remember seeing some dropped jaws in the room. My message to them was that if I would have stopped, I wouldn’t be standing there at goal, maintaining a 40 pound weight loss.

I tried to lose weight for 5 years and then guess what? I did.

What if you’re one step away from success and you stop?

I’m begging you- please BELIEVE in yourself enough to give it ONE MORE TRY.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Love Glasses

Tonight, I embark on my next round of sessions at Passion for Fitness and even better, I’m bringing a friend along- wahoo!

As much as I’m excited to continue my wellness journey, I’ll admit I gave it some thought to stop where I am and call it a day. You see, as each week goes by, the program gets harder. This is what I wanted yet it also makes me uncomfortable because I’m not quite sure I believe I can do it. It’s funny, when I was working with the owner doing my pre-assessment questionnaire, one of the questions was “confidence level?” and I answered “high”.  Boy, I must have been really jazzed about the program rating my confidence as high because as soon as I started my first workout I though “oh crap, what did I get myself into!?! I can’t do this”!

Sometimes when trying something new, I get in my own way. Sometimes I get in my own way so much I won’t even start. I’ve also learned that harboring these feelings of self-doubt makes me look for the easy way out- excuses, blame.

When I was a Weight Watchers leader, I could tell who was going to succeed on the program just by their attitude and initial belief in themselves.  Granted, as people saw success during the program, their attitudes might change for the better- yet it was those who believed that they could do it, even during a rough patch that reached their goals.  Whether it was their hardiness, steadfast willingness or sheer determination- what they had in common was a positive mindset. I also noticed that the more I believed in them, the more they believed they could do it. 

I was watching Tony Robbins the other day and he said that “love is the oxygen of the soul”. Look out world! I’m back from vacation, fully rested and watching Tony Robbins! 

It’s amazing how much time and energy we pour into those we love. Whether it’s our children, parents, spouses, friends- there is nothing we wouldn’t do for them. We sacrifice and give beyond measure.

Why then is self-love so difficult?   

Something I’m constantly working on is to stop seeking approval from outside sources and to love myself because of God’s great love for me and great love within me. And to stop judging myself according  to other people’s standards.

Maybe you’ve seen this viral video going around of this adorable baby getting glasses and seeing her parents clearly for the first time? If you haven’t, take a moment to watch it, it is just precious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbOZL8vUClc

Her open-eyed wonder at what she is seeing is so heart-warming. It reminds me of how God looks at me every single day with nothing but love. This is how I want to see myself and the world, with wonder and amazement. I want to be able to see the immense possibility, in myself in others.

I want to show my obedience to God by walking through my fears.  I want to remember that there is nothing He wouldn’t do for me. He has sacrificed and continues to give beyond measure.

Each day I want to put on my love glasses.  

I want to see myself as God sees me.  I want to believe in myself as he believes in me. I want to continue to pursue living an excellent life to honor him- taking the best care of myself and others that I can. I want to continue to try new things and adventures, pushing past my fears and anxieties.

What is something you’ve been meaning to do? What’s something you’ve been wanting to try? What’s holding you back? What’s the worst that could happen?

There’s a good chance that the only person stopping you is you! So put your love glasses on and get moving.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Woman Overboard

If you know me or have followed my blog for any period of time, you are most likely privy to one of my secrets- I struggle with my weight- every.single.day.

I reached my goal (40 pounds down) back in 2012 and have been working my behind off (literally) to maintain the weight loss. It’s not easy; it will never be easy because- I love food! But- it’s doable. As I’ve mentioned before, my approach this time around was different from the last time because I refused to take any drastic measures. This time I pledged to make small incremental changes to the way I live my life, one change at a time and for the most part, I’m walking my talk. That doesn’t mean that I won’t have setbacks.

This past weekend was one of those times and I want to share it with you because I think it’s important to acknowledge when we get off track and to have a plan to get back on track- immediately. Not after the next grad party, not after the next barbecue or holiday- the next day!

For most of you, if I type the words Shady Maple you’ll probably think a few things “oh no she didn’t” and “a dieters worst nightmare.” If you’re not from the area, Shady Maple is a Smorgasbord accompanied by a heavenly store filled with Amish delights and my biggest weakness- donuts. I went there to get ONE donut, to squelch my craving, to eat it, track it and move on. My husband and I stopped there on our way to visit my Mother-In-Law and I really truly only got ONE donut for me- we didn’t even get a whole dozen. We did get a few extras for my son and Mother-In-Law. So we show up to my Mother-In-Law’s and she had gone out and bought us a dozen donuts! Eeeeeeeeeeeh! After having a nice visit and my ONE donut which while eating I might have said “if I’m on my death bed, my last wish will be this donut”, we went on our way.

My plan for the rest of the afternoon was to get back on track. However the magnetic pull of the box of donuts on my counter top was too great and I not only had a second donut, I said screw this and over ate for the rest of the day. I not only jumped ship, I dove in head first.

The good news in this sad tale is that years of behavior changes and solid habits helped me to start fresh the next day. Here are four things to help you to stay afloat when you jump overboard:

1) Adjust your sails. This week on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) I heard the best analogy. The speaker said that too many people view life as a train ride. We hop on, go our route and expect to arrive at our destination. She suggested that instead we look at life as a sailboat. That there will be days when we’re trying to reach our destination and the wind will change and take us in another direction. At that point we either need to adjust our sails or embrace the new direction of our journey. Don’t you just LOVE that? It so applies to weight loss. Sometimes we can be cruising along, giving our best effort when a strong wind comes along to throw us off course. When this happens we must remember that WE have control of the sails and with some slight adjustments, we will soon be sailing in our intended direction.

2) Get your bearings and refocus your energy. Have you ever been in the ocean when the currents get rough? Or worse been caught in a rip current? When things get tough it’s natural to panic. I didn’t learn to swim until the 5^th grade. As some of you know, I was a bit of a ninny. I was terrified of water (still not a big fan of swimming). As I was learning to swim I realized that I not only needed to trust the person who was teaching me, I needed to trust myself. When the weight loss journey gets overwhelming, take a deep breath and be still for a moment. You can’t move forward when you’re disoriented or flailing about. Take some time to stop and analyze where you are. How did you get overboard in the first place? What will it take to get back on board and to move in the right direction? Who or what can help you get there?

3) Ask for a lifeline. Weight loss is not a solitary journey. When taken as a solitary journey, it can be filled with shame, doubt, frustration and anger. Whether you belong to a weight loss group or have an accountability partner- don’t go it alone. It’s too easy to cheat or to put off our wellness until it’s “just the right time” in our lives. Enlist the help of someone you trust. Share your goals with them.  Ask them to hold you accountable. Check in weekly (daily if you need to). Be honest about your progress and your struggles. Celebrate your successes. Weight loss (and maintenance) is hard. There is no need to be treading water when you have someone willing and able to throw you a life preserver.

4) Choose your boat. Now that you’ve had an attitude adjustment, gotten your bearings and asked for help, you need to find the right vessel to take you there. If you’re following a weight loss plan that’s been working for you and you’re just a bit stuck- look at the plan with a fresh set of eyes, like you’re a brand new learner.  Remember what drew you to the program and your successes. I always said about Weight Watchers that “if you work the plan it really works” and I still believe firmly in this. If you’re not currently on a weight loss plan, find the plan that works best for your personality and lifestyle. While I do believe that Weight Watchers is an awesome well-balanced program, it’s not for everyone.  Some of us are sailboat people, some paddle boats, some speedboats and some canoes. You know what I mean. We all move at different speeds and are in different parts of our journey.

I’m happy to report that I did not drown (in donuts) and that I was only off track for one day (although it was a hell of a day) and now that I’m eating better and moving my body again, I feel SO much better. As you’re cruising toward your destination, don’t forget to slow down, inhale that salt air and soak up the sun. Remember why you’re doing this- to be healthy, to feel good, to be energized, to take care of the one body you’ve been given, to <insert your goals here>.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

I Choose to be Well

For a perfectionist, the fear of failure and the fear of trying new things go hand in hand. What if I try something new and fail? What if I’m not good at it? What if I’m not good enough?

I’ve wrestled with these feeling my entire life. I’ve always been a do-gooder, a people-pleaser, a rule follower and most of all an “I’m going to do everything exactly right just so I don’t get it wrong” person.

For the past few years, I’ve been working really hard to push through the paralyzing feeling that comes along with trying something new. As I’ve written in previous posts, it started on a mission trip to Guatemala, when I coined my mantra “I will choose faith over fear” because I knew, I just knew that God wanted more for me and more from me. I knew, and still know that God wants me to trust Him with my life enough to be willing to take those leaps of faith (big or small) to change myself and others. I know that He is greater than my fears, greater than my doubts and that trusting in Him will free me from my self-limiting perceptions.

After Weight Watchers unexpectedly and abruptly gave me the boot this past winter, I was left with wondering what’s next?  I know that I want to help others to live their best life and without WW I need to find a way to do that.  And in order to help others, I need to help myself too. This past long LONG LOOOONNNNGG winter of being stuck inside due to my neuralgia and the cold slowed down my wellness progress a bit, I gained a few pounds. I’m so glad that spring is here, it’s the best time to bloom.

Last week after visiting several fitness outfits in the area, I decided to sign up for personal training at Passion For Fitness in Phoenixville. I immediately loved their philosophy and staff. Yet I was absolutely terrified to go to my fitness assessment. What if I can’t do what they ask? What if I’m not strong enough? What if I’m not good enough?

On the day of my assessment I laced up my sneakers and gave myself a mirror pep talk much like Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live. It went something like- I am strong and courageous. I am excited about taking good care of my body.

The owner Joe is phenomenal, he made me feel instantly welcome and at home. He was tough yet encouraging, just what I needed. I tried my best to shake it off when I couldn’t perform a move or when I fell trying to do a deep squat. Ouch! It amazed me how I’ve come so far in my wellness but that a simple fitness assessment could drudge up memories from the 1980’s and those stupid presidential physical fitness tests that I never could pass because I was an overweight kid. Running a mile? Never! Let me see how many times I can tie my shoes during that mile. Timed sit ups? C’mon my belly is too big to sit up. And don’t even get me started on the dreaded rope climb! I had standing appointments with the school nurse during all presidential physical fitness tests and field days. Mrs. Webb (the school nurse) and I were on a first name basis.

For a few moments of my fitness assessment last week, I felt like that chubby kid- self-conscious, awkward. Then I remembered, those feelings, they are all in my head and they are all made up, by me. If I tell myself I’ve never been an athlete, and I won’t ever be one, I won’t be. If I tell myself I’m not a runner, I won’t be. If I tell myself I’m not fit, or not healthy, I won’t be. It all goes back to the premise of:

Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t- you’re right.

I believe in the immense and profound power of words, both thought and spoken. I believe they have the capacity to tear us down or build us up. I believe that we can adjust our attitudes and that we can indeed change our minds and behaviors, one small change at a time.

In my forties I’m healthier, more content and joyful than I was in my twenties because I finally get it. It may have taken me a while, but I get it. I control my choices, my attitude, my lifestyle and I choose to be well.

I choose to fight my fears. I choose to embrace change (even when it’s scary). I choose to love myself, to know that God loves me for who I am and to recognize that He wants me to be my best me.

I choose to not focus on who I was but who I can be while staying grounded, present and content in the here and now. I choose to open my eyes and see myself the way that God sees me- full of limitless potential.

I choose to be well- won’t you join me?

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Spring Forward

I can’t believe that it’s been four years since I began (for the umpteenth time) my weight loss journey. On March 26, 2011, I penned my first blog. It was really a blog to help me to get my head on straight and to get my feelings down and out of my system. If it helped someone along the way, that was an added bonus.

I remember the feeling of absolute desperation I had during that time. I was so fed up with myself, of the starting and stopping, of the trying and failing. I was going to WW and could not get the scale to move. It was really not the program’s problem, the program works. It was my problem- I wasn’t really (let’s be honest) doing the work. I was so disgusted and discouraged. I’m usually a self-motivator, a doer, a go-getter, a high achiever- yet I could not conquer the beast. I felt so deflated, like such a failure. I felt like giving up. Why try again when you’ve tried and tried and tried- and failed?

When I meet people who have reached their weight loss goals, I often wonder what was the spark that finally prompted them into action? Personally I find it so perplexing to have tried and failed at something so many times, only to finally succeed. That means I had it in me the entire time. What was different this time around?

There was this female fitness enthusiast on the Today Show this week and she said, loosely quoted, “there are not many things that you can control in this world, but you can control what you put in your mouth and how often you move your body.” Truth! I would add that you can also control your attitude.

As I reflect over the past four years, I want to share what I did differently in the hope that it will help you to find your way in your own wellness journey.

1- I focused on wellness and not on weight loss. This allowed me to concentrate more on putting good food in my body and physical activity and less on how quickly the scale was moving.

2- I acknowledged that this was going to be a long and permanent process. No quick fixes, no extreme measures.

3- I changed how I talked to myself both out loud and on the inside. Moving from words like can’t, trying, thinking about to can, doing and will. There is great power in your words and thoughts. Two books that have really helped me with this are:

Taming Your Gremlin by Rick Carson

Change Your Brain, Change Your Body by Daniel Amen

4- I recognized and accepted that I would have setbacks and that I would not let them define me or thwart my journey.

5- I banned all excuses- busyness, work/family stress, being an emotional eater, family history of obesity, inability to exercise/dreading exercise, lack of support, lack of resources (time or money). I took sole responsibility for my wellness.

6- I asked for help and recruited an accountability partner that would keep it real with me.

Spring is a time of rebirth, when everything is made new again. It’s a time for second (and third and umpteenth) chances.

It’s a great time for a fresh start. Notice that I didn’t say that it’s the perfect time for a fresh start. There will never be a perfect time to start. Something or someone will always be vying for your attention, and winning. You have to make the choice and the commitment to put yourself first, to carve out this time, to invest in you.

While many things in life may get in the way, I found that the biggest thing that was getting in the way was me.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

In the Meantime

It’s hard to believe that I wrote the below post almost two and a half years ago. It’s about me finally deciding to take the leap and become a Weight Watchers leader, a decision that was many years in the making.

http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2012/08/why-weight-watchers.html

When I reached my goal (the first time around) in 1997, I was so jazzed up about the program, and about feeling great, that I wanted to be a leader. However I was petrified! So I let my fear of public speaking and my lack of belief in myself, hold me back.

Fast forward to 2012, that summer my family and I went on a mission trip to Guatemala. When I came home I made a pledge to continue to try new things and to leap out of my comfort zone to honor God and his faith in me. In less than a week after our return from Guatemala, I had submitted my application to be a Weight Watchers leader and in the fall of 2012 I became a certified leader.

Unless you are a close friend or family member, you won’t understand how significant this was for me. I am terrified beyond belief of public speaking. To the point that I when I took a public speaking class in college I would run to the bathroom beforehand and throw up. I didn’t even finish the class, I dropped it. I am such an introvert that I get locked up and tongue tied even when speaking for meetings at work, basically anytime the attention is on me I start to sweat, my throat closes up, my stomach goes nuts and my heart starts to flutter.

This goes deeper than a fear of public speaking; it’s a fear of being judged and not being good enough. That someone won’t like what I have to say or I won’t be articulate. I have always been a people pleaser and a perfectionist and have cared WAY too much about what other people think.  I don’t like the unknown, being caught off guard or possibly not knowing the answer to a question.

Just making it through the WW training was an accomplishment. I spent many minutes in the bathroom (I’ll spare you from the details) and in front of the bathroom mirror giving myself a pep talk that I could do this.

What was different this time around for me is that my desire to make an impact, to help people changes their lives for the better, overcame my fear.

My first few weeks in the WW meeting room were treacherous. If you’re one of my members reading this, you’re probably shaking your head and laughing. I was a hot, nervous mess. Yet (I hope) that my passion for the program and my absolute love of helping people succeed overcame at least some of the mess.

Several times my nerves got the best of me and I wanted to quit. Yet sure enough, week by week, I started to relax. It was really hard not to worry about what my members were thinking about me. When I got into my own head and started to worry, I needed to remind myself that this was not about me, this was about them.

Little by little, I started coming into my own style, not trying to replicate anyone else- I realized that I just needed to be me.  And all of the sudden I was having so much fun!

I cannot explain the sheer joy that I felt every week seeing people transform right before my eyes. Not so much the physical, but the emotional changes. Witnessing people who came in with their heads down, so discouraged and slowly as they lost the weight they gained confidence in themselves. Their whole demeanor changed, they started to get a spring in their step, a sparkle in their eyes. It’s like the song- Joy To the World.

Joy, unspeakable joy. An overflowing where no tongue can tell. Joy, unspeakable joy. Rises in my soul, never lets me go.

Now I find myself at a loss. As most of you reading this know, while I was out due to the cold and my neuralgia, Weight Watchers gave the woman that was subbing my class even though we had mutually agreed on a sub arrangement from January through March. And just like that, the joy is gone.

Honestly, I’m really have a hard time processing it. I am so sad. WW has been a part of my identity for 19 years. I always tell my members, I’m not on the WW program, WW is a part of me. There are two things I can get on a soapbox about- Jesus and Weight Watchers- I’m passionate about telling people about them both.

And so, in a situation that makes absolutely no sense to me, I go back to passion number one. I have to believe that this is a part of God’s plan for me and I must trust in it.

A few years ago, I went through a family situation that turned my life upside down so greatly that I went to counseling. It was a situation that happened to me that I had no control over. I lamented again and again to my counselor that I was at such a loss and felt so out of control. I cried and I cried some more. We talked about the fact that I might not be able to control the circumstance, yet I could control my reaction to it. We talked about the need to accept it, not to like it, not to lessen the unfairness of it all; but that my first step to moving beyond it was to accept that it happened. And then we talked about the need for me to live in the present and to be able to bring my mind back to the present whenever it started to wonder- not fretting about the past, not worrying about the future, staying present.

And so my mantra became I will be present focused and positive. While my situation with Weight Watchers pales in comparison, the same mantra applies.

I have no idea where God is taking me on this journey, yet in the meantime I will be present focused and positive.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara