It’s hard to believe that I wrote the below post almost two
and a half years ago. It’s about me finally deciding to take the leap and
become a Weight Watchers leader, a decision that was many years in the making.
When I reached my goal (the first time around) in 1997, I
was so jazzed up about the program, and about feeling great, that I wanted to
be a leader. However I was petrified! So I let my fear of public speaking and
my lack of belief in myself, hold me back.
Fast forward to 2012, that summer my family and I went on a
mission trip to Guatemala. When I came home I made a pledge to continue to try
new things and to leap out of my comfort zone to honor God and his faith in me.
In less than a week after our return from Guatemala, I had submitted my application
to be a Weight Watchers leader and in the fall of 2012 I became a certified
leader.
Unless you are a close friend or family member, you won’t
understand how significant this was for me. I am terrified beyond belief of public
speaking. To the point that I when I took a public speaking class in college I
would run to the bathroom beforehand and throw up. I didn’t even finish the
class, I dropped it. I am such an introvert that I get locked up and tongue
tied even when speaking for meetings at work, basically anytime the attention
is on me I start to sweat, my throat closes up, my stomach goes nuts and my
heart starts to flutter.
This goes deeper than a fear of public speaking; it’s a fear
of being judged and not being good enough. That someone won’t like what I have
to say or I won’t be articulate. I have always been a people pleaser and a
perfectionist and have cared WAY too much about what other people think. I don’t like the unknown, being caught off
guard or possibly not knowing the answer to a question.
Just making it through the WW training was an
accomplishment. I spent many minutes in the bathroom (I’ll spare you from the
details) and in front of the bathroom mirror giving myself a pep talk that I
could do this.
What was different
this time around for me is that my desire to make an impact, to help people
changes their lives for the better, overcame my fear.
My first few weeks in the WW meeting room were treacherous.
If you’re one of my members reading this, you’re probably shaking your head and
laughing. I was a hot, nervous mess. Yet (I hope) that my passion for the
program and my absolute love of helping people succeed overcame at least some
of the mess.
Several times my nerves got the best of me and I wanted to
quit. Yet sure enough, week by week, I started to relax. It was really hard not
to worry about what my members were thinking about me. When I got into my own
head and started to worry, I needed to remind myself that this was not about
me, this was about them.
Little by little, I started coming into my own style, not
trying to replicate anyone else- I realized that I just needed to be me. And all of the sudden I was having so much
fun!
I cannot explain the sheer joy that I felt every week seeing
people transform right before my eyes. Not so much the physical, but the
emotional changes. Witnessing people who came in with their heads down, so
discouraged and slowly as they lost the weight they gained confidence in
themselves. Their whole demeanor changed, they started to get a spring in their
step, a sparkle in their eyes. It’s like the song- Joy To the World.
Joy, unspeakable joy. An overflowing where no tongue can
tell. Joy, unspeakable joy. Rises in my soul, never lets me go.
Now I find myself at a loss. As most of you reading this
know, while I was out due to the cold and my neuralgia, Weight Watchers gave
the woman that was subbing my class even though we had mutually agreed on a sub
arrangement from January through March. And just like that, the joy is gone.
Honestly, I’m really have a hard time processing it. I am so
sad. WW has been a part of my identity for 19 years. I always tell my members,
I’m not on the WW program, WW is a part of me. There are two things I can get
on a soapbox about- Jesus and Weight Watchers- I’m passionate about telling
people about them both.
And so, in a situation that makes absolutely no sense to me,
I go back to passion number one. I have to believe that this is a part of God’s
plan for me and I must trust in it.
A few years ago, I went through a family situation that
turned my life upside down so greatly that I went to counseling. It was a
situation that happened to me that I had no control over. I lamented again and again
to my counselor that I was at such a loss and felt so out of control. I cried
and I cried some more. We talked about the fact that I might not be able to
control the circumstance, yet I could control my reaction to it. We talked
about the need to accept it, not to like it, not to lessen the unfairness of it
all; but that my first step to moving beyond it was to accept that it happened.
And then we talked about the need for me to live in the present and to be able
to bring my mind back to the present whenever it started to wonder- not fretting
about the past, not worrying about the future, staying present.
And so my mantra became I
will be present focused and positive. While my situation with Weight
Watchers pales in comparison, the same mantra applies.
I have no idea where God is taking me on this journey, yet in
the meantime I will be present focused
and positive.
Hugs and friendship,
Tara
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