The illness I have, trigeminal neuralgia, is a battle of the
wills. I’ve faced and overcome a lot of serious challenges in my life, yet when
I find myself being overtaken with pain so severe that death seems a welcome
alternative, it’s sometimes hard to dig deep and stay the course.
Hazel Grace, the main character (and one of my fictional
heroines) in John Green’s book The Fault In Our Stars describes it best. “There
was nothing they could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an
endless chain of intracranial firecrackers that made me think that I was once
and for all going, and I told myself- as I’ve told myself before- that the body
shuts down when the pain gets too bad, that consciousness is temporary, that
this will pass. But just like always, I didn’t slip away. I was left on the
shore with waves washing over me, unable to drown.”
I know so many people who are suffering right now, from
physical and emotional pain. Suffering heartaches and trauma, dealing with
illnesses and loss that must be so overwhelming that much like Hazel Grace,
they find it hard to fill their lungs and just breathe. One after another,
those relentless waves of pain wrack their bodies, making it hard to come up
for air. It’s during those moments that they question their existence, God’s
existence. They long for just one moment of rest and peace.
This past week I suffered not one, but two severe neuralgia
attacks. For the most part, my neuralgia is manageable, and on a pain level of
1-10 (10 being the highest) I can keep my pain to a 5 or less. However these
attacks, they brought about pain levels of 100+. Pain that feels like the devil
himself brought it on and hand delivered right to my head. Pain when all you
can do is hold still and try to breathe through it, while silently praying to
God for mercy. As I was lying there the one night, riding through the pain and
waiting for the meds to take over, the news story came on about the tragedy and
devastation of the Washington state mudslides. Amazingly, my whole perspective
changed. Here were people who lost all or most of their families. Lone survivors who lost children, spouses and
parents that would somehow, day by day, do their best to move beyond the pain.
And in that moment, I was simply grateful to be alive, to have been given the
gift of another day.
For centuries, many including myself have asked the question
where is the Almighty during our times of suffering? While I don’t proclaim to
have THE answer, I have my answer. This week, I turned to many things for
comfort, one of which was my bible. I re-read the book of Genesis and was
provided with this. “And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am
making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for
all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it
will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I
bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I
will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every
kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life.” –
Genesis 9:12-15.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I see a rainbow, a
sunrise or a sunset, I am struck by the sheer magnitude of creation. I am awed
and humbled by those gifts of beauty that God places before us. I am
overwhelmed by God’s promise of hope, the offering of life now and life
everlasting. I am reminded that in our darkest times of despair, when we think
that we simply cannot make it through another day, that the sun is always
shining behind the clouds. There are days when we cannot feel its warmth and
cannot see its light, but it is there, reaching for us, drawing us in.
Spring reminds me of this hope, a season of fresh starts and
second chances. Just think about the courage and perseverance it takes for a
seed to break through the hard, cold ground. In faith it presses upwards,
before it can ever see the light, reaching, straining, longing, yearning for
something that it cannot see, but knows is there. Working, trusting, believing
that its time will come. And then it happens, in sheer determination it breaks
through the surface, blooming in all of its glory, basking in the radiance of
the sun that was always there, patiently waiting for its arrival. Illuminating
a path so brilliant and so remarkable that it makes us question why we ever
wondered if we’d make it through.
No matter what pain you’re facing right now- DO NOT give up.
During this battle of the wills, this test of your every mettle, this seemingly
never-ending trial, the ground is warming. You are being prepared for your time
of glory.
DO NOT give up before it’s your time to break through, something
amazing awaits you.
Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help.
Continue with courage.
Hugs and friendship,
Tara
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