Because You're Still Here

As I write this I am recovering from a whopper of a neuralgia attack that started two nights ago. When I write whopper and neuralgia in the same sentence- what I really mean is that it was a shit storm of pain. It was a combination of trigeminal and occipital neuralgia accompanied by atypical facial pain. Which when loosely translated means that I had pain in the top of my head, my eye, my teeth, my nose, my ear and the back of my neck, like I said, a shit storm.

I needed to work yesterday so I took lower levels of medication so I could focus. I also needed to take my son to his first job interview, so I needed to be able to drive. I was determined not to miss out on that special first with him. As the evening progressed, so did the pain. I drove myself to acupuncture to see if I could get any relief. The pain was so bad after acupuncture that I wore my sunglasses at night to drive home because the car headlights were too bright. The real insult was that my face and ear hurt so badly that I couldn’t wear my neck warmer to protect myself from the cold and I had to wear my sunglasses crooked so they didn’t touch my ear. By the time I got home, the whole right hand side of my face was untouchable, if anything touched it, including my pillow, I would feel a lightening jolt of pain.

Yesterday’s attack reminded me of a time just a few years ago when this was almost my everyday life. A time when I had so much pain I would just lie in bed and cry. A time when I had so much pain that I couldn’t open my jaw to eat.  When my kids and my husband couldn’t touch or hug me. I was afraid to brush my hair or teeth, for fear of new pain. I couldn’t even smile because it hurt.

It was a dark, depressing and hopeless time.

But I’m still here.

Last night while I was lying in bed, I tried to remain focused on the gift of life. During my prayer time I said- Father God and Jesus, I love you, I trust you and I give thanks that I’m still here.

Life is not perfect, yet it is a gift worth receiving. We are going to face some serious shit storms of physical and emotional pain. We might be broken until we think that we can’t get back up, but we can. Whether it’s the emptiness we feel after a shattered relationship, a divorce or a death. Or the heartache we feel when watching a loved one go through a rough patch, especially our own children. Maybe it’s painful memories from childhood that keep bubbling to the surface that we just can’t shake off. Or the shame of an addiction that just won’t go away.  Perhaps it’s the long time suffering of a chronic or terminal illness.

We’re still here.

As I continued my prayer time I said- Father God and Jesus, I love you, I trust you and I give thanks that I’m still here.  I’ll keep up the fight. I’m not a quitter. I treasure the gift of life. I humbly ask for another day. If you grant it to me I’ll make the best of it, even when I don’t feel well. I’ll grab on to the gift of life with both hands, I’ll clench my fists and I’ll hold the gift tightly to my chest. I’ll be thankful for another breath, another chance, another day.

I’m still here. I opened my eyes this morning and wanted to write this to you. To tell you that the sun is shining and you’re still here. The day has dawned and you’re still here.

You are not your pain. You are not your shame. You are not your past. You are not your addiction. You are not your mistakes. You are not others mistakes. You are not your disabilities. You are not your fears. You are not your shortcomings. You are not your illness.

You are simply you, and you’re still here.

God is greater than your pain. God is greater than your shame. God is greater than your past. God is greater than your addiction. God is greater than your mistakes. God is greater than others mistakes. God is greater than your disabilities. God is greater than your fears. God is greater than your shortcomings. God is greater than your illness.

God is great, and you’re still here.

Take a deep breath, you’re still here.

Give humble thanks, you’re still here.

You are not alone, you’re still here.

Bravely face the day, you’re still here.

Don’t question it, don’t over think it, just accept it.

You're still here and we need you here.

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara