Control-Alt-Delete

Technology, it’s awesomesauce when it works properly, and when it doesn’t, its exasperating! I just love when you call a company for support, you’re on hold forever, you get transferred around a few times, and when you finally get a real, LIVE, person- they tell you to press Control-Alt-Delete.

What?!? A simple re-boot will fix the problem that’s been driving me ab-so-lute-ly insane?!? That’s taken up so much of my time and brainpower?!?

Lately I’ve been feeling like I need mental reboot. I’m heading down a path that’s familiar and unsettling. Between being stuck inside due to my neuralgia and not being able to exercise due to a foot injury, I’m in a bit of a mental funk. The scale is sliding upwards and I’m not at all pleased. 

There are a few things that can happen when we press Control-Alt-Delete:

• The program that we need goes back to its default settings.
• The program that we need is restored to its saved settings.
• The program that we need is updated.

Amazingly, even after being a lifetime member of Weight Watchers for 18 years, I can feel myself slipping back into old patterns, going back to my pre-Weight Watchers default settings. Using food to comfort, getting that taste of sugar and wanting more, not measuring or tracking my portions, using my inability to exercise as a nasty little excuse to stop being healthy.

As a person who is addicted to food, the notion of backsliding into old habits is terrifying. It can happen to anyone. We all know people who have been locked and loaded on their wellness, they’ve lost the weight, they’ve kept it off for a while, they are in the zone- and then, they gain it all back. Whether  public figures or our friends and family.  As I was flipping through the channels the other night, I came across one of winners of the Biggest Loser who gained all of her weight back. How does this happen? One sneaky little pound at a time.

In general, I choose to live my life in faith over fear. Fear is an emotion that we create and have control over. I WILL NOT live in fear of gaining my weight back. I will take control of my wellness- right now!

Starting today, I’m giving myself a mental reboot. I’m pressing Control-Alt- Delete and it’s going to restore my positive outlook and energy. It’s going to renew my belief in myself and my abilities. It’s going to restart my wellness journey right where I am. I’m writing my own program. I choose to erase all failure-related memories. I choose to override a defeatist attitude. I choose to delete my bad habits and restore my good ones- because I have the power to do so.

I am not the old heavy tired Tara. I will not be the old sad depressed Tara. There is no old Tara. She has been long gone. She has been replaced by a women who believes in herself, who will shake off any feelings of discouragement, who is future focused and positive, who knows that she will move beyond this and many other challenges. 

I’m pressing Control-Alt-Delete to begin again, won’t you join me?

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.   

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Sap Suckers

Tonight I was tired! I had absolutely no energy to exercise. Just moving from the bed to my couch would have been good enough. 

Yet I really truly wanted to exercise as I know it’s the best medication to treat my stressful day.

Given the weather, I am stuck inside and I’m a tad bored with my exercise routine- this is part of the problem and also a ready excuse when I need it. ;) So I decided to shake things up, go wild and crazy and download an audio book. I’m pretty sure that God was testing me and getting a good chuckle at my attempt to download my first audio book from the library. It took me 30 minutes and by the time I was done downloading the freaking audio book which ironically was 100 Ways To Simplify Your Life by Joyce Meyers- I was even more exhausted.

First way to simplify your life- don’t download an audio book when you’re trying to get a workout in, eat chocolate instead. Just kidding. Kind of.

Anyway, I geared up, hopped plopped myself onto the elliptical and listened to what Joyce had to say. Tonight, much of the message was around knowing yourself, setting boundaries and saying NO. My favorite part of her message was about pruning away the things and people in your life that take you away from what really matters. She talked about the branches that are on the lower part of the tree, some of them are unnecessary, they are the sap suckers. Those branches need to be pruned off in order for the tree to be healthy and bear fruit. Joyce asked what we have in our lives that needs to be pruned.

While pruning might sound a bit harsh, it’s necessary for our survival. I sure wish that it didn’t take me until my forties to figure out this vital survival skill AND I’m still working on it.

I have to say that since the holidays, starting with Thanksgiving, I have really been struggling with my eating, exercise and motivation and I know that I’m not alone. Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, like there’s just not enough time in the day to get everything done. The more I feel overwhelmed, the more I procrastinate. The more I procrastinate, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the more I eat. Can anyone else relate?

Joyce’s message came at just the right time for me to see that I’ve got some pruning to do. What or who is draining you? Taking away your energy and focus?  Competing for your attention over what’s really important? Draining instead of replenishing you?

A few years ago I had a friendship like this. It took me many years of hurt to realize it was toxic and that we’d both be better off going our separate ways.

I’ve also come to really examine my priorities. I always put people first over things, even if that means that I don’t get those things done. Since I’ve started taking good care of my health, I’ve had to let a few things go. My house is not nearly as clean as it used to be. Now I use those cleaning hours to exercise or prepare healthy meals. Or to do something that replenishes my soul, artwork, writing, meditation, hanging out with a friend. 

What or who is sap sucking your life? I can see a few obvious time-related sap suckers in mine. Television. I could easily spend a few hours a night watching my favorite sit-com line up. Facebook. An easy escape when I’m feeling frazzled. Books. When I’m reading a good book that I just can't put down, all else seems to fall to the wayside.  None of these are bad, however they do drain hours of my time. When I look at how I spend my time to decompress, I see that I could easily fit in some activity, home organization, phone calls, letter writing or whatever else I haven't been getting to- if I plan them out and prioritize them.

Back in the 90’s when FranklinCovey planners were all the rage, they recommended that you schedule time for planning and solitude, right in the beginning of your day. I’ve really gotten away from that and I can feel it. It’s not just time to plan IN my wellness, but to plan OUT my wellness. Planning in what’s good for me and pruning out what’s not.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage. 

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

A Father's Love

If you’re looking for a weight loss or wellness inspiration, you might want to check out one of my previous posts. The fact that I’m writing at well after my bedtime tells me this one’s going to be a little bit different.

I’ve been kicking around a book idea. The story is a love triangle of sorts. It’s about seeking and not receiving love from a family member. It’s about receiving and not wanting love from a family member and ultimately it’s about knowing that the greatest love that I can ever need or want is from my heavenly father.

It’s been tough to write. I’ve stopped and started many times; mostly because some of it is just too darned painful and raw and some of it is fresh. Usually writing brings healing and clarity to me and this time it’s not, which tells me that I haven’t quite found my direction.

While part of my book will be about the complexity of broken family relationships and the need for healing, my intent is to share the hope God gives me now and how he found and repaired me as a lost little girl.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler and I went to live with my paternal grandparents. I lived with them until my grandmother died when I was in middle school and then I went to live with my Dad and Stepmother’s #1 then #2. In high school Stepmother #2 and I didn’t get along so well (that’s putting it lightly) so I went to live with my Aunt and Uncle. There's a whole lot of entertaining family drama in between there. 

As a little girl I often wondered what was wrong with me. I never quite felt like I fit in. I wondered why my Mom and Dad didn’t love me enough to want me to live with them. I felt rejected and alone. I wanted a “normal” family with a Mom and Dad and siblings. Even though I had a wonderful extended family who loved me to pieces, I felt like an outsider. Many times I thought it was surely because I was a bad little girl, and then one day I met Jesus.

I first met Jesus through the love and kindness of the women who worked and volunteered at the Marshallton United Methodist Church, women with great old fashioned names such as Honey, Alice and Florence.  These women hugged me to their chests and told me over and over again how much I was loved by this man named Jesus. I remember how excited I was to be dropped off at preschool or Sunday school. Today, almost forty years later, I can still feel the love that radiated out of those women and that place.

God found me there.

When I got dropped off, all of my troubles went away. I wasn’t a lost child looking for love, I was found. I wasn’t a confused child wondering what my future would bring, my worries were quieted. I wasn’t broken, I was whole.

There is absolutely no explanation as to how I remember exactly how I felt when I was less than five years old during that time and that to this day I can conjure up that feeling of wholeness, of stillness, of belonging. I guess it really is the peace that passes understanding.

I remember standing in the preschool room one day and it seemed as though the world stood still. We were learning the song “this little light of mine” and I was especially enjoying the hand motions that went along with the song. What can I say, I had a flair for the dramatic. I remember how it felt to blow out the pretend candle (my index finger), how that little breath of wind sailed out through my teeth.

Every time I blew out the candle, my heart swelled bigger and bigger. God’s love for me filled me up. I always left there feeling hopeful, almost giddy with his great love for me.  I would run out of the building, braids flying, knowing that I was loved, no matter what. And in that time of great complexity in my life, the simplicity and pureness of that love was enough.

That my friends is what I want to write about. How over and over again, in the lightest and darkest times in my life, God continues to pursue me. I see him in the beauty of a stained glass window. I feel him in the comfort of friend’s arms. I know him through the laughter of my children or the loving gaze of my husband. I hear his quiet whispers. I sense his urgency. I see him in the gifts of others. I feel him in the warmth of the sun. I know him through the pain in this life. I hear him reminding me to keep going. I sense his protection. I am overwhelmed by his grace and mercy.

After all of these years, I finally have finally come to realize that the love of my heavenly father is more than enough. It's a love story that I can't wait to share with you.  

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

Holiday Ho-Ho-Ho’s

It’s only December 2^nd, and with a mere 23 days left until Christmas, I can already feel my stress levels rising. Is it me or is there simply not enough time in the day to get everything done? Getting everything done, ha! That’s almost as much of an oxymoron as work-life balance.  The reality is that we will not get everything done, and we need to be at peace with that. Instead of stressing about getting everything done, we need to take a deep breath and refocus our energy on what matters most.

When push comes to shove and we’re prioritizing our daily to do lists, does our health matter most? Does eating right, exercising, meditation/prayer/reflection become the very last items on your list that usually get task forwarded to tomorrow?

Over the years I have learned just how critical it is to take care of myself- my health depends on it. Everything I mentioned above, eating right, exercising, meditation/prayer/reflection- they are like medicine to me. Being well, both mentally and physically helps me to mediate my trigeminal neuralgia symptoms. So even though I need to work, take care of my kids, spouse, household duties, volunteer responsibilities, and the added holiday pressures of shopping, cooking, cleaning, visiting, hosting, decorating- I must still find a way to carve out wellness time just for me- and you do too! No, you don’t need to carve out time for me, but for y-o-u!

We’ve all heard the cliché “in the case of a flight emergency, you must put on your own oxygen mask before you help the person next to you.” We need to be able to breathe to maintain that hectic schedule of ours, or just like the plane, we’re going to crash and burn. Taking the time to be well boosts our immune systems (especially critical during cold and flu season), increases our energy levels and reduces the release of distress induced hormones such as cortisol and adrenalin.

So how do we not let the holiday ho-ho-ho’s ruin our wellness mo-jo?

1) Schedule in some wellness time. Treat your appointment with the gym, a meditation download or spiritual book as a non-negotiable appointment. There is no reason why we cannot take thirty minutes for ourselves, every single day. What we value is where we spend our time. Invest in yourself so that you can invest in others. To do this, you will have to embrace #2.

2) Learn to say no. This is the most difficult time of year to say that one little word. Everyone wants a piece of us. Already this week I have said no to two social events and I’m just fine with it. My friends and family know that I still love them and want to be with them.  No-one is going to want to hang out with me when I’m overextended, tired, sick or cranky. 

3) Take short cuts. I have dedicated full blog posts to this- I am a perfectionist. Everything I do has to be done just right and a certain way. Ain’t nobody got time for that! When my daughter was younger, she belonged to a certain gymnastics team. The team asserted that the baked goods for the meets must be home made. Hells- no no to the ho ho! I will not be made to feel less than because I had to buy baked goods, you got your baked goods and mine came from Giant- got it? Mission accomplished. OK, so this was many many years ago, in the words of Frozen, I’m letting it go. For some reason, especially during this holiday season, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others. Everything has to be done just so (I blame Martha Stewart). Do your best with what you have on hand and move to #4.

4) Delegate.  When in a supervisory role, I was an effective delegator. I realized that this was crucial to the success of my team and department. I needed to understand my and my team member’s strengths and weaknesses and delegate tasks out accordingly to achieve maximum productivity. At home, I am not the best at this. This goes back to the perfectionist gene- nobody does it quite like me. However, I have come to realize that I simply cannot do it all and stay well. I need to ask for help. Things might not get done the way I want them to, but they get done!

5) Plan and prepare. Usually when we’re overloaded, planning and preparation go out the window. I know that your weekends from now through the new year are most likely over scheduled and a blur. Is it feasible that you take a few hours from Saturday and Sunday to set yourself up for a successful week ahead? For me this means having a house stocked with healthy groceries and having a general idea of my meal plan for the week so that I can make a few meals ahead or at least prep them (with the help of my husband of course). I have also found that taking ten minutes each evening to map out the day I have ahead of me helps tremendously. I look at the next day and evening. Then I figure out how I’m going to manage to eat well, squeeze in some activity and prayer. Sometimes this leads to shuffling around events (if possible), delegating or even saying no.

When I lay my head down on my pillow at night and have my quiet time with God, it’s not often that I thank him for the gift of a painful neurological illness that can pop up whenever it so pleases and ruin my best laid plans. However I do thank him for my life and for the gift of another day and I do my best to make the most of it. For me this means looking for a positive in my illness. My neuralgia has forced me to live well, to want to be well, on the good and bad days.

Remember, God has given you the gift of life- take the time to slow down and handle it with care- it is precious cargo and the only one you've got. 

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Cracked Vessel

Ever had one of those days, weeks, months, years- that you KNOW, you ab-so-lute-ly know that God is working in you? Isn’t it crazy to think that you are on the mind and in the heart of our Creator every single hour of every single day? That he’s setting things up and putting people around you to love you, shape you, comfort you, lead you, redirect you and maybe even push you out of your comfort zone? Humbling isn’t it?

This past month has been one of those times for me.  Even today as I was on the treadmill and listening to a new song by the Rhett Walker Band called Vessel, God was working in me.

There’s a crack in this vessel, the fabric is torn.

And the ship is staring down, the barrel of the storm.

When you’re drowning in this water with no place left to go.

Can’t you see that you belong to me?

Check it out on iTunes, it rocks!

Anyway…this song revealed to me something that’s been rattling around in my heart and mind for weeks. Something that’s been nagging at me. Something that’s been building through various interactions with different people that have been placed in my life at just the right time.  

That we’re all cracked vessels, we’re imperfect, we’re broken. We long to be whole, for something or someone to fill us up. We just want to be loved, for who we are, for where we are at this junction in our lives. For us humans this is a tall order, yet God, he’s got this!

The other day, one of my new(er) friends commented on how I’m always so well put together. It made me laugh and made me think about one of my best friends Cathy. Cathy and I worked in the same office together during the time when my neuralgia was at its peak, a very dark time for me. She caught on to the fact that on the days that I really didn’t feel well, I dressed extra nice. Perhaps it was the one thing I could control for the day? Plus, I just like fashion!

It’s important for us to allow others in, to let them see our cracks. To let them know that beyond the surface, we have serious and sometimes not so serious items that are in need of repair. If we don’t open up and talk with each other, we’re going to be sitting in our own messes comparing our cracked lives with the shiny and smooth lives that (we think) surround us or even worse becoming drawn into the allure of (un)reality TV and Hollywood. And when this happens we will never be able to measure up.

• I might be put together on the outside, but on the inside I’m:
• Doubting my abilities at work and at home
• A painful introvert that is nervous in social situations
• Struggling with body image
• Trying to keep up with this thing called life
• Comparing myself to others
• Judging
• Working hard to keep the past in the past
• A perfectionist
• Overly sensitive to what people think or say about me
• An awful cook (not even God can help with this one)

I could go on and on. I have cracks, yet I’m not damaged beyond repair. My cracks add character. They make me who I am. They don’t define me, they refine me.

The beauty of having a relationship with God is that I know I’m good. I know that every crack is intentional. In spite of all of my imperfections, I’m content. He fills my vessel and it’s overflowing with his grace, his love, his peace, his understanding, his forgiveness, his knowledge of me- of who I am- of who he wants me to be.

I encourage you this week to open yourself to God, let him pour into you. Open up to others, pour into them.  Embrace your cracks; know that someday you will be whole. Until then, trust the artist who made you, he makes no mistakes.  He’ll turn our shattered pieces into the most beautiful and remarkable mosaic.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Reframe to Maintain

I reached my goal weight (for the second time around) in 2012. Since then, I’ve not only maintained, I’m eleven pounds below that goal weight.

When talking with a friend this week, I mentioned that I am struggling with my weight. She said something to the tune of “you’re so teeny, you can afford to gain a little weight.” And while I love being called teeny and I probably can afford a gain, I am terrified that that gain will lead to another and another and suddenly I’ve gained all of my weight back and then some.

I know that I’m not the only one who has this fear. I’ve read some behavioral books that imply that this is one of the main reasons that people don’t reach their goal, not just a weight loss goal, but any type of goal. Not just the fear of failure, but the fear of succeeding. Because after we succeed we have to maintain that success.  

You know how it goes, you see someone who has lost weight and notice they are gaining it back and you shake your head and cluck your tongue thinking “what a shame, doesn’t he/she know better?” Well of course we know better, that doesn't make it easy.

Most of us know what to do and have the tools to get there. That whole doing it part- actually making it happen- yeah- that’s the challenge. I’ve been a Weight Watchers lifetime member for seventeen years and I still haven’t mastered this weight loss thing. Granted, I’ve come a long LONG way and I’ve implemented some permanent changes in my life that allow me to be at and stay at my goal weight. Yet sometimes I think it would be so easy to go back to my old ways because…well…I love food!

Maintaining weight loss is just as hard (if not harder) than losing the weight. Not trying to be a downer here, just keeping it real.  Pounds are sneaky and they creep back on, even when we don’t see them. Pounds are like the lint in your dryer trap. You just keep going about your day to day as they quietly build up and at some point your equipment isn’t working as good as it used to. And then voila- you open the dryer trap and what started out as a little piece of lint is slowing down the whole works. But you didn’t notice it until you really took a good look.  

How easily does this cycle take place? You weigh in and you’ve gained a pound. You get angry. You eat. You brush yourself off and start again. You give your best effort. You gain a pound. You get even angrier. You eat. You quit. You say you’ll come back to it. A month goes by. You weigh in. You’re up five pounds. You say you’ll start next month. Next month turns to next season. Next season turns to next year. Not so suddenly (yet it seems sudden), you’re up forty pounds. This is no joke people, it happens all the time to the best of us with the most sincere intentions.

I am in the very beginning stage of this cycle right now. Over the past month the scale has crept upward. The challenging part is that I still feel great, my clothes fit nicely. I’m still within my healthy goal range. Having a hard time feeling sorry for me? Want to smack me? I get it. Yet I beg you to hear me out. I am in the danger zone, the zone of indifference.

The zone of indifference looks a little something like this. I’ve gained a few pounds. Not enough to be overly concerned, but enough to be mildly alarmed.  Living in this zone is not a fun place to be, yet it’s a natural place to fall into when you’ve been doing something for a long time- whether it’s a job, a relationship, a sport, a skill.

Although I might be feeling indifferent, I know one thing for sure. I am not the Tara that I used to be and I am NOT going back. It’s not even an option. I've come too far and have worked too hard to get here.

I started this blog back in 2011 because I was struggling to lose weight and I needed a public forum to hold me accountable for me actions. And here I am again. Thank goodness not forty pounds heavier, but struggling none-the-less.

Over the next few weeks I will be posting about what I’m doing reinvent, renew and get myself back on track. I hope that my journey in some way helps you.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Above the Clouds

I took this picture when flying back from Utah last week. As I was taking it, I wondered to myself “what would life be like to live above the clouds? To have the perspective that only God has, to be able to see things from a different point of view. To know with every ounce of our being that everything will be OK, to live with that feeling of comfort and reassurance.”

When we go through a dark period in our lives, and all we can see are clouds day after day after day, it wears us down and makes us want to give up. While we logically know that the sun is still there, we can only feel the cold reality of our seemingly hopeless situation and we long for warmth.

I remember reading a book about how the teenage brain works. How the frontal lobe of their brain does not develop until their early twenties. The frontal lobe is the decision making, thinking and planning part of the brain. The book went on to explain why it seems like teens believe that whatever situation they’re in is so traumatic, they have yet to develop perspective.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been four years this fall since I turned my life around. When I was there- sick, fearful, tired, sad, edgy, anxious, defeated; I would have never guessed that I could be here- well, strong, content, joyful, healthy, grateful. Last night I was thinking about how overwhelming it can be to make a change when you don’t seem to have the wherewithal within to even get started. Change on our best days can feel daunting and on our worst days- impossible.

As I write this I am incredibly thankful that I worked my way through with determination, perseverance and the faith that God’s perspective and plan is far greater than mine. Now that I’ve dug my way out of darkness, I wanted to share a few things that I did that helped me to find my way.

1- Try something different. I tried the same treatment for my neuralgia for nine years. I was (and am) in the hands of a wonderful neurologist. While the meds might have differed, the treatment plan was the same, western medicine. As I neared the end of my rope, in constant pain, losing the battle and wondering if this life was worth living, I had an Aha moment- why not try something different. This is what led me to acupuncture. Acupuncture has forged my path to overall wellness and has grown into a treatment plan that combines eastern and western medicine with exercise, eating well, living well, meditation and prayer. I have never felt better!

2- Ask for help. For a strong, independent person (man or woman), this is not an easy task. For some reason, asking for help made me feel less than; like I was weak, a failure. This cannot be farther from the truth. Asking for help means you’re human. We are designed to need each other, to get well with each other. Reach out to a person you trust. Bare your soul. Bring them along with you on this journey.

3- Have an attitude of gratitude. There were days when I was bedridden. I could not move, any movement, including moving my head, mouth, jaw, even my eyes would create lightning bolts of pain. Some nights I would lie in bed and silently cry. Yet as I laid there I would praise God and thank him for the gift of life. I would ask him for a chance at another day.  When I could move, I kept a gratitude journal. I would write down five things I was grateful for. Even in our darkest time, life is abundant; beauty is around and within us.  There is always something to be thankful for, big or small.

 

4- Live for today. Living with an illness, whether it is chronic, mental or physical can bring about fear. Fear of the unknown- will I get worse? Fear of the next diagnosis- am I getting better? Fear of pain- will I hurt more tomorrow? I have a mantra that I started then and still use now- I choose faith over fear.  Fear is an emotion that we can have power over and we can win. It’s not easy to choose faith, yet I choose it over fear every single time. Choose to live in and with your current reality. Don’t lament over what could have been, or escape to what could be. Live now. Accept now. During one of my sessions with my neurologist, I sobbed to him saying “I am sick and tired of fighting this illness!!!” He said to me “stop fighting, start living.” It made me see that I will most likely have this illness for life, so I need to find a way to live my best life with it.

5- Celebrate the small wins and build on them.  When I started my path to wellness in the fall of 2010, I never would have guessed that I would- lose 44 pounds, gain confidence- lose my fear of public speaking, gain the ability to lead Weight Watchers- lose my fear of living, gain my trust in life- lose my fear of failure- gain a new career- lose caring what others think, gain caring about others- lose anger of the past, gain appreciation for the present. Every time I make a positive change and master it, I push myself to make another small change.

Change didn’t and won’t happen overnight, we just need to believe that it is possible. I think that’s what living above the clouds is all about. It’s about knowing that there is great potential within ourselves and others and taking small steps to achieve greatness together.

Live above the clouds. Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara