God, Ted Lasso and Relentless Belief

Have you ever prayed for something so big that you were almost afraid to pray for it? Because you were in a moment that felt so fragile that you couldn't bear the thought that God wasn't listening. That He didn't see you. That He didn't hear you. That you believed that change would come and yet nothing happened. 

Many years ago, our Pastor did a sermon on praying big prayers. The message was that God is greater than our biggest problem, our biggest fear, our biggest heartache. But we are afraid to ask for the unimaginable because we stopped believing it was possible. 

How many of you are currently obsessed with Ted Lasso (on Apple TV)? If you're not watching it. Stop what you're doing, sign up for the free trial and binge, binge, binge. Ted (we're on a first name basis) has a relentless optimism that often times we lose when real life hits us. 

It's hard to believe when we're faced with the really tough stuff like divorce, death, illness, job loss, addiction, rejection, complicated family dynamics, anxiety, depression...Or even the everyday stuff like being a parent, a caregiver to a loved one, finding work-life balance, redefining our careers, managing our finances...It can suck the belief right out of our souls. 

For 18 years, every single evening (6,570+ times) I raised this prayer to God "Lord, please find a way to heal me from my trigeminal neuralgia. I believe that you are working for my good and I trust in your plan for my life." 

If you're just getting to know me, you can read about my illness in previous posts. In short, trigeminal neuralgia = severe, long term, chronic suffering. It is like being electrocuted in the face by lightening over and over again until all you can do is lay in bed and cry. And crying just makes it hurt more. It's a pain that causes desperation. It's nicknamed the suicide disease because some people decided they could only escape the pain by killing themselves. Many medical journals note it's the most painful affliction known to mankind. 

And it tested my faith. 

I questioned God. I was angry with Him. Yet at the same time, knowing that He is an all-loving, all-providing, grace-giving, miracle working God- brought me comfort. And so I prayed "Lord, please find a way to heal me from my trigeminal neuralgia. I believe that you are working for my good and I trust in your plan for my life." 

Then my prayer changed. 

A few years ago when it became evident that this would be a life long illness for me (I mean, c'mon it had been 18 years of relentless praying), my prayer started to shift. "Lord, even if you don't heal me, I trust you. I believe that you want the best for my life. Let me be peaceful with this plan. Let me be present, patient and positive. Help me to continue to believe in your goodness. You are my leader, my forgiver, my hope and my savior. I love you."

I realized that I was holding on too tight to how my life should be instead of letting go and accepting the life that God had given me with all of the goodness and the brokenness. 

And once I let go something funny happened, God worked a miracle. It's a long medical story (if you're curious you can read about it here), but I've been healed from my trigeminal neuralgia for 2 years and 2 months and counting! I have not taken a med for my neuralgia since October of 2019 and at one point I was taking meds like candy. I thought I was going to have to go out on disability. My life outlook at times was grim. 

In the picture on the left in 2017, I'm medicated and on an ice pack trying to freeze block the nerve pain. There were times when I couldn't open my jaw to eat, to talk. Many days it hurt to smile. When my family couldn't touch me because it generated more pain. Moments of hopelessness. 

In the picture on the right in 2021, I'm celebrating! I had various pain triggers but my worst trigger was cold weather. It was almost instant-pain for me. For many years it prevented me from doing anything outside. Being at my son's soccer and baseball games, going out with family and friends, even picking out our Christmas tree.  

Yet here I am in the mountains of Utah in the cold weather and I am soaking in the moment of being able to be outside in nature without pain. I was surrounded by God's majesty. The way the sun reflected off of the snow. How crisp and fresh the air was. The rich, deep scent of the evergreens. The soft sound of the snow dripping as it melted. The brilliance of the bright blue sky. The ability of my body to live and move and breathe without pain. "Lord, let me be present, patient and positive. Let me be peaceful with this plan."

I want to continue to approach my life with peace, gratitude and awe. Knowing that God is full of miracles if only we dare to believe. 

Never give up hope. 

XO,

Tara 

  

Chasing the Scale

I've been chasing the scale almost my entire life, since elementary school. So in honor of it being 10 years since I wrote my first blog, I thought I'd reflect on how my focus has shifted from chasing a certain weight and size to holistic wellness- knowing that I'm moving every day, nourishing my body and am healthy and comfortable in my skin. 

At 49, I'm not at my heaviest weight and I'm not at my lightest and quite frankly, I'm tired of thinking about my weight. If there's anything I've learned over the past 10 years it's that losing weight and happiness aren't always in alignment. There are plenty of people who have lost weight and are still miserable and fighting emotional battles that being "at goal" didn't solve. 

With that said, my ever changing wellness journey has allowed me to stay at a healthy weight since 2012. But Tara you just said you're tired of thinking about your weight?!? Truth. I have struggled to lose the diet mentality and weight loss focus that I've had since the 80's. The restriction. The guilt. The mental punishment for "eating something bad". Ugh! That's a lot of years lost. Everywhere we look someone is telling us we can be thinner, stronger, have whiter teeth, longer lashes, thicker hair. The health and beauty industry comes at us hard with ads. Hell, I came at you hard with Weight Watchers and Beachbody. Yet these last few years battling back from lyme disease and past my neuralgia illness have shifted my point of view. 

Starting with Weight Watchers. I tracked points instead of paying attention to what I was eating and why. I knew all of the points for donuts, fries, Pop Tarts. I did learn how to eat healthier than I was before I started. I kept within the program constraints and it worked- 40+ pounds lost. I'm great at restrictive eating, it's what I know. Now don't get me wrong, I learned SO much from WW and I was a leader and there's a lot of merit to their programs. I did learn about behavior change. I just didn't realize that for the most part I wasn't putting quality foods into my body. 

Moving to Beachbody. Beachbody got me closer to understanding the importance of nutrition in combination with movement. That the combination of certain foods and movement, specifically strength training, can be powerful, especially as we age. Thanks to BB I transformed my body to the most fit at 44 than in my entire life! But once again I was off balance, I managed the scale and my size way too tightly. I still couldn't lose the guilt of "skipping a workout" or "eating a bad food". Then I found Beachbody's 2B Mindset program that focuses on the quality and quantity of food and also on the mental aspect of wellness. I finally started to experience freedom. Freedom from constraint, freedom from rigid tracking. I moved to truly focusing on the quality of foods I was eating- whole foods, very few processed items and of course some occasional treats. I found that I was able to maintain my weight, not effortlessly, but with much less stress and guilt.  

This was my gateway to healing my body holistically and becoming curious about what else might work for me (for my age, menopause, hormones). If you've read my previous posts you'll see my evolution over the past 4 years. My curiosity led me to the following resources.  

Books: 

Body Love by Kelly Leveque | No Grain No Pain by Dr. Peter Osborne | Change Your Brain Change Your Body by Dr. Daniel Amen | You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

Podcasts: 

The Art of Being Well with Dr. Will Cole | Cleaning up the Mental Mess with Dr. Caroline Leaf | Weight Loss for Busy Physicians with Katrina Ubell 

I hope this post helps you see that there are many paths to health. If you've tried something and it didn't work keep trying new things until something sticks. Instead of being angry or frustrated, be open to change.  

Stop hating on your body enough to pay attention to what it needs. Maybe what worked for you in your 20's isn't working in your 50's....guuuuurrrlll (or guy) your body is changing and that's OK.

It took me forever (and a day) to figure out that if you focus on health, the scale will follow. No need to chase it. And if you let it go and appreciate all that your body does for you (even with cellulite, lumps, bumps and stretch marks) your heart and mind can finally exhale and be at peace.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice and continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

Menopause and Mental Health

In April I sat down with my practitioner and said "I'm kind of embarrassed to say this but...I've been feeling very anxious recently." In her office I had an out of body experience because I heard myself saying I was embarrassed to talk about mental health and I was disappointed that I spoke those words out loud. Argh! I openly talk with my (young adult) kids about depression and anxiety yet here I was feeling a certain way that I was feeling a certain way. Sigh. 

I've been seeing my practitioner for 10 years and we have a high trust relationship. She knows me very well. So when I told her I was feeling anxious and that my normal coping mechanisms (a combination of diet, exercise, meditation, CBD oil, prayer, journaling) weren't doing anything she took me seriously and listened with empathy. We talked for a while and she had me fill out a mental health assessment/questionnaire. And what came next was surprising...it could be menopause. Yikes! At 49 it probably seems naïve that I hadn't considered I was going through "the change". I've had some night sweats and hot flashes but nothing life disrupting. But here's the deal and why I'm penning this post, nobody talks about mental health and menopause, specifically anxiety and menopause. And it's for real. 

While I've dealt with levels of anxiety in the past, I've never until now experienced a full blown panic attack. It was hard to express to my practitioner how I was feeling except that I was having irrational fears in normal every day circumstances. These fears left me gasping for air. I felt trapped and like I wanted to run away. My fight or flight reflexes were in full force. My mind was reeling and wouldn't stop with the "what if's" and feelings of dread. As I started this blog 10 years ago with the promise to keep it real, here goes with a few examples of what I experienced. 

During a work meeting with colleges that I trust and have worked with for years I suddenly felt like I couldn't finish the call and that I needed to drop off of Zoom. We were discussing a topic I was well versed about yet I felt extremely overwhelmed. I started to sweat and felt like I couldn't breathe. 

While out walking my dog I felt anxious about other dogs in my neighborhood that I've known for 17 years. I know full well that they have electric fences yet I felt leery like they were going to break through the fence. I couldn't relax and stop worrying. I just wanted to get home. 

During a work presentation, once again where I knew the topic well, I panicked and lost my train of thought. Instead of being able to mentally regroup (I was with a trusted group of peers), I felt like I needed to end the call. It was a completely irrational need to flee. 

These are a few examples of how I was feeling. 

After doing hormone testing we determined I was in full blown menopause and that my progesterone is low and my estrogen is high. As an aside (and probably TMI) I couldn't use my period as a gauge because I had an ablation years ago and don't get my period.  The mental health assessment questions I checked as "yes" were all mostly focused in the GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid) section of the brain. Progesterone helps to create GABA which blocks certain brain signals producing a calming effect in the brain. See more about this in the articles at the bottom of this post. 

I was relieved to learn that what I am experiencing is potentially due to my change in hormones. One article I read called progesterone an anti-anxiety hormone and when it's low, anxiety is high. 

Because I see a holistic MD and practitioner, we decided to try 2 natural hormone balancing supplements: 

1- Balance by Ortho Molecular Products

2- L'Theanine by Integrative Therapeutics 

She jokingly called Balance the "marriage saver" because it has helped her patients so much. I'm only in my first month of taking the supplements and it could take up to 90 days for my body to level out, but I'll keep you posted on how I'm progressing. 

I wanted to share my experience because while I hear people make jokes about mood and menopause, I've never really heard anyone talk about it seriously and how fluctuating hormones can impact our daily lives. If you're feeling a certain way (menopause or not), talk with someone about it. What you're feeling is real and valid and important. And medication or supplements or therapy can help. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone is enough. Don't try and go it alone. You are loved and beloved. Asking for help is self care and in some cases survival. 

Continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

More on menopause, anxiety and panic attacks: 

https://mysecondspring.ie/menopause-symptoms/menopausal-anxiety-and-panic-attacks

https://www.rosewellness.com/signs-of-low-progesterone-hormone/

https://www.healthywomen.org/your-health/menopause-aging-well/menopause-and-anxiety-whats-connection

The Power to Heal

When I look back on this picture from 2008, I remember the suffering. You can see it in my eyes. I was in so much pain. Excruciating electric shock like pain in my head and face to be exact. It was taking over my life. The pic on the right is from a consult with an orthodontist. I was so desperate to manage my trigeminal neuralgia pain, I thought perhaps that realigning my teeth/jaw might help so I got Invisalign. It didn't help with my pain, but my teeth are straight. :) 

You couldn't have told me that in 2020 (pic on the left), I'd find myself healed and pain free. I would have wept with relief. As I'd had severe facial nerve pain (off and on) since 2001. This post isn't to rehash or question those years, it's to share how going to a holistic MD (or an integrative health practitioner) changed, dare I say saved my life.  

I ended up going to a holistic MD thanks to my acupuncturist, trusted practitioner (and friend). I posted about what led up to that journey here: Holistic healing 

I met with Dr. Pravs of Montgomery Integrative Health in the summer of 2019. From the start, the appointment was different (in a good way). Starting with the gazillion (haha) page health questionnaire I filled out. The goal of an integrative health practitioner is to treat the the root cause and not just treat the symptoms. They look at the patient as a whole.  If you read some of my previous blog posts you'll notice that I had seen my neurologist, a spine doctor, an orthopedic doctor- all treating symptoms. Bouncing me around from treatment to expensive treatment, never getting to the core of what was wrong with me. 

Between the questionnaire and the sit down meeting with Dr. Pravs, I felt seen and heard. She was genuinely curious about my overall wellness. At my consult, we talked about the fact that there had to be something underlying going on in my body. We tested for many things- thyroid issues, autoimmune disorders, lyme, nutrient deficiencies- to name a few. My tests came back and I was lyme positive so she referred me to her colleague Dr. Wittels who is a lyme literate doctor. Dr. Wittels ran additional testing and found I not only had lyme but coinfections. 

Here is more about my lyme journey: Lyme disease diagnosis 

For the entire year of 2019 I made taking care of my health my second full time job. I worked with Dr. Wittels and Dr. Pravs on a holistic treatment plan that involved vitamins/supplements, prescription meds (for lyme), exercise and continued on my gluten free journey  (which makes a huge impact on inflammation). I met with Dr. Wittels every 30-60 days and we tweaked my plan as needed depending on my symptoms. She is brilliant. I liken her to a mad scientist (in a good way) because she is so knowledgeable about the innerworkings of the human body and what it needs to heal. 

During this time I continued to work with my acupuncturist and massage therapist to manage my pain. As the lyme cleared from my body and we started to rebuild my nutrients and immune system, I continued to feel better and better. And the most magical part of all, my neurological symptoms  disappeared. The excruciating pain, the daily pins and needles, the pulling and pushing of my facial nerves. I haven't taken prescription neuralgia meds since the fall of 2019 and at one point I was eating them like candy. After suffering for so long, this is a health miracle. When you live with chronic pain for so long and your body suddenly feels peaceful, it's like living in black and white and all of the sudden seeing color. 

Fast forward to today and I'm living my best life. I still am treating some lasting symptoms of lyme with vitamins/supplements, but all in all my energy is up, my severe pain is gone. I sleep better. My hair and skin look and feel better. Even things like my teeth grinding is gone. I am humbled to be at this place in my life. My heart is filled with gratitude. This post might make the healing journey seem easy-peasy, but it was constant trial and error. It was really hard work. It was pushing through when things didn't work. It was staying hopeful during setbacks. A few things were key for me: 

• Surrounding myself with practitioners who worked together and truly knew me. 
• Being open to different modes of treatment. 
• Staying curious about my health and healing my body. 
• Keeping my mind present (not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future). 

I'm writing this in the hopes that more and more people will learn about and embrace holistic healing. It's funny when I tell people I see a holistic MD, some think it's some typic of crazy nonsense practice. When really it's how we should be treated as patients who live in bodies that are complex yet also miraculous. The only thing I wish is that I'd known about integrative medicine sooner. That's why I'm sharing my journey. With the right help, you have the power to heal your body. 

Make the choice to heal. Commit to it and continue with courage. 

XO,

Tara

Resources:

Montgomery Integrative Health (Dr. Daila Pravs- Dr. Heidi Wittels)  

Acupuncture for Health (Kate Pietrowski) 

Simply be Well Massage (Renee Wachter) 

Podcast on inflammation and integrative medicine (Dr. Will Cole- Dr. Caroline Leaf)