Leaning into the Uncertainty

This post is for everyone who is sending their kids off (no matter their age) into the world, who are feeling a bit unsettled.

It came from a chat with my bestie about the empty nest which can also be known as the restless nest (from my point of view). It's not just for empty nesters, it's for all of us who are trying to balance the never ending push pull of being a parent while also trying to be ourselves.

It's also inspired by a FB post from my Aunt about blooming and knowing who she is and where she fits in the world. "Ha, back then I thought I was just a wife, mom and grandmother. Now I am ME! (still a mom and gmom but..."

Her words resonated with me as perhaps they do for you. I most certainly lost myself in my 30's, in the peak of raising 2 kids while working and trying to be and do it all. And on top of that, to be it all and do it all perfectly. Ugh, exhausting! And as the reality (and also excitement) of empty nest freedom began to loom, I also began to wonder who the hell I was...it made me understand the whole mid-life crisis thing. But why does it have to be a mid-life crisis? Why not a mid-life opportunity?

Even after launching 2 kids, there are days when I have no idea who the hell I am. So many life changes have taken place over the past few years. Some good. Some crappy. Some freaking fantastic! They've left me feeling unsettled. I don't know who I am without fitness...I don't know who I am without my kids...I don't know who I am without something to do...I don't know who I am without <insert yours here>...Without the drama...without my job...without my spouse...without my parent...without the food/alcohol/drugs...without a friend.

I like to do. To have a plan and execute. I usually have a few goals in my back pocket that are my next to tackle. I hate uncertainty. I hate waiting. I like to know what's next. I'm awful at being still. So this phase of life has me feeling antsy. Health issues have forced me to slow down. But slowing down means too much Tara reflection time. Aka analyzing the heck out of things.

Usually when we meet someone for the first time we tell them what we do, or that we're so and so's spouse, or parent, or friend. We create these roles and if you're like me that feels good, comforting. What happens when this changes? Either by our own choice or not. I believe that's where the mid-life opportunity comes in. I love the thought of shifting our mindset from the idea that life is happening to us to life is happening for us. I know that if you're in a real shit moment right now you're probably rolling your eyes and tuning out...but I firmly believe this.

It reminds me of Hillsong's song, New Wine. I listen to it on replay during times of change.
In the crushing, in the pressing, you are making new wine. 
In the soil, I now surrender. 
You are breaking new ground.
So I yield to you and your careful hand. 
When I trust you I don't need to understand. 

I may not know who I am at the moment or where I'm going. Yet my heart is slowly settling. It can do that because of what I know for sure. I know who I am with God. I am loved. I am provided for. I know who my kids are with God. They are loved. They are provided for. And this brings me peace.

It also brings me courage to lean unto the uncertainty. To lean into who I am now. To be more patient and kind to myself.

To embrace where I am physically. I will not reduce myself to my limitations. All the fun stuff that comes with age. The gargantuan chin hair. Losing my glasses when they're still on my head. Unruly eyebrow hairs that have a mind of their own. The aches and pains. The oh so awesome night sweats.

I lean into the not knowing. To the paralyzing fear of my unreasonably high self standards. Of not being enough or doing enough as a spouse, a parent, a family member or friend.

I release myself from the unrealistic societal pressure of beauty, physicality and home life. From the Instgram and Pinterest cultivated lifestyles that I'll never measure up to.

My mantra lately has been to be positive and present. Not racing so hard to get into a future state to when things are better or different. In doing this I change my narrative, from being a victim of my circumstances to victor over whatever life brings.   

Lean in to you.
XO,
Tara

On Hope and Healing

You've seen my healthy selfies. My posts encouraging you to move more and to put healing foods in your body. I'm sure they can sometimes be annoying- blah, blah, blah Tara, shut the heck up already. But perhaps you don't know the reason for my relentless pursuit of health. It's to help me to live my best life in spite of having a chronic neurological illness and to empower you to take control of your health. 

The girl on the right in this picture was suffering. But I love this picture because 2010 was the year that my life changed. I’ve had trigeminal neuralgia for 18 years, but it’s only over the past 9 years that I figured out the importance of slowing down for complete self-care and opened myself up to holistic treatments. Once I had an open mind and became curious (instead of angry) about my illness, my health started to change. I went from someone who was bedridden, at the end of her rope, lost, sad. I just laid in bed and cried, but crying triggered pain. I also ate to soothe my pain gaining 40 pounds. Some days my husband and kids couldn’t touch me, I hurt that badly. I was desperate for hope. I went to a depressing support group and didn’t find a ton of hope or help online. All people did was talk about their suffering. I was on heavy meds and was about to go out of work on disability. The meds were making me lose my mind. I got lost driving home from work. I’d go to the grocery store and forget why I was there. I withdrew from family and friends. I wasn’t sure how I could go on. It was a dark and painful time. Out of desperation I went to an acupuncturist who also happened to be a holistic practitioner and health coach and slowly we started to change my lifestyle.

Of course I didn’t do this all at once, I tried one new thing at a time to see what worked for me and what didn’t. I lost the weight. I changed my job which was creating a tremendous amount of stress for me. I discovered how much fitness impacts my neuralgia in a positive way. I armed myself with some great practitioners. I have an excellent neurologist- I now take Maxalt as needed to control my neuralgia flare ups instead of the daily harsh meds in combination with the holistic practices below.

I have bad pain days, especially in the winter. But I went from taking anti-convulsant meds like candy to only needing them about once a month. I recently went 85 days without pain meds! For the most part I’m active and healthy and I’m living my best life in spite of my illness. It doesn’t control me, I am in control. I refuse to be a victim, I will be a victor!

I have a friend whose mother was recently diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia and I wrote this to help her. No matter what chronic illness you're facing, many of the below actions might help you too. 

What helps me:

Prayer/faith- couldn’t get through this without it!

Exercise- daily movement is a natural mood enhancer and pain reliever. Even just walking daily and light stretching.

Managing stress- meditation, setting boundaries, counseling.

Acupuncture- allowed me to stop using the heavy daily meds like Neurontin that were ruining my life. I did acupuncture once a week until my nerves settled down, now I do it every other week. Here’s my testimonial: https://acupuncturecure.com/testimonials/

Nutrition- reducing inflammatory foods. Adding in anti-inflammatory foods and supplements. Removing gluten, dairy and soy is quite the commitment but has been a game changer. I could feel my nerves relax within 2 weeks of going gluten free. https://www.glutenfreesociety.org/no-grain-no-pain-the-book/

Finding a holistic practitioner- https://myfunctionalmedicinedoctor.org/ that can blend eastern and western medicine. I’d strongly recommend Micronutrient testing. Many nutrient deficiencies can mimic nerve pain. The supplements that have helped me the most are:

https://www.metagenics.com/ultrainflamx-plus-360- can only be prescribed by a practitioner.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B076B6JTMW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1- - I take this twice a day with water and it’s really settled my nerves. You can find it on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Relief-Magnesium-Arnica-Homeopathic-Strength/dp/B01J2BN338/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1SPVZ0NL7HWXX&keywords=magsoothium%2Bcream&qid=1564669856&s=gateway&sprefix=magsoo%2Chpc%2C139&sr=8-3&th=1- I rub this on my neck, shoulders and back of head.

Massage- I was afraid to get massage but this year discovered that massage helps me greatly! Craniosacral therapy has given me incredible relief. I was going once a week and now go once a month. I wish I had discovered it sooner!

Journaling- I keep a daily pain journal, rank my pain from 0-10 in the morning and again at night and note any triggers or what made me feel better.

Knowing my triggers- Extreme cold and heat, humidity, noise, stress.

Having a good support system- My closest friends and family know what I’m going through. They know my triggers and my limits. They understand when I say no or have to reschedule. It took a while for me to be able to share with them because I didn’t want to be a whiner. But it’s been important to me and to our relationships.

Mindset- I have to choose to live in faith over fear. This illness can be depressing, exhausting and you can become paralyzed by fear. Many people with trigeminal neuralgia stop living their best life because they fear the uncertainty of when the next attack will come. So they just hunker down and don’t do anything. I surround myself with positive people, books and podcasts. I stay engaged in things that bring me joy. I practice gratitude daily, even on the days I have pain. I moved from a mindset of “why me God” to “what will you have me learn from this God.”

As I write this I'm extremely overwhelmed with gratitude of the angels who've been put in my path to help me heal and give me hope. I want you to see and believe that there is hope for you too. You might be in a really dark place right now and you have no idea how you're going to dig yourself out. Just the thought of doing something different is enough to make you want to quit before you start. Just do one thing. Just one. Once you master it, do one more. Soon you'll find that your life is changing. One change, one choice at a time. Things will get better. You can get better. 

Hugs and friendship,

Tara