All In

I’m quite sure that no parenting book or words of wisdom could prepare me to be the mother of young adults and for the different kind of heart hurt and angst that comes along with it.

In the upcoming week, my youngest son leaves for his first year of college. As if him being 5 hours away wasn’t enough, my daughter and her husband just told us that they are moving to Qatar. Yes Qatar in the Middle East. And they are leaving in less than a week from now.

My husband and I used to have a hashtag #en2017 (empty nest 2017), and we used to excitedly chant it when our “kids” were getting on our nerves. Yet now that it’s here, I’m not quite as gleeful. I’d like to think that I kind of had my mind wrapped around our son leaving. I was mentally prepared for the tearful ride home from Pittsburgh, clinging to the fact that we’d see him in October at family weekend. Knowing that he’s ready, and excited, it’s time for me to let go.

But Qatar!?! When I texted or told people that our daughter was moving far, far, FAR away for 1-2 years, I got all kinds of responses. All of them which I appreciate. Some were empathetic. Some tried to take the positive “what a tremendous opportunity” route. But the response I appreciated the most was from my one girlfriend who responded “WTF!?!!! I would be devastated.” Exactly. And thank you.

The sermon at church today sure was timely. So timely I’d say it was God given. Our pastor talked about the notion of being ALL IN and raised the question “do we believe that God is truly the Lord over our lives”? As in, ALL of our lives. As in, not just when things go well, but when they are in the crapper. When we are experiencing our deepest hurts, can we still go ALL IN and believe that God has an intention for this time in our lives?

I have a deep faith and have experienced a world of hurts. Very, serious hurts. There were seasons of my life when I questioned God’s plan for me. I felt abandoned by Him. Yet He was always faithful.

When my children became young adults I realized that I had no choice but to go ALL IN and trust God with not only my life but the lives of my children. It was the only way I could have any kind of peace when it came to letting them go. I had two comforts to rely on as my kids came of age: 1) that my husband, family and I gave them a good foundation and that 2) God would take care of the rest.

After our daughter told us the news, and my husband and I were driving home processing it all. I said to him “I don’t even know why people have children, they rip your heart out.” OK, maybe a bit dramatic but hey, my mama heart was hurting. Being a parent of young adults can be terrifying. All of the sudden they are not under your roof anymore and you have no…more…control. Beyond the no control thing we also have the knowledge of all of the stupid stuff that we did as young adults. My husband and I dated in college, and boy were we stupid.

A friend of mine and I were talking about how it feels to send our kids off to college and she said that she felt a sense of mourning, that she was mourning the loss of the relationship. Her saying that made me feel better because that’s how I was feeling.

There is some goodness in the midst of all of this change. As a mama who is now on the other side, who has sent her daughter off to college, received her home, moved her back in, moved her out and watched her getting married. There is a new and different relationship that blossoms with adult children. There’s something crazy fulfilling that comes from watching our adult children find their ways and shine.

If you’re not in that place yet mama (or papa) (or caregiver), just hold on. It will happen. Your adult kids still need you, just in different ways and it will be equally if not more fulfilling to forge this new normal.

Heading into what is going to be a tough mama week, sending my son off to Pitt and my daughter off to Qatar, the comfort I seek is from the one who I trust the most.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:7

This will be my verse of the week and I’ve written ALL IN on the palm of my hand to remind me that I need to trust God with ALL aspects of my life. Even when I’m afraid to let go.

"A carefully cultivated heart will, assisted by the grace of God, foresee, forestall, or transform most of the painful situations before which others stand like helpless children saying "Why?" - Dallas Willard

No matter what new normal you are facing, it is my prayer for you that the grace and peace that only God can bring comforts your heart. 

Dragon Slayer

Doubt, it’s a dream killer. It might be a more powerful dream killer than fear. Fear can be used to our advantage, sometimes it's an impetus that moves us forward. But doubt, doubt makes us feel uncertain about ourselves, others or our circumstances and can stop us in our tracks. 

Growing up I was an only child who lived in the country. I had a creative artistic mind and quite the imagination. I loved to write stories. I’d draw and construct and make them come to life. I was the creator of that world. I was always the hero of my story. Given the (fairly traumatic) childhood I had, I needed that safe space. A place where I was in control of the ending of my story. I’m sure that many of you can relate.

What happens to that sense of wonder and possibility as we get older? Life. Life chinks away at our armor of invincibility. We get hurt. We experience things like death or divorce. Depression, anxiety or addiction. Job loss. Financial stresses. Abuse or neglect. Illness. Pain. Loneliness. Our life might not take the path that we thought it was going to. A gap grows between our expectations and reality. And sometimes that gap gets filled with a heap of emotions until it feels like we are buried in them- sadness, regret, anger, impatience, worry, hopelessness.

When we’re in that state, it’s awfully hard to find our way out. Because the stories we start telling ourselves aren’t ones where we are the hero. We’re so mired in physical or emotion pain we move from hero to victim. Even if you are or have been a victim of something or someone, staying a victim doesn’t allow you move forward. To move from victim to victor, you have to take control of your story and that starts with the story in your mind. You have to realize that you are the one who is making you feel powerless. Because you hold the power. You control your choices. You control the reactions to your circumstances. We’re not kids anymore, but we still get to write the ending to our stories. Deep within us we still possess that glimmer of hope and possibility for our lives.

So how do we conquer those great dragons of doubt?  It’s time to armor up by:

Surrounding ourselves with positive people. There will be times in our lives when we don’t believe in ourselves. It’s during those times we need people that will show us our possibility. That will love us through it. That will speak truth to us. As I write this it’s thunder storming. My dog has planted herself right next to me because she’s terrified. I can feel her heart racing. Sometimes we need people next to us to assure us that it’s going to be OK. If you don’t have those kinds of people in your life, it’s time to evaluate your tribe.

Being grateful. Gratitude is a practice. Many times when we’re in the thick of a crappy circumstance it’s hard to see the positive. But the reality is that someone will always have it better and someone will always have it worse than we do. As we’re wallowing in self-pity (sometimes justified and sometimes not), there is someone else dreaming about the life we have. Take 5 minutes each day to write down 5 things that you are grateful for. You’ll be surprised at how this will change the way you are looking at your life.

Surrounding ourselves with positive messages. I was telling someone the other day that I had gotten back into the bad habit of starting my day with Facebook. Ugh, the power and pull of social media. I do much better when I start my day with a positive podcast, blog site, exercise, prayer, meditation, audio book or devotional. Pay attention to what’s draining you and replace it with something that can fuel your fire for the day.

Serving others. Serving others takes the focus off of us and our circumstances and often that’s exactly what we need. Serving others allows us to see the beauty and possibility in people and to reconnect with the ultimate dragon slayer, hope. Serving side by side with others allows us to see that there is still good in this world.

Extending grace and forgiveness. Offering grace and forgiveness doesn’t absolve the person who hurt you, it frees you and it frees your heart. I could write page upon page on this topic. Grace and forgiveness is a process. But once you free your heart, you are able to write a new story for your life. 

Armor up baby, it's time to save yourself.  

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Continue with courage.

Hugs & friendship,

Tara