Not that Girl

Last night Nate (my husband) and I were sitting in the living room chatting while I was doing some social media stuff. I started to laugh and said “who the hell am I? I just posted on Facebook about healthy muffins that I made from scratch using whole foods?” We had a good chuckle about that. And while I was posting, my profile pic caught my eye. It’s me wearing fitness gear holding weights- how absurd! I’m not that girl…am I?

If you know me you know that I hate to cook. I find it to be laborious and exhausting, stressful. Yet I’ve found that since I started Beachbody (BB), there is something satisfying that comes with knowing that I am preparing something that is healthy for my body. It almost makes me see cooking in a different way (almost but not quite). It almost feels good. To take that control into my hands. I’ve gotta be honest (and please don’t be offended), I used to call people who ate whole foods “food freaks”, yes it’s true. Because I really couldn’t be bothered and it seemed like a lot of work. A few years back I went to a personal trainer in my town to see what their program was all about. After listening patiently, I politely declined, came home, thrust the food lists at my husband and said “this is not doable, who eats this stuff!?!” Funny enough, those same foods are on my BB food list now. They are ones that I embrace and enjoy because I know that I am fueling my body. But I’m not that girl…am I?

Today, I decided to go live on Facebook (FB) to share the progress I’ve been making on PIYO. If you know me you know that FB live terrifies me. I’m a perfectionist and when you go live there is no way you can edit- meep! What if something goes wrong? What if I screw up? Yikes! But I went ahead with sharing because I’m so pumped about my progress! And I wanted to share that progress is about more than weight and inches- it’s about strength, stamina, endurance; being willing to try something new, to take risks. I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to do PIYO, but week by week I got stronger. I modified less, I held the poses longer. I finished my 30 days feeling empowered, longer and leaner. So I made a video of me doing a few of the PIYO moves and it was so scary! My heart was beating out of my chest when I was done. But I did it! I shared a video of me doing workout moves on FB! Yet I’m not that girl…am I?

I’m not the girl who is running her own fitness business. Who loves to exercise. Who considers it a gift to be able to move her body. I’m not the girl who wants to shout from the rooftops how healthy and energized she feels, who enjoys eating to fuel her body. I’m not the girl who has begun to put herself out there, to stop being so hard on herself, who embraces failure as growth. Am I?

Aren’t I still this girl on the left? I remember this girl. She was invisible. She was sad and depressed. She smiled on the outside and was fading away on the inside. Back in her early 20’s she decided to get a Y membership. Before she went into the gym, she sat in the car for a while, too afraid to go in. When she finally decided to go in, she had no idea where to start. She was so self-conscious, she felt like everyone was judging her. So after a short time she left and on her way home she stopped to get a pack of Entenmann’s chocolate crumb donuts. And she ate them alone, filled with feelings of shame and self-doubt.

She was lonely. She self-isolated. Instead of going out, she stayed at home. Embarrassed about her weight and too tired and too scared to do anything about it. She went shopping for this dress for her college roommates wedding. Shopping was torture. She had maxed out at a size 16 and the dresses in the plus size section seemed like they were made for a much older woman. And so she settled, bought a dress and got the heck out of the store. She will never forget that feeling, wondering how she had even gotten to that point.

Throughout my 20’s and 30’s, I have plenty of stories like this. Maybe you do too? Maybe you’re living them right now. Maybe you’ve hit your rock bottom, you are lost and losing hope. I am here to tell you that YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOU CAN BE THAT GIRL, the one that is healthy, the one that is energized, the one that feels better than she ever has…IF YOU DON’T TRY. So what you’ve tried before, TRY AGAIN.

WHAT IF THIS IS YOUR TIME? What if this is YOUR moment? YOUR year? What if you could be on your way to living your best life? YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IF YOU DON’T TRY. I don’t care if you have tried before and quit. TRY AGAIN. Dig deep. If I can do this, if I can be that girl. The one who went into a dressing room yesterday and tried on a dress that made her feel amazing, and it was in a single digit dress size! The one who wakes up happy to be alive. You can be that girl (or guy) too! It starts with a belief in yourself. 

Decide. Commit. Succeed.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara