Cracked Vessel

Ever had one of those days, weeks, months, years- that you KNOW, you ab-so-lute-ly know that God is working in you? Isn’t it crazy to think that you are on the mind and in the heart of our Creator every single hour of every single day? That he’s setting things up and putting people around you to love you, shape you, comfort you, lead you, redirect you and maybe even push you out of your comfort zone? Humbling isn’t it?

This past month has been one of those times for me.  Even today as I was on the treadmill and listening to a new song by the Rhett Walker Band called Vessel, God was working in me.

There’s a crack in this vessel, the fabric is torn.

And the ship is staring down, the barrel of the storm.

When you’re drowning in this water with no place left to go.

Can’t you see that you belong to me?

Check it out on iTunes, it rocks!

Anyway…this song revealed to me something that’s been rattling around in my heart and mind for weeks. Something that’s been nagging at me. Something that’s been building through various interactions with different people that have been placed in my life at just the right time.  

That we’re all cracked vessels, we’re imperfect, we’re broken. We long to be whole, for something or someone to fill us up. We just want to be loved, for who we are, for where we are at this junction in our lives. For us humans this is a tall order, yet God, he’s got this!

The other day, one of my new(er) friends commented on how I’m always so well put together. It made me laugh and made me think about one of my best friends Cathy. Cathy and I worked in the same office together during the time when my neuralgia was at its peak, a very dark time for me. She caught on to the fact that on the days that I really didn’t feel well, I dressed extra nice. Perhaps it was the one thing I could control for the day? Plus, I just like fashion!

It’s important for us to allow others in, to let them see our cracks. To let them know that beyond the surface, we have serious and sometimes not so serious items that are in need of repair. If we don’t open up and talk with each other, we’re going to be sitting in our own messes comparing our cracked lives with the shiny and smooth lives that (we think) surround us or even worse becoming drawn into the allure of (un)reality TV and Hollywood. And when this happens we will never be able to measure up.

• I might be put together on the outside, but on the inside I’m:
• Doubting my abilities at work and at home
• A painful introvert that is nervous in social situations
• Struggling with body image
• Trying to keep up with this thing called life
• Comparing myself to others
• Judging
• Working hard to keep the past in the past
• A perfectionist
• Overly sensitive to what people think or say about me
• An awful cook (not even God can help with this one)

I could go on and on. I have cracks, yet I’m not damaged beyond repair. My cracks add character. They make me who I am. They don’t define me, they refine me.

The beauty of having a relationship with God is that I know I’m good. I know that every crack is intentional. In spite of all of my imperfections, I’m content. He fills my vessel and it’s overflowing with his grace, his love, his peace, his understanding, his forgiveness, his knowledge of me- of who I am- of who he wants me to be.

I encourage you this week to open yourself to God, let him pour into you. Open up to others, pour into them.  Embrace your cracks; know that someday you will be whole. Until then, trust the artist who made you, he makes no mistakes.  He’ll turn our shattered pieces into the most beautiful and remarkable mosaic.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Reframe to Maintain

I reached my goal weight (for the second time around) in 2012. Since then, I’ve not only maintained, I’m eleven pounds below that goal weight.

When talking with a friend this week, I mentioned that I am struggling with my weight. She said something to the tune of “you’re so teeny, you can afford to gain a little weight.” And while I love being called teeny and I probably can afford a gain, I am terrified that that gain will lead to another and another and suddenly I’ve gained all of my weight back and then some.

I know that I’m not the only one who has this fear. I’ve read some behavioral books that imply that this is one of the main reasons that people don’t reach their goal, not just a weight loss goal, but any type of goal. Not just the fear of failure, but the fear of succeeding. Because after we succeed we have to maintain that success.  

You know how it goes, you see someone who has lost weight and notice they are gaining it back and you shake your head and cluck your tongue thinking “what a shame, doesn’t he/she know better?” Well of course we know better, that doesn't make it easy.

Most of us know what to do and have the tools to get there. That whole doing it part- actually making it happen- yeah- that’s the challenge. I’ve been a Weight Watchers lifetime member for seventeen years and I still haven’t mastered this weight loss thing. Granted, I’ve come a long LONG way and I’ve implemented some permanent changes in my life that allow me to be at and stay at my goal weight. Yet sometimes I think it would be so easy to go back to my old ways because…well…I love food!

Maintaining weight loss is just as hard (if not harder) than losing the weight. Not trying to be a downer here, just keeping it real.  Pounds are sneaky and they creep back on, even when we don’t see them. Pounds are like the lint in your dryer trap. You just keep going about your day to day as they quietly build up and at some point your equipment isn’t working as good as it used to. And then voila- you open the dryer trap and what started out as a little piece of lint is slowing down the whole works. But you didn’t notice it until you really took a good look.  

How easily does this cycle take place? You weigh in and you’ve gained a pound. You get angry. You eat. You brush yourself off and start again. You give your best effort. You gain a pound. You get even angrier. You eat. You quit. You say you’ll come back to it. A month goes by. You weigh in. You’re up five pounds. You say you’ll start next month. Next month turns to next season. Next season turns to next year. Not so suddenly (yet it seems sudden), you’re up forty pounds. This is no joke people, it happens all the time to the best of us with the most sincere intentions.

I am in the very beginning stage of this cycle right now. Over the past month the scale has crept upward. The challenging part is that I still feel great, my clothes fit nicely. I’m still within my healthy goal range. Having a hard time feeling sorry for me? Want to smack me? I get it. Yet I beg you to hear me out. I am in the danger zone, the zone of indifference.

The zone of indifference looks a little something like this. I’ve gained a few pounds. Not enough to be overly concerned, but enough to be mildly alarmed.  Living in this zone is not a fun place to be, yet it’s a natural place to fall into when you’ve been doing something for a long time- whether it’s a job, a relationship, a sport, a skill.

Although I might be feeling indifferent, I know one thing for sure. I am not the Tara that I used to be and I am NOT going back. It’s not even an option. I've come too far and have worked too hard to get here.

I started this blog back in 2011 because I was struggling to lose weight and I needed a public forum to hold me accountable for me actions. And here I am again. Thank goodness not forty pounds heavier, but struggling none-the-less.

Over the next few weeks I will be posting about what I’m doing reinvent, renew and get myself back on track. I hope that my journey in some way helps you.

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara

Above the Clouds

I took this picture when flying back from Utah last week. As I was taking it, I wondered to myself “what would life be like to live above the clouds? To have the perspective that only God has, to be able to see things from a different point of view. To know with every ounce of our being that everything will be OK, to live with that feeling of comfort and reassurance.”

When we go through a dark period in our lives, and all we can see are clouds day after day after day, it wears us down and makes us want to give up. While we logically know that the sun is still there, we can only feel the cold reality of our seemingly hopeless situation and we long for warmth.

I remember reading a book about how the teenage brain works. How the frontal lobe of their brain does not develop until their early twenties. The frontal lobe is the decision making, thinking and planning part of the brain. The book went on to explain why it seems like teens believe that whatever situation they’re in is so traumatic, they have yet to develop perspective.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been four years this fall since I turned my life around. When I was there- sick, fearful, tired, sad, edgy, anxious, defeated; I would have never guessed that I could be here- well, strong, content, joyful, healthy, grateful. Last night I was thinking about how overwhelming it can be to make a change when you don’t seem to have the wherewithal within to even get started. Change on our best days can feel daunting and on our worst days- impossible.

As I write this I am incredibly thankful that I worked my way through with determination, perseverance and the faith that God’s perspective and plan is far greater than mine. Now that I’ve dug my way out of darkness, I wanted to share a few things that I did that helped me to find my way.

1- Try something different. I tried the same treatment for my neuralgia for nine years. I was (and am) in the hands of a wonderful neurologist. While the meds might have differed, the treatment plan was the same, western medicine. As I neared the end of my rope, in constant pain, losing the battle and wondering if this life was worth living, I had an Aha moment- why not try something different. This is what led me to acupuncture. Acupuncture has forged my path to overall wellness and has grown into a treatment plan that combines eastern and western medicine with exercise, eating well, living well, meditation and prayer. I have never felt better!

2- Ask for help. For a strong, independent person (man or woman), this is not an easy task. For some reason, asking for help made me feel less than; like I was weak, a failure. This cannot be farther from the truth. Asking for help means you’re human. We are designed to need each other, to get well with each other. Reach out to a person you trust. Bare your soul. Bring them along with you on this journey.

3- Have an attitude of gratitude. There were days when I was bedridden. I could not move, any movement, including moving my head, mouth, jaw, even my eyes would create lightning bolts of pain. Some nights I would lie in bed and silently cry. Yet as I laid there I would praise God and thank him for the gift of life. I would ask him for a chance at another day.  When I could move, I kept a gratitude journal. I would write down five things I was grateful for. Even in our darkest time, life is abundant; beauty is around and within us.  There is always something to be thankful for, big or small.

 

4- Live for today. Living with an illness, whether it is chronic, mental or physical can bring about fear. Fear of the unknown- will I get worse? Fear of the next diagnosis- am I getting better? Fear of pain- will I hurt more tomorrow? I have a mantra that I started then and still use now- I choose faith over fear.  Fear is an emotion that we can have power over and we can win. It’s not easy to choose faith, yet I choose it over fear every single time. Choose to live in and with your current reality. Don’t lament over what could have been, or escape to what could be. Live now. Accept now. During one of my sessions with my neurologist, I sobbed to him saying “I am sick and tired of fighting this illness!!!” He said to me “stop fighting, start living.” It made me see that I will most likely have this illness for life, so I need to find a way to live my best life with it.

5- Celebrate the small wins and build on them.  When I started my path to wellness in the fall of 2010, I never would have guessed that I would- lose 44 pounds, gain confidence- lose my fear of public speaking, gain the ability to lead Weight Watchers- lose my fear of living, gain my trust in life- lose my fear of failure- gain a new career- lose caring what others think, gain caring about others- lose anger of the past, gain appreciation for the present. Every time I make a positive change and master it, I push myself to make another small change.

Change didn’t and won’t happen overnight, we just need to believe that it is possible. I think that’s what living above the clouds is all about. It’s about knowing that there is great potential within ourselves and others and taking small steps to achieve greatness together.

Live above the clouds. Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with courage.  

Hugs and Friendship,

Tara