I remember a time clearly when just returning a library book became an overwhelming task. It was in the early days of my neurological illness, before I got diagnosis and treatment. I was in bed daily, crying through the pain. Struggling to be a Mom to two young kids, a wife and work a full time job. A library book sat on my bedside table for months. I'd give it a glance every once in a while, knowing it was overdue. I could have easily asked my husband to return it for me. But I simply didn't have the mental wherewithal to make it happen.
Maybe you can relate. You're muddling through life right now and the smallest things can throw you into a tizzy. The dirty dishes or laundry piling up, unpaid bills, your kids homework. Let's not even talk about focusing on self care. And you can't remember when you took time for the f word, fun. There are some days when just taking a shower feels like an accomplishment. You do what it takes to survive the day at hand, roll into bed, and do it all over again.
I hear you friend. I was just venting to my hubs about my neck/disk injury. I've spent the past 18 months in a battle with myself. Don't tune me out, I know that you might be facing something way harder than a physical injury. But I think we can both agree on a few things:
1) It sucks when something or someone you love is taken away from you.
2) Change can be long and slow and painful and seemingly without reason.
3) The only road to found is lost.
OK, so I stole #3 from Toby Mac's new song Scars.
"Life ain't got no sequel.
We all broken people.
The only road to found is lost.
Oversimplifyin'.
Ain't no shame in trying.
Passion never counts the cost.
As I was having a little pity party for myself tonight, because I've had another painful physical setback, God threw that Toby Mac song my way. It's like He was in my head and in my heart. Because I wanted to stop trying.
For the past 18 months my goal has been to be patient, present, persistent and positive. To do this I've needed to rely on my faith, in God and in myself.
Being patient requires presence and trust. Those who know me know, I am not a patient person. I'm a doer and I'm always thinking ten steps ahead. I simply don't have time for patience. I had to learn to slow down and focus on the day at hand and to trust God with the rest. This is a super difficult discipline because I'm also a control freak, ha! But I need to truly trust and believe that God has got me and my future in the palm of His hand and that His plan is good.
Being persistent requires obedience. There are some days when I'm just too exhausted to do what I need to do to heal. Physical and emotional healing is hard work and it requires consistent behavior. Obedience is taking consistent action even when we don't feel like it. Obedience is trusting that God will show up when we just don't think we can take another step.
Being positive requires gratitude. I have a quote in my office "worry refuses to share the heart with gratitude." Gratitude can cast out fear and doubt. When we're grateful, there's no room in our hearts for anger, frustration or sadness. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy to put on your positive pants when you're in the thick of it. When I'm in one of my mental pity parties, I do a lot of different things to dig myself out. I open my bible/devotional. I pray. I breathe. I call a friend. I do DIY. I exercise. I listen to my favorite jams. I watch YouTube or Ted Talks. I read a personal development book. I write down 5 things I'm grateful for. I intentionally seek out joy. Every night when I lay down my head, no matter what kind of day I had, I thank God for the gift of another day.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel the pain. We should sit with it for a while. And that time period is different for everyone. We need to allow ourselves the space and grace to get through it. I love the quote below "so far you've survived 100 percent of your worst days. You're doing great!"
Maybe that sounds trite, but it's true. Whatever sheer hell you're facing right now, you will get through it. Give yourself the space and time to heal. Be willing to be still. To listen for God's whisper in the midst of the chaos. He's loves you so much and He's trying to tell you something. What does He want you to do next?
And for the love of it all, please dear friend, give yourself some grace. However you get through this, it's the right way for you. Patience, presence, persistence and positivity don't require perfection. Change happens when you show up and do the work.
Don't ever give up on yourself and your dreams. No matter how many times we fall down, we get back up. We keep trying because "passion never counts the cost."
Hugs and friendship,
Tara
