Believe in You

7 years ago I penned my first blog post, deciding to publicly share my weight loss journey. Well at least for the 2 whole people that might read it (haha). After trying and failing to lose weight for the 3 years previous, and at the peak of my neurological illness, I was emotionally and physically at the end of my rope. As a person who has battled her weight since childhood, and feeling at my lowest of lows, I really had no hope that this time around would be different. But I knew it was time for a change, not only physically but a complete overhaul of the way I lived and viewed my life.

When I reflect back on those early posts, I can feel my fear, anger, exhaustion, doubt, frustration and weariness. Yet day by day, week by week and year by year- my whole life changed.

In honor of my 7 year blog-a-versary, I thought I'd share 7 things I've learned and put into practice along with way.

1) Choose faith over fear. Faith is believing in something we can't see. If you are just beginning your wellness journey, are muddling through or are starting over- believe in your possibility. Believe in yourself enough to crush those feelings of fear. Believe that God has good things in store for you. And if you can't believe in yourself right now, surround yourself with people who will.

2) Be consistent. It's not the heroic or extreme moments that lead to change, it's consistent daily actions. Make a plan and stick to it. Know that on occasion life is going to throw you a few curveballs, but do not waver. Trust the process. This is gonna take a while. Push through, you're worth it. You really, truly, are.

3) Learn from the setbacks and roadblocks. In order to move forward, you must leave the pity party behind. Let's face it, life is hard sometimes. Like really super hard. There will be many ugly moments in your journey. But instead of asking "why me", ask "what can I learn". Take what you learn and use it as rocket fuel to propel you forward. Setbacks aren't failures, they are opportunities for do-overs. We take what we learn and we get better. Roadblocks aren't stop signs, they are simply re-routing our journey on to something better.

4) Be courageous. This journey is going to be downright uncomfortable. You may be trying to change a lifetime of bad habits. Your belief system might be shattered. Who you thought you were may be uprooted. Being in that in between place of who you were and who you are supposed to be might make you feel lost. You might want to retreat back into the old you because it feels more comfortable. DO NOT do that! Do not retreat! Push forward into greatness. Push through the pain of change.

5) Have a willingness to begin again. And again. And again. And 100x again. I can't tell you over the past 7 years how many times I've started over. How many times I've recalibrated my journey and my mindset. Because...life. Mindset is everything, be positive. You hold the power in your journey. You have a choice to be a victim or a victor in your circumstances. Choose to have a mindset of abundance and gratitude.

6) Practice self love and care daily. Wash, rinse and repeat. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself when you mess up. Love yourself enough to invest in yourself. Love yourself enough to say NO, to people, to demands, to requests for your time. Let go of the guilt that comes with saying NO. There is only one you. Love yourself enough to say YES. Be open to new friendships, new opportunities, a new way of living.

7) Grab on to grit and grace and never let go. You may not know or believe this right now, but you are a fighter. You are stronger than you think. You are filled with grit and grace. I beg you, DO NOT give up on yourself. Believe that you are enough. Believe that you are worth every sacrifice that will get you to your goal(s). Believe in you.

Hugs & friendship,
Tara

Blooming into Me

There was a time in my early twenties that my husband and I refer to as “the dark days”, except it was more like the dark year (or two, or three). As I’m now a Mom of young adults, I think that the early twenties are a challenging time for most. It’s when we really have to start adulting. Job searching. Dating. Going through the natural progression of pulling away from our families and finding our own way. My daughter used to get annoyed at the constant questioning from family and friends about her major, then her career path, then marriage and now babies (OK I’m guilty of that on occasion). It’s an exciting yet pressure filled time.

At 21, I found myself thrust into motherhood. After becoming pregnant at the end of my sophomore year of college, I dropped out and moved home to try and figure things out. My husband (now of 23 years) still had a year of college to complete. So there I was, searching for a job with benefits and decent pay with absolutely no skills but working as a cashier at Acme Markets. It was humbling and it shattered my confidence. My career dreams put on hold, I took an entry level opening at a bank. The pay was so meager that with my husband working part time and being a full time student, we were broke. We abandoned our pride and signed up for government subsidized daycare, health care and WIC. Love doesn’t pay the bills.

I was in such an in between place. My college friends were still in college and although they were sweet I felt jealous that they were free to finish their studies while I was muddling through motherhood. Like seriously muddling. I struggled with finding where I fit in. My workplace friends were older and I had trouble connecting. Not because of them but really because I felt like I was an actress in a play going through the motions of being a Mom and a grown up worker.

It was also during that time that my Pop-Pop passed away. I lived with my Pop-Pop for many years growing up and he was (and still is) one of the most treasured people to me in the world. His passing left a huge whole in my heart and overwhelmed me with sadness.

And if that loss wasn’t enough, I decided it was time to confront my sexual abuser because I didn’t want him around my daughter. I had to find enough brave to face some deep family truths. This confrontation tore apart some of my closest relationships. Including the woman who was like a Mom to me (my Mom passed when I was young). This confrontation was met with disbelief. I felt betrayed, sad and alone. Side note- he is now in prison. But that’s a longer story.

I filled these holes of grief, shame, loss and pain with food. Looking back I was definitely going through a depression and should have sought help. I am thankful that my husband (who is my Jack Pearson if you watch This Is Us) stuck by my side.

All of these experiences became limiting beliefs that I carried into my adulthood. Even though I’m an achiever and perfectionist (I like to call it striving for excellence), there was a time when I just didn’t think I was good enough. I doubted myself constantly. I never felt like I measured up. Even after I went back to college to get my degree or bettered myself through certifications, I didn’t feel worthy. While I now consider myself an extroverted introvert, back then I just wanted to fade into the background. I didn’t want to be noticed. I was a withering flower dying for some light and water.

Enter God. At 28, my husband and I went back to church. We spent a year looking for “the right church” and finally found “the one”. The first time I sat in our church (I went by myself because my husband had grown tired of looking with me), silent tears rolled down my face. The worship spoke to me. I was home. I was loved. I was worthy. I was enough. I was forgiven. My life was redeemed. I was restored. Little by little God healed my hurts and closed my past wounds. Sure they open up from time to time, but that’s what comes with having current relationships from those who have hurt us in the past. Those scars don’t have to define us, but they are little pieces of who we are.

Year by year I started to bloom. My stem stood taller. My petals brightened. I kept my face to the Son. He gently warmed my soul and grew me from the inside out to who I am today. Disclaimer: I also went to counseling and did a ton of heart and soul work. A ton. Still am.

At 46, I love my life. I’m married to my one true love. My kids (now young adults) are my everything and are turning out to be some pretty darned amazing people. I’ve finally found my way to a career that uses my talents. My friendships are deeper. I have an extended family that I treasure. My dreams are bigger. I’ve become a risk taker. I finally conquered my weight (losing and maintaining 40 pounds let's hope for good this time). Over the past few years I’ve been a Weight Watchers Leader and Beachbody Coach. Last year I decided to certify as a fitness instructor. I now lead a REFIT® class at my church, blending my love of faith and fitness. Life feels really good right now. On most days I feel like a badass. And it’s not because my life is perfect. Those of you that know me or have read my blog know that I have faced my share of struggles, including a serious chronic illness that has no cure.

My life is full because my heart is filled with God.

And when I start to doubt. Enter God. And when I start to worry. Enter God. And when I feel like that broken girl in her twenties. Enter God. And when I lose some of my petals. Enter God. He grows me right where I’m planted. I couldn’t have bloomed into me without Him.                                            

Hugs and friendship,

Tara