Afraid to Fly

Last week I did something a bit unexpected, I signed up for Refit instructor training. Yes you read right, I, Tara Elizabeth Watson, signed up to be a fitness instructor. If I wasn’t so terrified, I’d be laughing hysterically at the thought. As I’ve shared in a previous post, I rubbed poison ivy leaves all over my body in elementary school just to avoid field day. Spoiler alert, I was terribly allergic! I was on first name basis with the school nurse because of my many feigned illnesses to get out of gym class, especially those dastardly presidential fitness tests! Over the years, fitness has not been my forte. I did pretty much everything I could to avoid movement. I used to lie on my couch watching the Biggest Loser whilst eating a piece of single serve cake I had picked up from Giant. I would wander aimlessly around the YMCA gym not knowing how to use the equipment, make a half assed effort, leave frustrated and pick up a pack of Entenmann’s chocolate crumb donuts to eat on the way home to make myself feel better.

I’m feeling a bit sick just thinking about the commitment that I made. My heart is racing and I’ve started thinking of ways that I can get out of it. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? Many things. I am an introvert so the idea of sitting in an 8 hour training class with people I don’t know is enough to make me run like holy heck in the opposite direction. I fear the unknown and I usually build it up to be much worse than it ever actually is. I’m a control freak, a researcher and a planner. I like to know everything before I start something. Since I don’t know what the class will be like, I worry that I won’t be able to do it. I’m afraid that my knee injury won’t hold up or that I won’t have enough physical endurance. I fear that my ship has sailed. That I’m too old and it’s too late for me to try something new. And as Nate (my husband) laughs at me, I worry that people won’t come to my class once I’m certified. I’ve always been petrified of being rejected. Why he laughs is that I’m always three steps ahead of myself, I didn’t even go through the certification course yet but I’m already stressing about the fact that people might not show up. *snort* I am seriously a hot mess!

A little over a year ago, I had that same sinking feeling in my stomach. I had taken a big leap moving from being a 20 year Weight Watcher veteran to trying Beachbody. People that knew me were skeptical and hey I don’t blame them. I was skeptical myself. I went from being a Weight Watcher’s evangelist to trying something new. If you’re just getting to know me, I blogged about my decision and then blogged weekly about my 21 day experience.  

http://chewingthefatonskinny.blogspot.com/2016/06/what.html

A completely unexpected turn of events came out of me trying Beachbody, I found out that I love fitness. Let me write that again for those who can’t believe what they are reading. I, Tara Elizabeth Watson, love to exercise. I love how my body is getting stronger every day. I love competing against myself. I love the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a workout that I couldn’t complete just a few weeks before. I love the extra energy and stamina I am feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, are there days when I go into slug mode and do not feel like moving? Ah, yes. But I realize that I feel better when I move, not just physically, but emotionally.

So the question is, do I love fitness enough to get over my fears and to take this instructor training? Perhaps not. It’s gonna take more than that. It’s going to take faith.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

My God is bigger than my fears. Period. I know this. I also know that everything that has led me to this moment and to this decision is God given. This past year and a half has been filled with circumstance after circumstance that have intertwined me with people to get me here. I could not have dreamt of this path on my own. I started a faith based wellness class at my church which led me to meet my current Beachbody coach Erica. I said yes to trying Beachbody. I signed up to be a Beachbody coach. I started to grow my team. One of my coaches introduced me to one of her clients. This client does Refit. I wrote for Grace & Such and one of my writing colleagues also does Refit. Something about Refit grabbed my attention. I feel like this is the next step for me and all I can do is trust in God’s direction. God put the desire in my heart to become a Refit instructor and to start a wellness revolution in our area. So that’s what I’m doing.

Spreading my wings to fly is terrifying, but what’s more terrifying is not trying at all. I refuse to be afraid to fly.

I may fall, but with God as my safety net, I know that I will land on solid ground. 

Make the choice. Commit to the choice. Continue with courage.

Hugs and friendship,

Tara

You Freaking Dig

So, you’ve gained some or all of the weight back and now you’re in a funk of epic proportions. This funk might include self-berating talk like “I knew I would gain it back” or “I always fail” or “I’m just meant to be fat.” The funk might also include anger. Anger that you lost control. You want to scream “how did I @#$#@@ get here?!?” It feels like you’re going backwards so why the hell should you try again. And then you move into pity party land of “this is too hard” and “I just can’t do this anymore.” You also might be feeling sad and lost because usually when we gain weight back we’re so ashamed that we isolate which is the worst thing we can do.

Sometimes I joke with my husband that it would be easier just to gain the weight back. Because the planning, the prep, and the physical and mental work that it takes to lose and maintain weight, it’s hard. But as the quote says “losing weight is hard, being overweight is hard. Choose your hard.” For me, what’s harder than losing or maintaining my weight is what came with being overweight. The exhaustion, being out of breath, sleeping all of the time. Skipping events because my clothing didn’t fit. Weight related medical complications. Shopping in plus size stores. Depression. For me, that’s the real hard.

How do we move so quickly from being zoned in and on top of our game to having absolutely no motivation whatsoever? How do the behaviors that we thought we had made into solid habits disappear? I wish I could tell you that I have a magic solution, but I don’t. We can lose the weight, be a rock star on maintenance for 10 years and then go through a life experience that has us gaining it all back.  That sounds encouraging, am I right?!? I’m writing this because it’s a reality that many people, including myself have faced. We find ourselves in the situation described above and we have a choice to make. The choice is simple. We try again, or we quit. Ouch! #reallife

If you’re reading this it means that you don’t want to quit. You don’t want to face the real hard again. But you’re tired. You’re tired of trying. You’re tired of fighting. You’re not sure being healthy is worth it anymore. Yet there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to give up, that wants desperately to get on track and that’s exactly what you need to do. Try again. Now don’t whine and lament and get pissed off at me for making try again sound so simple, it’s not. It’s not because life is complicated. Life throws us illness and family stress and moves and divorces. Life throws us injury and heartache and money troubles. And when this happens, we need to dig. Dig deeper than we ever have before.

We need to remember why we started this journey in the first place. We need to write down our why’s and keep them in front of us. We need to remember what it felt like to be healthier. And then we dig. Digging means showing up. Digging means doing the work when we don’t want to. When we’re not motivated. When we want to throw a crying baby fit because it’s too hard and it’s not fair that some people NEVER have to deal with being overweight.

Digging means accepting how we feel at this moment. Sitting with that disappointment, sadness and desperation. Acknowledging that it sucks. Feeling those hurts and then, letting them go. We cannot hold on to those feelings. We need to accept them, but we can’t let them fester. Letting them fester is like having weeds that cloud our minds and leave no room for new growth.

If you’re still with me, it’s time to get to work. It’s time to get back to the habits that worked for you. It’s time to reach out for help. DO NOT do this alone.

It’s time to freaking dig. 

Continue with courage. Hugs & friendship,

Tara