I was a classic cartoon junkie growing up- Tom and Jerry,
Looney Tunes, Casper the Friendly Ghost, The Jetsons, The Flintstones, Yogi
Bear, Mighty Mouse and of course Popeye. There was something so simple about
Popeye, it seemed like he was cool with himself and he made no apologies when
he said “I am what I am.” Yet when I re-read that statement it seems limiting
to me, somewhat deflated and a little sad. No disrespect Popeye, you’re still
da man in my book. My Pop-Pop used to tell me that if I ate spinach I would
grow hair on my chest. Maybe that’s why I just started eating spinach, I was
afraid…ha!
It’s really amazing how we carry past misconceptions about
ourselves (and others) into our present life. I was watching Tony Robbin’s documentary
I Am Not Your Guru on Netflix (if you haven’t watched it- do it) and Tony was
talking about the fact that our earliest childhood memories can form who we are
as adults. So I started to think about some of my earliest childhood memories.
If you’ve read any of my posts, especially when I write for Grace and Such, you
know that my childhood was and youth messed up. Yet all in all when I look back
at growing up on R.D. (rural delivery) #4 Brandywine Drive I see a generally
happy kid. Anyway…back to those memories. One of my earliest memories is my
parents fighting in their first apartment- like yelling, screaming, throwing
stuff fighting. I can’t pinpoint my age, I know that I was less than five because
by that time my parents had divorced and I was living with my grandparents. It’s
a little fuzzy to me what they were fighting about but I know that it centered
around me. And I can say that from a very young age I became a good
girl. Not to not make waves. To work hard. To get good grades. To be a rule
follower. To not be a burden. To take care of myself. Because I felt like there
was this underlying message that I was an inconvenience, so I needed to lay
low.
I can see how I carried this into my adulthood and how in
many ways it served me well. I developed a fabulous work ethic. I did well in
school. I stayed out of trouble. I’ve worked my way up in a few workplaces. Yet
I can also see how I let that mentality hold me back.
I need to admit to one of my current guilty viewing pleasures-
Chloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body. Hey now, don’t judge. I have NEVER watching
anything Kardashian. But I love how they go beyond the weight loss and into the
psyche of the person they are training to see why they gained the weight in the
first place. I remember one of the psychologists talking about the fact that
people who were sexually abused tend to be overweight because of their lack of
self-worth. I was sexually abused by a family member who is now in jail. I’ve
been doing a lot of heart and soul work around my self-worth these past few
years. If I go deep, I mean really, really deep I’d have to say that one of the
reasons that I gained weight, especially in my 20’s was a defense mechanism so
that men might not find me attractive. I was afraid of what the attention might
lead to.
Fast forward to today. I am 45 and in the best shape of my
life (physically, emotionally and spiritually) in part because I have
surrounded myself with a group of people who remind me that I’m worthy. I’m
worthy of the work and of the discipline it takes to make consistent healthy
choices to take the best care of me- mind, body and spirit. I also surround
myself with people who remind me that I am a child of God. I am His beloved. He
loves me for me. I don’t have to earn God’s love, He just loves me. Do you know
how much that knowledge heals the broken child within me who always felt she
had to earn love and that she was never quite good enough?
I could write page upon page about the tension that exists
between accepting who you are yet having the ability to move beyond who you
were. While we do carry many childhood behaviors, self-beliefs and
misconceptions into our adulthood- we have the power within us to be someone
different. We have the power to choose. When we believe what others think or
say about us, we give the power to them. When we believe that the past has
defined us and that it’s not possible to change, we are handcuffing ourselves
to our limits. I have come to learn that while there are times that I cannot
control the outcome, I can control my attitude and my actions. And instead of
Popeye’s saying of “I am what I am” my mantra is “I am who I want to be” and I
accept who God made me to be. With the help of my faith, friends and family I
will continue down this path of growth. Here are some resources I’ve used on my
journey:
- Sometimes you need professional help. It’s not a weakness it’s a strength to ask for it. A few years back I went to Life Counseling Services in Paoli, it released me from some very heavy burdens that I carried my whole life. I still use the coping mechanisms that they taught me. Those sessions were forever valuable and are ingrained in my heart and mind.
- Podcasts and audio books. I love to listen to them in my car or while I’m working out. To be lifted up, we have to surround ourselves with uplifting words and images. These are just a few:
- Get your physical health in gear. Find a Team Beachbody Coach. If you follow my blog at all you know how much Beachbody has changed my life. Put good fuel in your body and get it moving- you will be rewarded with a sense of clarity, energy and empowerment that might be missing from your life. And if Beachbody’s not the right plan for you, find one that works. We only get one body. Are you doing what you need to do to take care of it?
Lastly, find your tribe. Those who will lift you up and carry you
when you just can’t. Those who believe in you when you don’t. Beyond my friends
and family, and Team Beachbody I am blessed by my church community.
The first step to becoming who you want to be is believing
that you are worth it.
Commit to the choice.
Ask for help. Continue with courage.
Hugs and friendship,
Tara
