I’ve been trying to lose weight just about my whole life,
sometimes with great success, sometimes with great struggle. My first encounter with a diet was in my
early teen years. I was in a baton twirling corps (because I’m cool like that)
and to get into the senior corps, you had to be a certain weight. Gasp, can you
imagine if an organization did that today?!? But this was the early 80’s and
everyone was Jazzercising. Each week at practice they weighed you in. I knew
that I was not small enough to make the corps even though I was very talented
(if I do say so myself), and that I’d have to lose weight. I had no
idea what I was doing and back in the days of no Internet and limited
resources, I did my best to lose the weight. I exercised a lot and ate less and
voila- I reached my goal and got promoted to senior corps. To maintain that
weight I had to constantly obsess about what I ate, it just was not a
maintainable weight for my body type. And so began one of my damning self-concepts
that to succeed I had to be thin.
Little did I know that being on a diet was detrimental to my
health. I mean, it has the word “die” in it. Even today when I Googled the definition
of diet most results came back as “a special course of food to which one
restricts oneself, either to lose weight or for medical reasons.” In my world, dieting became a way that I
measured my happiness. If I had a good weight loss week I was on top of the
world and if I had a gain, I would be in a bad mood for days. During those
times, I thought of dieting as a means to an end, as a way to get from point A
to point B. The faster I got from point A to point B, the better- because that
meant that happiness was right around the corner. For the most part, I was an
A+ Weight Watcher. I lost 40 pounds in 6 months. I was a woman on a mission. I reached my goal and I felt fabulous. Yet
this overwhelming fear was ever present, the fear of gaining all of the weight
back. It followed me around like a shadow, I couldn’t shake it. If I had a week
where I gained, I self-berated. I over-analyzed. I’d throw myself into a tizzy
thinking that everything I had worked so hard for could disappear, just like
that. I’d lose control and I’d lose who I was.
It wasn’t until I went through Weight Watchers again in my
forties that I learned that perfectionism and dieting don’t play well together.
Elizabeth Gilbert said that “perfectionism is fear in really good shoes.” It’s
the couture fear. We look good and fancy from the outside but on the inside we’re
falling apart. I am a perfectionist, a black and white thinker- an all or
nothing kind of gal. Yet this time around I made some significant changes to my
thinking and approach.
- I dropped the word diet. Who wants to live a life of restriction? I chose to focus on being well and living well. Instead of deprivation (what I couldn’t have), I started to focus on how good it feels to take care of my body.
- I realized that the journey was not from point A to point B. While of course I still had an end goal, the changes needed to come from what I learned during the journey. Wellness is so much more than an end result. It’s about all of the cool things you discover along the way.
- I untethered myself from the scale. Before when I would have a weight gain it would take over my whole week and send me into a major tailspin. Since I had failed, I would just quit and get back to the “diet” another time. For a while that was a never ending and vicious cycle. Of course I use my weight as a measure but it is only a piece of my overall wellness. I refuse to let the numbers on the scale hold me captive. On a week when I gain I do my best to remember how hard I’ve worked, how rewarding it feels to be well, to have more energy, to make good choices. I pay attention to my clothes fitting looser, being able to walk a little farther or that my body feels stronger.
- I accept that messing up (say eating an entire sleeve of Oreos) is nothing but a lesson learned. It’s a side step in the dance. I love this quote “Optimist: someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward, is not a disaster, it’s more like a cha-cha.” Don’t let a misstep bring your entire journey to a screeching halt. Brush yourself off and make note of what you learned. Maybe you can’t keep that trigger food in your house or need to plan better before you go out to eat. Make a slight adjustment and move forward. Stay positive and present focused.
There is no perfect diet because we’re not perfect people. More
than likely, we’re going to screw this thing up. That’s life. It’s messy. We’re
messy. That doesn’t mean that we won’t reach our goals, it just means we’re
going to have to love ourselves through it. If you step backward, step forward again.
Embrace the cha-cha.
Commit to the choice. Ask for help. Continue with
courage.
Hugs and Friendship,
Tara
